Friday, December 28, 2007

Devil 2, Angels 0

I haven't done this in awhile, most likely because when I have these kind of dilemmas, they aren't blogworthy.

You know, when you've got an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, arguing in your ear about you which way to go on stuff. Usually it consists on whether I should put skim milk in my coffee or real cream. If real cream is available, there's no contest. The devil always wins.

But that's boring.

I was talking to my good friend Elizabeth tonight and relayed an incident that happened over the last couple of weeks and she encouraged me to blog about it, even though I try to stay far far away from the political when blogging.

I was a bad, bad Attila. Again.

I have to confess. Hubby and I have a mixed marriage. Our 12-year wedding anniversary is coming up on New Year's eve, and so far, we've been able to work with it. We knew what we were getting into.

When we first got together I was an unabashed egg-sucking liberal dog (to quote former radio host Ken Hamblin). Hubby, on the other hand, was (affectionately) a shithead conservative Republican. But when you got down to brass tacks, our views really weren't that different. He wasn't a radical religious right sort of person---he just leaned economically to the right. Plus he recognized how my kids needed a couple of government programs to help get us through tough times when they were both uninsurable and their treatments cost about 1500.00 a month which I didn't have as a single parent trying to keep a roof over our heads without help from my vanished ex-husband.

And he wasn't about to step in and tell women how to manage their bodies as far as reproductive rights go. Gays? To each his own. So we were pretty simpatico.

Over the years, we've both come somewhat to the middle. But we've kept our separate party affiliations.

As an added bonus, I get more interesting mail from my party, which he loves to look at so he can eyeball the enemy.

Anyway, last week at about 10am, the phone rang for Attila's Hon.

"Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm calling from Washington and the National Republican Party. Could I speak to Mr. Attila?"

To be honest, I LIVE to f*ck with these people for a couple of reasons. First of all, because it's political, you can't tell them that you're on a "do not call" list. They don't have to respect that. But to us, it's just more telemarketing.

Secondly, if it was from the local Republican party, I couldn't mess with them, because we live in a small town and these people KNOW us! If it was the National Democratic party calling, I'd willingly hand the phone over to hubby. I won't condemn him for his opinions/reactions, and he won't condemn me for mine.

So it's a free-for all!

I said, Hi Bob, he's not here. Like many corporate white-collar Republican nobs, he works from 9 to 5 at an office. Do you have a number that he can call you back on?

Bob said, "Are you Mrs. Attila? Could I ask you some questions?"

And I said (sharpening my swords), Why yes I am. Yes you may!

Ok, I admit it. I think I was drooling a little in anticipation.

"How important is it to you to have a Republican in the White House after the next election?"

Not a bit! Why do you ask?

"Uh. So I guess you're not a Republican?"

No I'm not. We have a mixed marriage. In fact, Mr. Attila has to sleep on the couch quite frequently!


I took pity on him. After I laughed like a lunatic in his ear.

Bob, Mr. Attila gets home after 5pm our time. Call him then.

The next day we were out. I came home and checked the caller ID to see who called.

They called TWICE! During the 9 to 5 period.

Then we had the weekend and no real self-respecting Republican works then (just kidding---well, only a bit, because those guys didn't call THEN, did they?), so we didn't get any calls.

On Monday, we got a call from them around 11am, and when I answered the phone, I got a dial tone.

Now that really pisses me off. They have those automatic computerized dialing systems that call 3 numbers at a time and hang up on two of them if someone else answers first. You can't tell them you're on the "do not call" list, but they're allowed to use telemarketer crap like that designed just to chap your ass and inconvenience you.

Tuesday was of course, Christmas, so no calls then.

On Wednesday, I was prepared if they DARED to call during the 9-5 hours. And they did.

The person didn't give a name, but identified himself as calling from Washington from the National Republican Party.

I said, You know, I told you guys that hubby works a 9-5 job, and you'll have to call him after those hours.

And the guy said, "Are you Mrs. Attila? Can I ask you some questions?"


"How important is it to you to have a Republican in the White House after the next election?"

I said, It's very important to me! Because if a Republican gets elected, I won't have to give my husband a blow-job for the entire term!

"Uh--uh--pardon me?"

We have a deal. If a Democrat gets elected, he won't have to go down on me for 4 years. And basically, we're both really selfish people and want instant gratification, so this election will be important. I'm tired of wasting MY time trying to fulfill HIS needs, just to get a slap and tickle in return. We're both going to vote for each other's parties and hope for the best!

Then I told the guy to call back either before 9am or after 5pm to talk to the hubmonster. He was completely speechless. LOL

So TODAY I get ANOTHER call from them, around 2 in the afternoon.

"I'm calling from Washington from the National Republican Party. May I speak to Mr. Attila?"

Me (wondering what it will take to REALLY make them take notice) says, You people have called multiple times. I've told you over and over again that my husband works a 9-5 job, and amazingly enough he STILL isn't here at 2pm after your 10th call. Do you have anything you want to ask ME?

He says, "Mrs. Attila, are you a Republican?"

I said, Why no, I'm not.

And he said, "I think I'll call back later."


I can't stop myself. I need help.


Valerie Marie said...

ATM: you're the best! lol ! I'm glad to hear that a mixed mariage can work.

This summer we had to elect a new president(France)and we had the options Royal(left-democrat) or Sarkozy (right-republican)... it was not easy!!! We don't have the same opinion in my family but we keep loving each other...sometime more, sometime!

I make no politic but this year, with friends, we were "supporting the troops" the way we could: it means we sent emails for Christmas and bought some t-shirts to help sendind care packages to the soldiers in Irak and Afghanistan.


golfwidow said...

