Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Continuing Adventures of A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us

The first time I brought you the story of A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us was in a post about condoms.

Since then, a couple of things have happened--he messed up his medications in college and came home a bit of a wreck.

Things have been progressing in a positive direction, but he's still having some anxiety and extreme obsessiveness about his health and every little ache or pain.

Luckily it's not a daily crisis any more, but it certainly has its moments.

Like last night.

This morning I had an email exchange with my friend Admiral Pooper, where I gave him a rough description of the event, and half-heartedly threatened to write a post about it.

He wrote back and said, "I think you just did. Who ELSE could this happen to?"

So below is a FICTIONALIZED account about A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us (aka AKWINR):

I've sunk to a new low. Last night I actually had to examine an ingrown hair next to a AKWINR's anus to reassure him it's not a tumor.

AKWINR: Mom, would you please please look at it?

Me (horrified): "No. Oh hell no! It's probably just a pimple."

AKWINR: Are you sure? Can you swear to me that it's not a tumor?

Me: "Of course not. I'm not a doctor. We can call HIM in the morning and have HIM look at it."

AKWINR: That's just great, Mom. I could die from this tonight and you don't even care. That's not good parenting.

[10 years of therapy and all he got out of it was the catchphrase "That's not good parenting".]

...Another 15 minutes of this back and forth...the kid just wore me down. He is absolutely relentless when he gets like this.

AKWINR: Mom, please, just look at it. I'll never get to sleep tonight because I'm scared.

Me (realizing that I'm in Borgland and resistance is futile): "Ok."

AKWINR pulls his pants down, IN THE LIVING ROOM, IN FRONT OF THE PICTURE WINDOW, IN FRONT OF GOD AND THE NEIGHBORS, bends over and sticks his Po-po in my face.

Me: "Jesus, when did your butt get so hairy?"

AKWINR: Moooooom! Can you see it?

Me: "No, I don't see anything. It's probably an ingrown hair. Your dad's butt was never this hairy. Maybe you're the undiscovered missing link!"

He pulls his cheeks apart: Well look closer!

Me: "Am I being Punk'd? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? Are you going to let off a howler in my face and run away laughing?"

AKWINR: Mooooom! Can you see it?

Me: "No."

He lets go of one cheek and points: It's right there! Can you see it?

Me: "No. Are you sure you're not going to fart on me?"

AKWINR: Feel it, it's right there.

Me: "I AM NOT going to stick my finger up there! Are you out of your mind? Whoops, let me rephrase that...There is NO freaking way I'm going to spelunk your butt!"

AKWINR: Moooom! It hurts. Just tell me it's not a tumor!

So I take my finger and jab it into his butt cheek--NOT his crack--and say in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice: "It's not a toomah!"

AKWINR: Did you feel it?

Me (lying my head off): "Yes. It's a pimple. Go take a hot bath."

AKWINR (greatly relieved): Thanks Mom. Love you.

I bet Carol Brady or June Cleaver never had to do this. Bitches.


DutchBitch said...

Well, that was an uncomplicated and easy way to get "Thanks Mom. Love You" outta that one... I'm sure it was all worth it in the end ;-)

Sven said...

Next time give him a hand held mirror.

St Jude said...

Aye dear, the things we do for love! You are a brave, brave woman, who has ventured where no mother should have to go. LOL

Attila the Mom said...

Thanks for your words of encouragement all.

Just got back from the doc, and YES it was an ingrown hair.

The doc gave him a lecture about obsessiveness and OBSESSIVENESS, so it was all to the good.

I am never ever ever going to do that again. ;-)

Art_Fulldodger said...

I laughed so hard I just spit diet coke all over my monitor reading that. I think you must be inline for Sainthood or something, because I wouldnt even do that for my own flesh and blood. I second the Hand Mirror or if all else fails back your ass up to the Bathroom sink mirror and look between your legs.

Stella said...

Attila, that was just SO entertaining, not for you I know, but I had great visuals!!! Funny funny funny, woman you are a saint.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Goodness. you win. can I buy you a drink?

