Tuesday, May 30, 2006

You Lil' Devil!


In yet another episode of doofusness, newspapers across the globe are reporting a spate of soon-to-be mothers asking to have labor induced or c-sections planned in an effort to avoid giving birth on June 6.

That's right. 06/06/06

They're afraid they're going to give birth to the Anti-Christ.

June 6 is also the day the movie remake of The Omen is scheduled for release.

"In 'The Omen,' Damien is the Anti-Christ. The son of a wealthy American diplomat, the boy has all the advantages of blood and money, and he's got the devil's brand - 666 - on his head. The number comes from Revelation, Chapter 13, which describes a dragon (Satan) and his two helpers, a beast from the sea and another from the land. God's army ultimately will battle the dragon and his henchmen, but in the meantime, the land beast will stamp humans with a mark."

"Many biblical scholars say the number refers to Nero, the Roman emperor who caused much misery among the nascent Christians. Each Hebrew letter has a numerical value, and Nero's name - Neron Caesar - equals 666.

Writing around the time of Nero's reign, Revelations author John of Patmos was reflecting on contemporary signs of the end times - "a situation where the world is falling apart and God is going to have to intervene sooner or later to sort it all out," said Ian Markham, dean of Hartford Seminary.

"The early church assumed Jesus would return soon and usher in the end of the world," Markham said.

But assigning any relevance to 6/6/06, he said, "is silly for a multitude of reasons."

First of all, the calendar has been altered greatly from the days of John's revelation.

"The calendar keeps changing," Markham said. "There's absolutely no significance."'

One histrionic mother-to-be in the UK was interviewed by The Sun. Now for all I know, The Sun is the equivalent to the Weekly World News (the publication that brought us Bat Boy).

In it, Melissa Parker, who is having a baby with boyfriend Lee, vowed to do everything she can to avoid giving birth on her due date, June 6th.

"Oh God, I’m giving birth to Damien from The Omen. Every day I wake up feeling something bad will happen. I’m terrified the birth will go wrong or the child will have evil in him or her. Even worse my beautiful baby could be the devil himself — the anti-Christ."

Well, Melissa, inquiring minds want to know...

If you're genuinely worried about this (being such a believer and all), why were you playing "hide the salami" with Lee without the benefit of a church blessing?

And if The Almighty really planned on your kid being the eater of all worlds, do you think there's anything you can do to stop it?

...Just playing the Devil's Advocate here.

31 comments:

Nikki said...

"Hide the Salami"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Snort

Karen said...

Idiots.
anyway, my Devil Spawn was born in September...
thanks for the laugh today!

Miss Keeks said...

I think scholars have recently decided that 666 is not the number of the beast. But I don't know what the number of the beast is. Frankly, 666 sounds better than "439, the number of the beast."

If Gidget--or whatever her name is--is so worried about giving birth to the antichrist, shouldn't she have considered not giving birth at all? Freaks!! And now it will definitely be evil... as it will be bastard spawn, AKA practically adopted.

And... if you ever wondered about the significance of 668... I'm the neighbor of the devil. (I do have some annoyingly loud neighbors.)

Kippa Herring said...

How ridiculous. The devil's in the details. Sproglets are all evil. It's called original sin. It's what parents get for doing it in the first place

Rhonda said...

I can't wait to read the follow up stories about the births on 6/6/6. I'm sure they will be filled with stupid human tricks.

This was hysterical.

Charlie said...

The beast from the sea must be Godzilla—no, that can't be right—Godzilla.

The beast from the sea, then, must be me in my swimming togs. Speedos, so Prong is . . . never mind.

Did someone say we're having salami for lunch? (I thought I'd ask that before Rhonda gets here and save her the trouble.)

MISS KEEKS is right: 439 IS a lousy number for a beast.

You know, I think there should be an I.Q. test before humans are allowed to salami down: Something over 6 or 8 should be mandatory.

Charlie said...

Forget what I said about Rhonda. We got here at the same time.

Big Pissy said...

This doesn't surprise me at all.

People are stupid.

Can't wait to see the new "Damian" though....I like a scary movie! ;-)

Meg said...

I wouldn't want to have a kid that day. I've had bad luck with those numbers. This one time I went and bought some cat milk and the total came to $6.66. I almost bought something else, but decided I wasn't superstitious. The very next day my wallet was stolen, then when I went to the bank and changed my accounts and checked to see if my checks had cleared, the teller said they all did. BUT THEN! Like two weeks later I found out that check hadn't cleared! Evil numbers!!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Hey, I think that's when I was born...

