Friday, April 21, 2006

My Very Own Vagina Monologue


First and foremost, let me get this out of the way.

I'm not afraid of my vagina. Or anybody else's for that matter.

I'm not ashamed to own one, and although I have a few hang-ups, fear or disgust of mommy parts isn't one of them.

But for Heaven's Sakes, if you're going to display them on your walls, please don't invite me over! Let's go out instead.


A friend emailed me a website by an artist called The Vagina Lady. I'd post her picture here, but I don't want to scare the men or children. You can see it if you click on the link.

I looked at some of her art work and wondered---where in the world would I hang that stuff if I was inclined to buy it?

I realize that some people collect and display erotica, but I'm talking about old married people with kiddies here.

A long time ago, my first husband and I were making an effort to meet and get to know other couples who were also new parents. An acquaintance at work invited us to come over one evening for a night of cards.

She and her husband lived downtown in a very beautiful high-rise apartment--lots of glass tables and leather couches. They had kind of a combination foyer/dining room and groupings of large artsy framed black-and-white photos all over the walls.

Halfway through the evening, we all got up to stretch our legs, refresh our drinks, etc, and my husband went to peruse their art work. He promptly freaked out.

One of the groupings was large photos of my acquaintance giving birth in stages.

Up close and personal with the zoom lens.

You could even see the mole to the left of her labia. Gak!

I guess the only good thing about it was that they weren't in color.

The next day, my husband requested that he not be required to attend any future card games.

"I just think I don't have much in common with a guy who looks at that when he eats his Wheaties every morning."

Since the entire exercise was to make friends with couples, essentially this was a bust for us. The acquaintance extended a few more invitations over the months, which I declined with some excuse or another. I always felt horribly guilty about it, because she was a nice woman.

I didn't know what to say to her.

"Seeing pictures of your crotch doing the bendy thing while you pushed out Uncle Fester gave my husband a complex? Now every time he sees my lil buddy naked he runs screaming from the house?"

Please don't get me wrong. I have two sons. I get the miracle of birth thing. We all feel as if we were the first ones on the planet to produce a little person. I understanding about wanting to share the joy.

Whip out the wallet and show a couple of baby pictures, for pete's sakes.

I know that giving birth is beautiful and natural and that's what vaginas are made for.

They're made for the act of making babies too.


You wouldn't hang pictures of you and your spouse doing the matrimonial polka on your dining room wall, would ya (I hope not)?

And while I'm at it...

Don't let your kids show their friends home videos of you giving birth without asking permission first. Their mommies will thank you for it.

That sh*t put my 7-year-old kid off grape jelly for almost a whole freaking year.


26 comments:

Mia said...

I am typing by feel because I just went to look at that "V" lady link and now I'm blind.

Charlie said...

Uh. Uh. Uh. Forget I uh'ed anything.

Kippa Herring said...

"I realize that some people collect and display erotica, but I'm talking about old married people with kiddies here."
Oh, yuk, indeed. It's all about appropriateness.
Like, "To everything there is a season . . . a time for this and a time for that . . . "
These folks waaay are past their due date.

And whattabout the kids?
I mean, it's bad enough when your parents flaunt your nekkid baby pics.

(I agree with Mia. The "V" lady is just too pink.
Now a nice 'tidy' beige, perhaps . . . )

shirley said...

"I just think I don't have much in common with a guy who looks at that when he eats his Wheaties every morning."

LOL - that really just sums it all up so perfectly!

Ames said...

mmmmkay....what do I say here?

I once showed a piece of my artwork...wish I had a link to reference it, but sorry....don't and the individual said, "you sure do have a lot of female genitalia references in this..." I wanted to know what the hell he was talking about, so he saved the photo to his computer, circled all the "parts" that could have been considered that in his opinion and emailed it back to me. Turns out, this guy was gay and knew nothing about art in me or art in the first place...personally I feel he was just AFRAID of the vagina. As for that lady, there is a monologue show that tours and I am sure she has a season pass.

PS - word verification stinks! :) that's all. I was at someone's T13 yesterday and that was listed as one of the things that annoyed her. I went to post a comment and there is was - WORD VERIFICATION! I am sure she did that on purpose and that fact that my PS is becoming as long if not longer than my S really amuses me :) Have a great night...thanks for the comment about my search words - "my thong is showing" What are these people looking for online anyway?!?!?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great post. And I agree. The whole vagina thing has been done to death.

