Tuesday, December 18, 2007

6 Days of Bah Humbug!

Time to do a round-up of stupid.

When you're drinking wine in the street and have to pee, it's really REALLY not a good idea to stick your johnson through somebody's fence to water their garden. They might have a dog who thinks you're offering him a chew toy. Stupid!

What kind of doof fabricates an assault and sends threatening anonymous emails to himself and other members of his conservative campus group? A Princeton student! This is 2007, fer pete's sakes. Short of having a microchip implanted in your head, technology is advanced! You can't run, you can't hide! Gone are the days of calling people up and saying, "Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it!" Oy! Stupid!

It's not the library's job to police what your kids are reading. Instead of calling for a book ban, why don't you get off your lazy butt and see what YOU checked out for your six-year-old? If it offends you, put it back. That's why YOU'RE the parent, Stupid!

What makes you assume that complete strangers would be thrilled to be part of your student video, oh wannabe film director? Or should I say, why were you surprised when the mall Santa called the cops after you assaulted him by smashing a pie in his face? Stupid!

If you're insane enough to drive 107 miles per hour drunk with your 11-year-old daughter in the seat next to you, you really can't expect the judge to take your "not guilty" plea seriously by telling him to "speed it up, I'm bored". Stupid!

Yahoo! gave some guy named Dave a forum where he wrote an article about "5 Ways to Keep Your Man From Straying". His list included such gems as "Plan Scrabble Night", "Send Him on Guy Getaways" and "Give Him a Boost".

I can sum it up in 2 1/2 short ways.

A brand-spanking new chainsaw prominently displayed in the garage with a tag that reads, "My Half of the House and Everything in It".

And an 18-inch blade hedgeclipper on his nightstand with "Got Bobbit?" inscribed on the handle.

Giving good head never hurts either. But I didn't say that.

'Nuff said.

Ok, I'm a philistine. I admit it. The first time I saw Blade Runner, I didn't understand it very much, but Harrison Ford was hot. Plus it was too long. Hey, I was like 14. I saw it a few more times over the years, hoping that with time and maturity, I'd "get" the brilliance. Not really. Yawn.

We like to watch movies, so for the past years since I've been online, I've kept up pretty much on what's new and what's coming out on DVD. And every freaking year or so, there's a "new" cut of Blade Runner, just in time for Xmas.

There's the "Director's Cut". Then there's the "New Special Effects Cut" (meaning they were able to pixel-out the strings that suspended the flying cars). Next was the "Director's Cut with even MORE Special Effects" (pixeled-out Rutger Hauer's laugh lines). Then there was the "Director's Cut with even MORE Special Effects Including Deleted Scenes" which showed Harry Ford toking up between takes. And the next year was "Extra Special Director's Cut with even MORE Special Effects Including Deleted Scenes" which took you into the dressing room of the acrobat who REALLY performed all the backflips for Darryl Hannah.

Now you can buy the 5 FREAKING DISC (yes the movie was long, but how in the world did it evolve into 5 DISCS?) set called the "Ultimate Edition" on Amazon for $55.00 (originally $79). Buy it? Do you sign your credit card slip with "Stupid"?

Poo on you!

On the seventh day of humbug, Santa left for me...

7 steaming bowls of stupid,
Hubby's buttocks blasting,
5 Chin hairs,
4 exploding Snapples,
3 open tubs of frosting,
2 dead pens,
and a lump of coal for under my tree


Mrs. G. said...

I hesitate to tell you that this mother f*cking "special" edition Blade Runner is the number one item on my husband's Christmas list. I'm beginning to think Ridley Scott has it in for me.

Attila The Mom said...

It could be worse, Mrs. G. It could have been the Godfather Trilogy in its 20 gazillion forms! LOL

Star said...

I never got Blade Runner either. Maybe we could start a club.

Melissa said...

Great rant. I totally agree--on all of it.

Valerie Marie said...

"Chainsaw" + "Bobbit" = lol !!!
I saw Blade Runner 5 time... for Rutger Hauer...

Trish said...

*cracking up*

3 tubs of frosting? Chocolate, vanilla and lemon. Oy.

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Ha, ha! Your quote “my half of the house and EVERYTHING in it” is priceless. How about “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine as well, buddy”? California is a 50/50 state, but some of us in the Land of Fruits n’ Nuts believe in taking the whole enchilada (or johnson). Perhaps every woman should practice brandishing a meat cleaver (or hedge clipper) around and saying sweetly “remember John Wayne Bobbitt” honey….

After your critique of “Blade Runner…The Ultimate Edition” I don’t think I’ll be rushing out to purchase it. Maybe it’s a “guy thing”.

Boo7 said...

OMG you slay me woman!! Excellent, awesome, splendiferous rant hon!!

Hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday season....:)

Brenda said...

I go for the kill, I told hubby I'd divorce him, get custody of his bird dogs, then sell em.