James Medhurst said...

How ridiculous. Anyway, there have been years ending in 06 in twenty previous centuries. Does that mean there have been twenty Anti-Christs that just went missing?

Beki said...

LOL - I hadn't seen this story, even though I frequent the Sun website. The Sun by the way is a tabloid newspaper aad everyday the havey a Page Three girl - some young strumpet with her boobies out.

What is really funny is they add a little bit of text where strumpet of the day has a quote about the latest big events.

"Sensational Sheree, 21 from Croydon, is worrying about Satan's return 'Oh my gawd' says the stunner, '6/6/06 is, like, dead scary, innit?' "

You should read their thoughts on the global economic situation or the threat of terrorism. 'It's, like, dead scary, innit?'

Nightmare said...

I AM HERE! I just hate the weekend satanists.

Attila The Mom said...

You guys are cracking me up. LOL

DutchBitch said...

It is possible to have a satanic child even on other dates in the year... Isn't that proven by all whining kids in supermarkets and restaurants and stuff... They can't ALL have been born on satanic dates... Really...

kimananda said...

So, as the calendar has changed a lot, so that 6/6/6 is no longer a devilish number...when will the devil spawn really be born? I'm not religious, but it would be cool if the real date was my birthday....

Mia said...

I saw a billboard last week that was black with 6+6+06 Heed the warning! on it. I was like WTF?!?!? I had to come home and google it to see what religious freaks were responsible! Inquiring minds want to know and all....
I felt a little sheepish when I discovered it was just an ad for The Omen. They must have had this planned for years! Brilliant on their part I think.

rockyjay said...

The beast is European Union.

Now, the number of the beast is not sixhundredsixtysix (666), but six-six-six (6-6-6). This is the biggest misconception.

"...If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666..." So, what is the man's number??? His social security number, d'oh!

Now European Union is about to issue a social security number to all of its citizens. That number will be 18 digits, consisting:

6-digit prefix, including country code and 3 random numbers
6-digit random part
6-digit date of birth.

Example. Say you were born in the UK.

countrycode 44 -> 044
three random numbers 123

6-digit random part 456789

date of birth 010169

So, the SS# would be 044123-456789-010169.

6-6-6.

Add a microship that is inserted in your forehead or your right hand.

And try open a bank account or do anything without "the mark"

"...to so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark..."

Tera said...

Ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahahaha!

Dude...not even Damien was born on 6/6/_6. The original "Omen" was released in 1976, and he was 5 years old then. (The writers had him born on June 6th at 6 AM).

Thanks for the laugh, Attila!

Haleigh Anne said...

That's great! I can't believe some people really believe in that kind of stuff...and they are raising our future!!!

michele said...

My social security number
has 999,i aways joke thank
god it wasn't 666.I have
enough issues.lol

TxGoodie said...

I wonder how many mothers are TRYING to have their babe(s) on 6-6-6? There's lot of wackos out there...

St Jude said...

The Sun is the paper that no self respecting person would be seen reading. It's not even good enough to wrap your fish and chips in.

But they will have been paying her a nice little 'bonus' so that's ok then.

Brenda said...

I was a non-believer until I read Meg's comment. Now I'm nearly convinced. In what I'm not sure.

the babycub said...

Mmmmmmmmm, The Sun. It is the newspaper equivalent of The Jerry Springer Show.

It's most famous headline was "Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster". Just about sums it up really.

Kate said...

I was going to post the Freddie Starr Ate my Hamster headline too, but Baby Cub beat me to it.

Suffice it to say the Sun is incredibly down market. You'd need an iq of 6+6+6 to find it interesting.

Annie Drogynous said...

If anyone is the anti-Christ it's me.

My mother was reading Rosemary's Baby when she was pregnant with me. Ira Levin mentioned a certain date, the same date I was born, as the date of her anti-Christ son's birth, and as my mother was reading this she was saying to herself "please not that date, please not that date". Sure enough, it WAS that date and I've reared my ugly head for her ever since then.

carmachu said...

I cant see why anyone's worried. The beast is already been born, her name is Paris Hilton......

Anyway, women are crazy when their pregnant, so no matter what, you cant reason with them on this....

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