What I have learned from this essay:

Republicans cannot tell time.

Beth said...

You don't need help!
Despite the fact they're driving you crazy with these calls, by my count it's Attila - 3, Republicans - zip.
Keep it up!

Brenda said...

Hahahahaha! Excellent!!

The political parties don't call me anymore. I don't know why unless it's because I told one that I was going to vote for "John, the tractor driver".

As for telemarketers, I was so sick of them one week that finally I let one give me his whole sales pitch and then I asked him, "if I could pay for that with food stamps."

Philip. said...

Wishing you all the best for 2008 and a Happy New Year.


Melissa said...

you ROCK and I LOVED this post. I too am in a mixed marriage and I too have enjoyed tormenting the charitable and policital telemarketers. Thanks for the laugh.

Pete said...

I am pissing myself laughing.

cheers i needed this today!!

Myron said...

I don't care what your political views are that there is funny, as Larry would say.

And I don't care if it's my political party of choice, I still tell'em to piss off. Don't fuckin' bother me at home.

Chris H said...

Cheeky buggers!!!! Seems to me if the Republicans can't even get the "not at home between 9 and 5" concept, they are just plain STOOOOOPID. Vote the other way!!! My hubby and I are in sync on our political choices, thank god. No blow jobs necessary.

Mrs. G. said...

This is one your best posts EVER...I know people frequently comment about how they are rolling on the floor laughing. I never roll on the floor, but this made me laugh. Hard. Thanks, Attila

warcrygirl said...

We, too, have a mixed marriage only I'm the Shithead Republican. I thought Hubby was a Democrat but I found out he's just apathetic. And thank god for caller ID, I don't even bother to answer the phone half the time it rings.

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
LMAO! Hopefully the National Republican Party has learned its lesson and will quit harassing you. I too can’t understand why political organizations are NOT considered telemarketers and are allowed to harangue people. If I don’t recognize the number on the Caller ID, I no longer answer the phone.

Happy New Year!!

Joe said...

I lauged at your great post, Attila. You're killing me.

Anonymous said...

This was the best post ever!!!! I laughed so hard when I read this, I almost fell out of my bed. You, my friend, are toooo funny. I wish I had the courage to say the things that come out of your mouth! You are my hero!

Grim Reality Girl said...

Love it. Mixed marriages abound in this neck of the woods. My neighbors keep dual signs in their yard. LOVE IT!

When it comes down to it, both parties agree on more than they disagree... the beauty is that the remaining 2% makes for a hell of a battle!

Rootietoot said...

Golflwidow- Democrats can't tell time either, nor read, because we're Libertarians and we STILL get calls during the day, even tho SD works 7 to 7.

golfwidow said...

Point taken, Rootietoot. I hereby revise my comment:

If you choose to go into politics at all, you will need to sacrifice your soul and your ability to tell time to the devil.

Fortunately, the devil is sitting on ATM's shoulder, so the shipping fees shouldn't be too costly.

Hot Toddy said...

You go girl!

Stinkypaw said...

You're too much! 'Love to mess around like that! Keep it up!!!

BTW, I bestow upon you “The Paw”, my way of Thanking You for Being a ‘Blend’, drop by my blog and pick it up!

Jennifer McKenzie said...

Well, if they're not going to listen to simple instructions then they get EXACTLY what they deserve.
I had a credit card company calling for someone who didn't live here. Had never lived here.
They called every day for two months.
Every. Day.
I was polite, firm, frustrated, angry and finally I just told them he was dead.
They didn't call back after that.

katerina said...

Do you seriously have that agreement in place?

Attila The Mom said...

Katerina---oh heck no! LOL

Anonymous said...

Well shit, ATM, I think it would be more fun if YOU DID have that agreement in place--It looks like you'll be getting a lot of instant gratification in the coming (-dies-) years.

ha aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
This was hysterical!
Happy 2008!

elizabeth said...



Ann(ie) said...

HA! This. This is why I love you!!! I too am in a mixed marriage. ;)

medrecgal said...

ROTFLMAO...hilarious!! I am the product of such a "mixed" marriage, and for the record, I am a die hard independent with Democratic tendencies. Didn't register with either party since I didn't like the whole dogma of either, and I absolutely love, love, LOVE your "f*ck with their heads" responses to those telephone politicos! You tell 'em, ATM!

Mary said...

Well, well. We share the same sinister blood, my dear. I adore these phone calls and routinely sign onto the Evil Other Side just so I can have such fun. But I'm not in the marriage of the mixed variety so our sex deals have to be about money or God.

Anonymous said...

I hate those cold callers, and I wish I was quick enough to think of retorts like this!

Happy Anniversary and a Happy New Year too.

Charlie said...

I was a Republican until He Who Shall Not Be Named was elected, but the Dems have done absolutely nothing either during 2007. Rhetoric all.

And Mom, are you sure you were truthful to Katerina's question?

Happy 2008, but don't call me tonight when you're three sheets to the wind.

rlhcopper said...

I have to admit I am going to shamelessly steal from you when we start getting those calls for the possible spring election here in Canada.
Thanks for the laugh.

oldcrow61 said...

I found you through Petes blog and I'm glad I did. You've cracked me up with this one. I'm still laughing here. lol

Zenmomma said...

OMG I definitely cocked a snoot on this one! I wish I had your balls woman.

Karen said...

Good gosh, I was laughing so hard on this one! I'm deaf, so I never get those delicious calls from other parties. The best I can do is pick up the phone and rattle off "I can't hear youuuuuu!" and hang up.