My Very Own Vagina Monologue

First and foremost, let me get this out of the way.

I'm not afraid of my vagina. Or anybody else's for that matter.

I'm not ashamed to own one, and although I have a few hang-ups, fear or disgust of mommy parts isn't one of them.

But for Heaven's Sakes, if you're going to display them on your walls, please don't invite me over! Let's go out instead.

A friend emailed me a website by an artist called The Vagina Lady. I'd post her picture here, but I don't want to scare the men or children. You can see it if you click on the link.

I looked at some of her art work and wondered---where in the world would I hang that stuff if I was inclined to buy it?

I realize that some people collect and display erotica, but I'm talking about old married people with kiddies here.

A long time ago, my first husband and I were making an effort to meet and get to know other couples who were also new parents. An acquaintance at work invited us to come over one evening for a night of cards.

She and her husband lived downtown in a very beautiful high-rise apartment--lots of glass tables and leather couches. They had kind of a combination foyer/dining room and groupings of large artsy framed black-and-white photos all over the walls.

Halfway through the evening, we all got up to stretch our legs, refresh our drinks, etc, and my husband went to peruse their art work. He promptly freaked out.

One of the groupings was large photos of my acquaintance giving birth in stages.

Up close and personal with the zoom lens.

You could even see the mole to the left of her labia. Gak!

I guess the only good thing about it was that they weren't in color.

The next day, my husband requested that he not be required to attend any future card games.

"I just think I don't have much in common with a guy who looks at that when he eats his Wheaties every morning."

Since the entire exercise was to make friends with couples, essentially this was a bust for us. The acquaintance extended a few more invitations over the months, which I declined with some excuse or another. I always felt horribly guilty about it, because she was a nice woman.

I didn't know what to say to her.

"Seeing pictures of your crotch doing the bendy thing while you pushed out Uncle Fester gave my husband a complex? Now every time he sees my lil buddy naked he runs screaming from the house?"

Please don't get me wrong. I have two sons. I get the miracle of birth thing. We all feel as if we were the first ones on the planet to produce a little person. I understanding about wanting to share the joy.

Whip out the wallet and show a couple of baby pictures, for pete's sakes.

I know that giving birth is beautiful and natural and that's what vaginas are made for.

They're made for the act of making babies too.

You wouldn't hang pictures of you and your spouse doing the matrimonial polka on your dining room wall, would ya (I hope not)?

And while I'm at it...

Don't let your kids show their friends home videos of you giving birth without asking permission first. Their mommies will thank you for it.

That sh*t put my 7-year-old kid off grape jelly for almost a whole freaking year.