Michelle Flaherty said...

You're a better mother than I. I would never do that for my kids...mainly because if they asked me to I know they'd only do it just so I would get my head right near them so they could fart on me.

Rhonda said...

There is a special place in the Mother's Hall of Fame just for you.

Special K said...

Oh, my dear Jesus.

Nikki said...

You will be cannonized the day of your death

34quinn said...

The most important job in the world is to be a mom ..and even though the boy's worries were far from what it was ..I think that the fact that this young man...was secure enough with his relationship with you ( his mom) to know it a safe place to get the right answers and "bare " it all.... then you have indeed been "THE MOM".....We love them and when we say we would do anything for them.....we mean it...checking butts included.

Kevin Charnas said...

LMAO!!! Oh man...you just were granted some wings or something...AND you just induced a flashback for me...something I forgot (or repressed), but would've NEVER had my mother check it out...holy shit.
You did really have me laughing though, sorry...well, not really...I needed the laugh, so thanks!

Daughter of 2 women said...

HaHaHaHa. That IS funny! You are a wonderful mom. That is true love.

Amyadoptee said...

After the brokeback mountain kinda day I had, this story brings my day to a hilarious close. I am sorry you should be given automatic sainthood. I died laughing the whole way through this.

Unknown said...

Oh dear! Talk about above and beyond the call of duty. All I can think to say is poor you.

Glad to hear it was nothing serious.

Mia said...

I really want to CRACK a joke here BUTT nothing is coming to mind.

Charlie said...

[10 years of therapy and all he got out of it was the catchphrase "That's not good parenting".]

That's strange, because Woody Allen never picked up on it during fifty years of therapy.

Miss Keeks said...

Urgh... never having kids, never having kids. (new mantra--also, unable to use full sentences)

My old boss used to tell me how her mother used to pick worms out of her butt when she was a kid. Gross.

Anonymous said...

OMyOMy! LOL That's about all I can say that hasn't been said already. You have won the prize for best mom, that's for sure!

Rootietoot said...

suddenly, my child's manic depression doesn't seem so bad. Bless you and your son's arse.

Mr. Fabulous said...

That is GOOD parenting!

Phil said...

I'm sorry for laughing at your pain. I hope he gets you the best birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day presents ever. You deserve it. The things we do for our kids.

carmachu said...

Your one awesome mom there. Who else would brave looking at their grown kids butt to reassure him he's ok.....

Anonymous said...

Well I suppose as a parent you have to take the bottom line.

kimananda said...

This does sound above and beyond what would be expected of Ms. Brady or Ms. Cleaver...but then again, do we really know what they or their kids were getting up to in the off season?

Ruth Dynamite said...

You are too funny (and one heck of a mom).

Big Pissy said...


You've earned the wings, halo, mother of the year, sainthood.....there aren't enough awards to give you for what you did!

girl said...

I've just added another 5 reasons why I'm not ready to become a mom!

Anonymous said...

Those gloves remind me of a housekeeping secret I've been meaning to patent, or something.

Forget lint brushes for cat/dog hair... put on those rubber gloves and run 'em along your pillows, couch, whatever and watch the fabric reappear before your very eyes.

Geeky, but true.

OneEar said...

This is a kid with a great sense of humor. He will do well.

Jim Big Toe said...

Next time threaten to take his temp with the thermometer.

Debbie said...

thou art a woman possessed of strong heart, and even stronger stomach.


Sassy said...

That. Was. Freakin'. Hilarous. So far I've never had to do anything close to an anal/pimple probe and I hope I never do. LOL!

RC said...

wow, just recently found your blog and been reading it every now and again, and am starting to follow the links.

that's crazy.

my wife recently found a mole on my back she wanted me to get checked out and i drug my feet b/c i hate the doctor.

i did go (a couple weeks ago) but when she TOLD MY MOM (a nurse) my mom would not leave me alone to look at the mole on my back...

yet i resisted because...well...no way did i want that.

the mole is fine, not cancerous...as i'm sure your sons ingrown hair also was not cancerous.


crazy story.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com