Saturday, April 29, 2006

Condom-nation


I was talking to Number One Son on the phone the other night. He's getting ready to come home from his first year of college, and we were firming up the plans to pick him up.

Suddenly he said, I can't believe that you wrote I thought I had scalp cancer on your blog!

Wow, he reads my blog!

Usually I try to talk about my sons only in a general sense. If I have concerns that hubby might feel--ahem--violated over something I write, I let him have a look-see first. And I don't use names.

I mentioned to Number One that there's actually a lot of things I've refrained from blogging about, because I was leery about embarrassing him.


I don't want your friends to think I'm strange. What if you fictionalize it and make me into someone else?

Uh ok. Below is a--er fictionalization. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Late last summer when hubby and I were getting ready to take A Kid Who Is Not Related to us (from now on known as AKWINR) to college, I was at the grocery store grabbing every last minute thing I thought he would need at his new home-away-from-home.


I went up and down the aisles. Cold remedies. Garbage bags. Cleaning supplies. Deodorant.

Then I stopped dead in my tracks.

In front of an entire wall of condoms.

The Little Kid Who IS Related To Us said, What's wrong, Mom?

"Nothing. I'm thinking."

What a dilemma! To me, AKWINR will always be the little guy running around in his Power Rangers underoos. The thought of him getting jiggy with coeds is one I hate to entertain. Of course, thinking of the alternatives is even worse.

I called my husband on my cell phone.

"I'm at the store. Do you think we should buy him condoms?"

That's a really really good idea!

"Can you do it on your way home from work?"

I don't think I'm going to have time. You're right there, why don't you do it?

"Because this is truly skeeving me out! I don't want to seem like I'm encouraging him! There is something really wrong with this scenario!"

As much as being a grandma in your 30's? I'll give them to him.

"Good point. What kind should I get? There's a 100 choices here."

Do they have any double baggers?

"What?"

Never mind---guy joke. Just get the regular kind. Get the industrial sized box.

"Boy, these are expensive. Hey they've got generic!"

Don't even think about it! Consider it as an investment in his future! Gotta go!

The Little Guy decides to pipe up. Mom, what does lubricated mean?

By this time, I'm sure I was 10 different shades of red. I was still trying to find the "right" kind. Did you know they even have sizes?

"Honey, I'll tell you later. Go over there and read what's on those boxes!" I pointed down the aisle. Two minutes later I realized I had pointed him to the tampon section. Gak!

Later, when we unloaded the car, I stuck the box of condoms in hubby's golf bag. He slipped them to AKWINR on the sly later.

Wow thanks! Good thing Mom doesn't know about this! She'd sh*t gold bricks!

Guys. I gotta love them.

Even the ones who aren't related to me.




20 comments:

Kim Ayres said...

Ok, so he reads your blog. Let's just hope he didn't get all excited about it and tell his friends your blog address.

Mind you, if his friends now know he's got an industrial sized box of condoms then he could make a killing selling them at a vastly inflated price to all his pals who are too embarrassed to ask their mums to buy them...

Weary Hag said...

Great story here! I've never had to purchase condoms (basically because during the era when I was dating and married and divorced and dating again and married again and divorced again ... they didn't even have them yet!

Your husband is a smart puppy to deliver the goods. Saved everyone a bit of embarrassment!

Attila The Mom said...

Kim--Yeah, it's weird. For the first time in his life, I'm actually pretty "cool"! ;-)

WH--Thanks! It was rather awkward!

Kippa Herring said...

Well, you certainly got YOURS, didn't you?
And he's going to love this one.
But, man, you're subtle! You and hubby are almost balletic.

(coming from someone who also has a couple of KWANRTUs, gawd help)

Attila The Mom said...

Miss Litzi--Thanks! I don't feel so openminded when it comes to my babies. ;-) And no, he can do his own damn laundry!

Kippa--He's actually kind of tickled to be mentioned. LOL

Kippa Herring said...

Attilla, you said he's tickled.
Why am I not suprised?
That's your guy!

Mr. Fabulous said...

LOL Very cool story! So THAT'S what it's like to have kids...

Rhonda said...

Too funny. I love this story and the way you tell it.

Big Pissy said...

Ah.....the college years....

Is the young man who is in NO way related to you in a fraternity?

'Cuz if he is, buying in bulk is a good idea! ;-)

Great story!

Nikki said...

Attila, I hope when the day comes and I am presented with this same scenario, I handle it as well as you did. I can see myself in 17 years looking at the boxes of condoms and cooking up green-bean surprise.

Karen said...

Ha ha ha!! good mom.
and my red paint- from Lowes. I love it. thanks!

Miss Keeks said...

Hey ATM, I have a couple of comments to make...
1. I call my cat "Number One Son" too. That's just too weird. Of course, Oscar is a fur kid who doesn't mind being written about (especially right now--he's rather hungry and is chewing on the computer)
2. My blog is a secret from all family members... including the BandC. How else can I complain about them secretly/publicly?? I think it's hysterical that the fam reads your blogs.
3. (finally!) I have a good friend who has told her sons since before puberty that there were, "girls who just wanted to have babies and have someone else pay for it." I'm not sure if that's the right approach. I know she's not a grandma yet, but I don't think her sons are dating either...

kj

Attila The Mom said...

Mr. Fab---try it! You might like it!

Rhonda--just wait. You're next. ;-)

BP--No frat. Just in the vicinity of 4 ritzy ski resorts and all those snow bunnies!

Nikki--hopefully by then the chastity belt will be back in style!

Karen--there are 500 shades of red, damnit!

Miss Keeks--you call your husband your wife. You're just a damn weirdo. Kidding.

Mia said...

Way to go Mom! Very cool indeed. I would have had an anxiety attack in the store too.
Some day when our kids are in therapy (I have no College fund for my kids, just a therapy fund) maybe they will be reminded more of the Martha Stewart-ish Good Things. Can you see it? Condoms wrapped in colorful tissue paper and tied double knotted with raffia so he had to at least work for it. That's something I would do.

Me said...

ROTFL..oh my god! I woudln't know what I would have done if my parents had even mentioned "sex" to me. What a subtle to handle it :)

debbiecakes said...

Ewwww!!!! I don't even wanna think about it. Especially since mine's only three years old.

TxGoodie said...

I think it's important to buy a box for the GIRLS too...to...ahem...cover those situations where the male's momma wasn't as cool as YOU!

I was at Kroger one time and b.s.ing with the clerk in the pharmacy and she told me that the store had just nabbed a young lad stealing condoms. I felt sorry for him that he had to steal them and admiration for him going that extra mile, so to speak, to procure some. I'll betcha his parents think he's still playing with his hotwheels....

Empress Baggie said...

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!

Love,
EB

imfunnytoo said...

Ah, makes me nostalgic for my married years...when for a number of reasons condoms were vital...so much so that if he/I forgot to get em....

"The couple sighs heroically, separates and heads for the shower."

Yay for condoms.

Oh, The Joys said...

Oh wow. I can't imagine buying condoms for The Mayor. Luckily he's still only 2. Phew.