Friday, April 14, 2006
I'm a Peckerhead in More Ways Than One
Last night, my better half and I were discussing a recent phone call from Number One Son, who is away at college, where he is obsessing about the idea that he might have some kind of scalp cancer.
I mentioned this in a previous post--our guy suffers from OCD, and takes medication for it.
If he remembers.
Anyway, when he gets stressed (finals are coming up), one of the things he fixates on is his health. So we get lots of odd phone calls from him at different times of the day and night.
The back of my head itches and my hair feels kind of crackly. Did I get a lot of head sunburns when I was a kid? I read on the internet that excessive sun exposure can cause cancer. Do you think I might have scalp cancer?
"Tell him to wash that &*$% hair gel out of his hair once in awhile," said my husband.
The conversation veered when I bemoaned the fact that many funny things have been happening in our lives recently, but I don't feel like I can blog about them. I don't want to embarrass the people who are involved, because I love and respect them.
I would LOVE to write about the recent excursion to buy Number One Son's first tailored suit, but he reads my blog and I don't want to embarrass him.
"Why should HE be exempt?" my husband grumped. "You intimately made fun of ME on your blog!"
Whoa, Nellie! Before you go looking in the archives to see if I made fun of hubby's daddy-parts, I didn't.
Last week I made fun of his driving.
So in an effort to even things up a bit, I decided to share something personal about ME.
I have a stalker.
He stalked me last year, and now I think he's back.
Last spring, odd happenings were going on in the Attila house. We have a huge, heavy antique cylinder wood stove right in the middle of our living room, with a pipe that goes up through the roof.
Early one morning, before anyone else was up, I was having coffee. The stove began to rattle and shake a bit. Badadadadadadadadadadadada!
I looked around. What the hell was that? It happened again. Badadadadada! I looked in the stove. Nothing there.
When my husband got up, I told him what happened. We listened for a bit, but it didn't repeat itself.
He went to work, and it happened again. Badadadada!
This went on for a few days, but I was the only one who was hearing it. Was I going insane?
Hubby went on his annual spring trip back east to visit with the parents, and I was left holding the fort.
One morning I opened the garage door to bring in the garbage cans. I bent down, and something swooped down and pecked me in the back of my head. Twice. Really hard.
Yowtch! WTF was that? It was gone before I could see it. I ran in the house.
It's a bird, I think! I howled to hubby later on the phone. It bit me on the head!
The next day I went out and the bird swooped down at me again. I was able to catch a glimpse, and it was a pretty big honking bird!
Every time I went out, it was waiting for me.
I was afraid to go out of the house. It didn't attack the boys, or even the dogs. Just me.
If I had to leave, I'd get in my car before opening the garage door.
Hubby finally came home from his trip. We were talking in the living room, and the stove started to shake again. Badadadadadadada!
Did you hear that? He did.
He went outside. Badadadadadadada!
He came back in. "Did you know we have a big woodpecker pecking on the chimney?"
Do you think that's what attacked me? Geez, what's it doing---calling me--as in "I know you're in there, come out here you beyotch?"
"You're a peckerhead," he snickered.
He got a lot of mileage out of it until he realized that sleeping on the couch made his back hurt.
The woodpecker invasion lasted about a month. By then, I guess the feathered fella figured that I wasn't coming back outside, no matter how much he tried, and decided to bother someone else.
A couple of mornings ago, my little guy came downstairs with a scared look on his face.
"The stove is making funny noises!"
I went up and sure enough.... BADADADADADADADA!!
No freaking way!
He's back. And if I'm not careful, I'm gonna be a peckerhead again.