Saturday, June 30, 2007

Animal Conspiracy

The animals are conspiring against me.

First the two big dogs, Charlie and Noodle decided to have a poop-off a few days before the guys left.

Since the weather is beautiful, we've had the doors and windows open most days (and some nights). Of course we left the sliding door open, so the good [koff] dogs could have easy access in and out.

That was the week we spent reorganizing the basement, so there wasn't a heck of a lot of canine supervision going on upstairs.

I guess the open doors and windows and the fact that my sinuses are concrete half the time thanks to allergies didn't tip me off that there were turds in the house.

On a good day I can detect a fart three aisles away in the grocery store.

I don't know what the guys' excuse was. Maybe they thought they were smelling their own stink or something. Who knows?


Anyway, Hubby went to the far end of the dining room one night (none of us had been there in days) to get something and stepped on a squishy lump. He jumped back in horror (in his bare feet, no less) and landed on another. He screeched and turned on the light.

There were 8---count 'em---8 piles of medium to large-sized dookie in varying stages of dryness. On his mother's prized Karastan rug, that he had shipped from back east last fall.

My hubby is the mildest of men. But the rant that came out of his mouth that night would have singed Alec Baldwin's ear hairs.

If the dogs hadn't already dumped their loads, they'd have been laying cable all the way down the hall on the way to their crates.

So a new summer plan has been put in place. The bigger dogs are now exclusively outdoor dogs during the day.

During the day, their food and water is outside. They can frolic in the yard and do dog things, like chasing butterflies and eating bark nuggets (at least I think they're bark nuggets). And bark hysterically at good dogs who are walking past our house on leashes.

At night, into the crates they go, just as if they were puppies again. They aren't going to have any unsupervised inside time whatsoever.

Needless to say, they haven't been pleased with the new rules. But that's ok. Management has had enough.

One night, Hubby forgot and left the dogs' food outside. The next morning, when I woke up early, I got to witness the Magpie buffet. I chased the suckers away, but one has been awfully persistent.

Every morning when we lounge on the deck with our coffee, this brazen little Magpie sits on the rail and scolds us. It flies down to where the dog bowls usually are, and hops around trying to find the buffet. Hah!

So last night, at about 2:30am, I woke up choking. Our bedroom deck door was open, and a skunk had let fly in close vicinity. I woke Hubby out of a dead sleep (he was probably dreaming of his frat-house bong days) and made him close the door.

The stank was so bad that I went and slept the rest of the night in Little Guy's room, which has been closed up for the last ten days.

Note to self: Must wash the kid's sheets and open the windows. His room smells like fermented feet and sweaty bed-head.

I woke up at about 5:30am and started the coffee. Then I went on the deck to greet the day.

Wham! Ow! That's my head!!!

Did that squawky little Magpie decide to dive-bomb me?

Nope, it was that freaking woodpecker, back from wherever woodpeckers go in the winter, here just to torment me!

I ran in the house and closed the sliding door. Then I heard a thump against the glass.

Woke Hubby for a second time out of a dead sleep.

Put your glasses on! Look at that!

The little winged monster was perched on a stump just off the deck staring at the door waiting for me to come back out.

I've got my camera ready now, but I'm kind of afraid to go outside. If I can get a pic of it, I'll post it.


Update at 3pm: Since I'm currently a lady of leisure, I took a short nap this afternoon.

When I woke up, Hubby said, "Have you looked out the picture window?"


"I think your bird is out there. It's dead."


Sure enough it was there. It flew into the picture window and kilt itself. I wonder if it had some kind of bird rabies and maybe I should get that peck on my head checked out.

RIP you crazy little thing.


Kim Ayres said...

Back in the days when I used to smoke, I wasn't aware of the gradual dulling of my sense of smell. It was only when I gave up smoking and it came back with a vengeance that I realised that there are far more unpleasant smells in the world than nice ones.

KL said...

Thank you!

I really needed to be reminded this morning that I am not the only one that has bizarre things happen to them!

I take it that woodpeckers are an endangered species and you can't just shoot the sucker? That was our problem with the whippoorwill that liked to perch outside my window all night. Darned birds are nocturnal. And apparently they only do that high screeched calling when they are looking for a mate. Our must have been the ugliest one in the 48 contiguous states because he sang for the whole summer. But he was protected cause he was endangered. YEAH, FROM ME!

Good luck with the dive-bombing woodpecker!

Deb said...

This is fabulously bizarre about the woodpecker. They don't dive bomb me here it is the damn mocking birds! I swear my poor cat is tormenting by them diving and pecking her head...Ever see a cat afraid of birds?

Anonymous said...

OMG! Your creative use of words describing dog poop had me in laffing my ass off...

erm...poor hubby tho'

TxGoodie said...

Funny stuff, as usual! Thanks!

I've been having similar problems over here Deep In The Heart. A woodpecker aka Peckerhead has been eating my house! He/She/DieBastard/Die has pecked about 20 holes in the little strip of facing above the windows in the front of the house. ALL the wood there was replaced with Hardy (ie?) plank a few years ago except, of course, for this little strip of buffet! You can't kill them, they are protected...according to the WWW ALL of them are protected, but you can use your BB gun to scare the caca out of them I decided.