We get it already, people. You're sophisticated artsy douche bags who have no hang-ups about women's sexuality.

Now put some freggin' clothes on!

Kim Ayres said...

I've read your post, twice, followed the links, and I still can't think of what to say, so I'll just stick with "Hi Atilla!"

debbiecakes said...

So why do the men get left out of these things? Aren't their parts worthy of a professionally framed black and white photos?

Your husband's response was the best.

I wouldn't ditch her as your own friend just yet, you could get together for "scrapbooking parties". I bet you'd love to see what her photo collages look like.

Miss Keeks said...

BWA HA HA HA!!!!! I think the Vagina Lady is hysterical--I especially love how her head is the clitoris. I can't understand why most of the pictures don't have people rubbing her head.

We were watching Adaptation last night. There was one brief shot of a woman giving birth. I almost puked. It's really gross looking. I'm amazed the kid can eat grape jelly to this day!

Having said all this, I still think that our (well, especially mine) vaginas should be honored daily. (Even if we have to do it ourselves!)

Nikki said...

ick

Mr. Fabulous said...

And The Vagina Lady's website said she was the LEADING vagina artist. Can you imagine what the hacks are turning out?

Sheila said...

Hilarious! Now I feel like I'm seeing vaginas everywhere, like in Edvard Munch's 'Scream'. The mouth just looks like another great gaping vagina. Pewk!

Jeremy Barker said...

I can't imagine hanging those kind of photos on the wall or even taking them for that matter. I've got a few more months before deciding to take our own pics of the blessed events.

St Jude said...

Art is in the eye of the beholder.

I suppose some people just need to get their 'spectacles' updated!!!

Jay said...

I think it's kind of sweet. Birth is supposed to be as natural and beautiful as flowers, or fruit, which way too many people hang and call "art"...frankly, I'll take vaginas over a bowl of fruit anyday!

Nightmare said...

I have my gasbag review written, now how do I get it to you? I forgot the rules and regulations already due to massive drug abuse in the 80's

The Goldfish said...

I know of one vulva-related shop which did amuse me; Crochet my Crotch which sells knitted and crocheted bags and purses including The World's Least Subtle Tampon Case.

However, I am curious, why does your Vagina Lady talk about the vagina, when what she actually representing is the vulva?

Cruxley said...

I can't top these comments. Your site is great. I'll be back.

Sexy Suburbanite said...

OMG!!! That is the craziest thing I've ever heard!! I don't have any kids myself but I'm pretty sure I'd be the type who insisted on anyone present (except the doctor) stay up by my head. The idea of taking pictures of it and then hanging those pictures anywhere that anyone can see them totally creeps me out. I think your Hubby was right to not want to hang out with that bunch anymore. Gee, and I thought I was open-minded. Guess I was wrong, so very wrong...

Weary Hag said...

I absolutely love your writing style here. Wonderful imagery (not that I really needed those birthing images at this early hour) and great timing.

As to the actual post topic... I'm with you completely. I once visited an old-friend-rediscovered and about died when I walked in to find her collection of male bits in the form of sculpture, marble, paintings and even a high back chair. Can you guess what was represented in the high back?

Wonderful writing! (and thanks for stopping by the Outpost) I'll be back again, when you least expect it. :)

Me said...

When I first went on the vaginalady's website, I was like- oh how cute, pink...OHLORDTHEYAREVAGINAS. And you are right, I have nothing against vaginas but putting your birth process on the walls would make have a complex. I wouldn't be able to see anything else when I looked at the person. They'd just be a giant thingy to me. :)

"AG" said...

I agree with you 100 percent. There's an old Saturday Night live skit with Gilda Radner (RIP). She's in a grocery store and asks another woman if she has ever tried "Placenta Helper." LoL.

I think giving birth and matters involving down there should not be hung on family walls when you are likely to have company.

"AG" said...

For crying out loud, I just went to that site. HAHAHAHAHAHA I couldn't imgine walking around with one of those "cutsie" bags. But then again, it would be hilarious!

34quinn said...

wow..have been reading your blogs and laughing my ass off !!!
I am certain I will be back to read more.
Have a great day

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