Friday, April 14, 2006

I'm a Peckerhead in More Ways Than One

Last night, my better half and I were discussing a recent phone call from Number One Son, who is away at college, where he is obsessing about the idea that he might have some kind of scalp cancer.

I mentioned this in a previous post--our guy suffers from OCD, and takes medication for it.

If he remembers.

Anyway, when he gets stressed (finals are coming up), one of the things he fixates on is his health. So we get lots of odd phone calls from him at different times of the day and night.

The back of my head itches and my hair feels kind of crackly. Did I get a lot of head sunburns when I was a kid? I read on the internet that excessive sun exposure can cause cancer. Do you think I might have scalp cancer?

"Tell him to wash that &*$% hair gel out of his hair once in awhile," said my husband.

The conversation veered when I bemoaned the fact that many funny things have been happening in our lives recently, but I don't feel like I can blog about them. I don't want to embarrass the people who are involved, because I love and respect them.

I would LOVE to write about the recent excursion to buy Number One Son's first tailored suit, but he reads my blog and I don't want to embarrass him.

"Why should HE be exempt?" my husband grumped. "You intimately made fun of ME on your blog!"

Whoa, Nellie! Before you go looking in the archives to see if I made fun of hubby's daddy-parts, I didn't.

Last week I made fun of his driving.

So in an effort to even things up a bit, I decided to share something personal about ME.

I have a stalker.

He stalked me last year, and now I think he's back.

Last spring, odd happenings were going on in the Attila house. We have a huge, heavy antique cylinder wood stove right in the middle of our living room, with a pipe that goes up through the roof.

Early one morning, before anyone else was up, I was having coffee. The stove began to rattle and shake a bit. Badadadadadadadadadadadada!

I looked around. What the hell was that? It happened again. Badadadadada! I looked in the stove. Nothing there.

When my husband got up, I told him what happened. We listened for a bit, but it didn't repeat itself.

He went to work, and it happened again. Badadadada!

This went on for a few days, but I was the only one who was hearing it. Was I going insane?

Hubby went on his annual spring trip back east to visit with the parents, and I was left holding the fort.

One morning I opened the garage door to bring in the garbage cans. I bent down, and something swooped down and pecked me in the back of my head. Twice. Really hard.

Yowtch! WTF was that? It was gone before I could see it. I ran in the house.

It's a bird, I think! I howled to hubby later on the phone. It bit me on the head!

The next day I went out and the bird swooped down at me again. I was able to catch a glimpse, and it was a pretty big honking bird!

Every time I went out, it was waiting for me.

I was afraid to go out of the house. It didn't attack the boys, or even the dogs. Just me.

If I had to leave, I'd get in my car before opening the garage door.

Hubby finally came home from his trip. We were talking in the living room, and the stove started to shake again. Badadadadadadada!

Did you hear that? He did.

He went outside. Badadadadadadada!

He came back in. "Did you know we have a big woodpecker pecking on the chimney?"

Do you think that's what attacked me? Geez, what's it doing---calling me--as in "I know you're in there, come out here you beyotch?"

"You're a peckerhead," he snickered.

He got a lot of mileage out of it until he realized that sleeping on the couch made his back hurt.

The woodpecker invasion lasted about a month. By then, I guess the feathered fella figured that I wasn't coming back outside, no matter how much he tried, and decided to bother someone else.

A couple of mornings ago, my little guy came downstairs with a scared look on his face.

"The stove is making funny noises!"

I went up and sure enough.... BADADADADADADADA!!

No freaking way!

He's back. And if I'm not careful, I'm gonna be a peckerhead again.


Charlie said...

Does a peckerhead peck peckerwood?

Oops. Too personal.

Rhonda said...

Woodpeckers are natures biggest A-holes. Your poor head.

Charlie said...

You mean, "your poor peckerhead."

Attila The Mom said...

Hey now. You wear a lime helmet for pete's sakes!

Attila The Mom said...

Miss Litzi:

Now there's an idea!

A couple of years ago, I caught my elderly neighbor hanging out of a second story window trying to scare one off with a push-broom!

I was afraid he'd fall out and crumble into a million pieces.

I'll have to suggest it for our homeowner association newsletter.


Lady said...

Gorgeous wood stove!!!

Yikes, I didn't know woddpeckers were aggressive.

Good luck getting it to move away.

Kathy said...

Am I allowed to laugh, if I say ouch, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it first? I don't think you ever told me you got pecked in the head. But, OUCH, I can imagine that hurt, a lot.

Attila The Mom said...

Lady: Thanks! That isn't actually a picture of ours, although ours is very similar. Every pic I have has someone standing in front of it. LOL

Kathy: There are just some things that are too embarrassing even to tell your best friend. ;-)

shirley said...


shirley said...

And also hah!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Your husband's name is Nellie?

TxGoodie said...

This is just a thought, but you might follow your husband's advice...""Tell him to wash that &*$% hair gel out of his hair once in awhile," said my husband."....who knows .... ;-) ... that might be some kind of aphrodisiac to a birdbrain...

Attila The Mom said...

txgoodie: If only it were that easy! Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) the only big hair with styling products in this house belongs to the kid! LOL

Anonymous said...

My father was once stalked by a squirrel. As a joke I sent him a plush toy squirrel. Well I thought it was funny at the time. Poor dad. He'll be OK.

CINDY said...

Is the pic you posted the same as pecked your head? If it is, it's a Pileated woodpecker (aka Indian Turkey). They grow to be a huge 17" long!
So TWO heads, yours and numberOne son, are better than one?
Loved it!!!!

Ames said...

you are hilarious! Peckerhead....bawahahahhaha!

My grandfather had an angry mockingbird in his courtyard one year and could go out there unless he wore a pithe (sp) helmet b/c it would swoop down and peck his head also.

I know a few hypochondriacs (sp) also....everytime I call and say something random going on with my body, they same to have had or do have the same ailments bothering them also.


It has been a long time since I had a good laugh. I noticed you had commented on my blog. Tell admiral pooper scooper's pic is fabulous. I also have a yorkie but he thinks hes the boss. The humans and the cats are his to rule over. By the way I hope your noggin is okay