Then my old boy Cody is OLD and can't hold IT like he used to. He just walks and poops with no warning. *I'M* trained to let him out and if I fall down on the job then *I* get to clean it up. My carpet evidentially smells just like a toilet, but I don't smell it I guess because I live here. If anyone else smells it they don't snicker and point.

I guess I should be happy that the dog can't fly and the bird can't come inside!


Grim Reality Girl said...

Thank you!! I feel better that the crazy shit doesn't just happen to me!!! And you did this post with photos no less! love you :-)

Rootietoot said...

Darn animals.. all of them. buncha pain in the butts they are.

You're dogs must have been irritated about something. My dogs (4 dachshunds) poop on the stairs if I leave them in the house and forget to open the pet door, or even if the pet door is open and they don't feel like going outside, or if I yelled at them for something. Fortunately the stairs are wood so it's esay to clean up.

Brenda said...

Oh Lordy, and with his tongue hanging out and all,,,he's either dead or a danged good actor.

I wrestled this year with a dive-bombing Mockingbird. I was only trying to take a picture of her babies. That biddy would hide and wait for me to come out with my camera.

That is one cool looking Magpie. I thought they were all black but this guy is right purdy!

Samantha said...

The other day I was unfortunate to witness a big ass bird swoop down, kill and begin to eat a cute little bird I fed. Dammit. Thanks for the laughs though!

Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
“Ah, Wilderness”!

I remember you mentioned having a problem with a berserk woodpecker last year. The same thing happened to me three years ago; one side of my wood house resembled Swiss cheese, thanks to a little peckerhead who also charged into the windows and the metal frames. It was really unnerving to be standing inside and see this feathered creature banging its brains (huh?) out against the glass. After rapping my knuckles raw on the wall in a vain attempt to make it quit, I wrote “Birds & Blooms” magazine inquiring if anyone had a solution to the problem. Someone suggested hanging old CD’s (the ones that come as junk mail) from the rain gutters around the area the bird was attacking. Granted, it looked strange with 5 or 6 discs dangling along the edge of the roof, but it worked instantaneously. The other day I heard the unmistakable sound of battering against the side of the house again, so am going to have to repeat the process.

The joys of living among nature….

morti said...

This was hilarious and reminded me so much of my dad. He had a war with critters of all kinds - squirrels, a robin (who dive bombed him every time he came home for lunch), chipmunks, a cat, and crickets. The area around dad's desk became a strategy headquarters for sneak attacks on the critters. My dad was not a fighting man by anyone's defintion, but when those critters attacked him, General Patton was definitely outranked.

Ma T said...

Darn! I didn't realize I was logged into a different gmail account when I wrote that last comment. It's me - Ma!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

It sounds like an animal revolt around there! At least your head will be safe next time you leave your house!

Here's hoping you have a more restful week! :)

carmachu said...

Wow, the animals are turning against you...what have you been doing to them?

Unknown said...

A Poop-Off! I had to re-read that. How novel. But I'm sure it wasn't for you!!

Big Pissy said...

Good Grief!

Reminds me of when I was suffering from the plague of frogs last summer.

Unknown said...

Which of the 10 plagues was hitting you this week? Frogs, wild beasts or birds? Oh all right I made up the bird plague.
I'm going to tag you with the Eight Random Facts meme.

Here are the rules:

* Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
* Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Hope you don't mind too much.

Anonymous said...

WOW! What kind of karma are you having with animals lately? What happened to the joys of nature and and the animal kingdom and all that good stuff, LOL? I think you have a serious nature gone wild problem, guess they miss the boys!! I say it is time for a major vacation.....I am telling you Vegas cures all.......Hope Monday starts off better for you. Love ya.

Angela said...

One of my cousins put on a helmet to protect himself from a halk that would dive bomb him

Jennifer McKenzie said...

OMG!!!! I'm starting to feel better about the twenty-four hour circus that my house seems to be.
My big secret is I don't LIKE dogs. LOL. My husband and kids adore them. Me, not so much. I tolerate them, pet them, but could be blissfully happy without them. When I admit this, I almost feel as if I'm coming out of a deep dark closet.
Anyway, thanks for the story. It's made me feel a little less tortured.

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
OMG. you seriously crack me up.
poor doggies! i hope they get used to their new arangements!

Ann(ie) said...

OMG. I needed this laugh tonight. I need to start coming to your blog first. I always laugh my ass off!!!! heeeheeeeeeee!

elizabeth said...

I'm having flashbacks of stepping in dog shit at the adopters house, thanks!

Jacqui said...

Your posts always leave me rolling around on the floor giggling. Thanks.

tomshideaway said...

I like stuffed animals...LOL

Nikki said...

You KILLED the woodpecker with your mind powers didn't you.

Tsk tsk.

....the poor little defenseless bird.

phlegmfatale said...

larfed and larfed at the ideer of the dogs "laying cable" down the hall. Good stuff!

Poor woodpecker, even if he was ornery. He was pretty, and I particularly loved his tongue hanging out in the photo

RC said...

ugh...that dead bird pic is disgusting.

hope you've taken care of the nasty sheets too. i'm sure you have.