Thursday, May 18, 2006

You Can Prick Your Finger...

George Carlin had it right. It's all about language and how we "arrange" it.

I'm going out on a limb here.

Well not really, because I know that women have actually secretly manipulated the universe for the last 20 years or so, and we just like to let men think they're in charge.

In another 20 years, we'll have complete world domination and hot men will be wearing thongs in public and the others will be forced to shave their backs, strap up those saggy man boobs and wear girdles while they do the dishes.

:::Subliminal Message for male readers: Hooters! You didn't process the above paragraph! Beer! Bunions are sexy! NFL! We wimmens are really reading romance novels while you're tailgaiting and not plotting against you! Rimjob!
Uh, keep dreaming. Leave The Seat Up! Hugh Hefner and Donald Trump would be hot even if they were broke! Foot Massage on your gnarly-ass stanky feet! You are getting very sleepy! Like when you eat all that turkey and stuffing on Thanksgiving and loll on the couch, snoring and farting and dreaming of Jessica Simpson feeding you cheesy pizza bites in her kicky red cowboy boots!::::

If you're easily offended by smut in a general sense, please hit the back button.

That is if the above hasn't chased you away already.

Mom, this means you.

My last post was about language, and how it's evolving too fast for me to keep up.

It didn't start out to be about my nephew's silliness, but I thought that bit was cute enough to stand on it's own.

It really started with an article I read the other night, about how some citizens in Arizona were objecting to a Las Vegas restaurant franchising in their area.

It's a successful eatery called "The Pink Taco". Their supposed signature dish is tacos made with magenta corn tortillas.

I didn't "get" it.

Like I said a couple of days ago, oh boy, am I out of the loop.

So I asked my husband.

"Have you ever heard of a Pink Taco?"

Huh? A what?

"A Pink Taco. I just read an article about how this Arizona city is up in arms because a restaurant wants to franchise there and people find the name offensive. Do you have any idea why? Have you heard anything about this?"

After a moment or so of thinking, he got a look on his face.

Several looks, actually. One after another.

I recognized them.

The first was the "I wish I belonged to another species" look. Complete with a blush that turned him beet red from head to--uh--neck.

The second look was--"Sh*t! I can't lie! She Googles!"

The third was---"How can I come out of this looking good?"

What he actually said was, "Are you going to hurt me?"

Then he added, "You know, when I was in college I used to go to a bar in Ocean City called 'The Bearded Clam'".

So then I got it.

Well blech. Double blech. Silly me.

I have a lot of references saved up in my favorites places. Some include scatalogical euphamisms and fart terms. I never like---uh---really pored over them in detail--I just have them in case I ever need a creative way to say "chuck a turd".

Included in those references are dictionaries of slang terms about sex.

So I pulled them up. Not a "Pink Taco" entry amongst them.

But what I DID find, was acres of mostly gross euphamisms about female body parts and female bodily functions.

Who comes up with all this stuff? Need I ask?

Nestled in the gazillion definitions of breasts, menstruation, loose women, illegitimate children, female genitalia, sex, bums and blowjobs is one brief category. About the male naughty bits.

Listed are definitions like:

Morning Pride
Sporting a Sequoia
Miracle Meat

Uh huh.

Ladies, I think we need to step up the timeline for that world domination thingy.

Hillary or Condi in 2008!


34quinn said...

I live in a male dominated household.

My biggest question is in the world do any of them actually make it to adulthood.
They say and do the most ridiculous things.
WEll, I suppose if it weren't for us they wouldn't make it.

Big Pissy said...

"Pink Taco"?!?!?

Never heard that one!

I agree with do they make it to adulthood?

Charlie said...

It is NOT called a pink taco: it is a sideways taco and always has been. As well as a bearded clam, of course.

The town in question is Scottsdale, the snoots of Snootdom. Their mayor, a female, is apoplectic. She has threatened them with no liquor license, forgetting that she has nothing to do with liquor licensing. The resturant owners have politely told her to go to hell.

Oops, gotta go and drain the monster. I mean the snake. I mean my johnson.

34quinn: There is no such thing as an adult male.

Mom: Glad to see that you are up to your low standards.

Jimbo Big Toe said...

I wish I would have taken your advice and hit the back button. “Pink Taco” is way gross. I couldn’t imagine why these disgusting guys think this stuff is funny. I for one am ashamed to be a man.

Miss Keeks said...

I have the unfortunate ability to be able to picture whatever someone is talking about. Although I had never heard the term "pink taco." I figured it out pdq after the image came up in my mind.

Really, it's not a gift, it's a curse.

Nikki said...

Jimbo, give me a break! I regularly go to your site and YOU are a SICK SICK man! (which is of course why I go)

Mom, that was sooooo funny. I have never heard of it being called a "Pink Taco" before, but I knew exactly what you were referring to.

I would like to thank you for the educational terms for men. However, if my hubby ever refers to himself in terms of cacti...NO! Cacti have spines on them. OUCH!

Rhonda said...

Like Miss Keeks, words turn into pictures in my mind so, though "pink taco" was a new one on me, it all clicked pretty quickly - once I turned things sideways.

I can't wait to hear what google keyword hits your stat counter is going to unveil after this post!

Brilliantly hysterical.

Kim Ayres said...

Hooters, Beer and NFL! Great post!

carmachu said...

Men never make it to adulthood, we fake it and you marry us and then its all over but the crying....

Anonymous said...

Im a bit worried about both Condi and Hillary for different reasons (the main one is they both seem to be impressed with a man slightly more up the ladder than themselves) but I have to say that my shortfall might be that Im too critical..If I had to choose it would be Hilary but it seems we have slim pickings for women in positions of power. The rest of your post is hilarious as usual. Go Atila!

kim said...

*laugh* Great post.

And they make it to adulthood because we LET them. It's much easier to just let them think they run things and control them. Like puppetmasters.


Me said...

"Pink Taco"?
I still don't....ohLORD....oh ... men are so gross!!!

Kathy said...

OMG, I did get this one right away. After getting laughed at for months, when I had to think twice about fish taco. I have family in Scottsdale, gotta check this one out. But, ya know, I gotta say, who the hell cares what they call it?? Unless they come right out and call it tw%t or something, just let it go. No?

Mr. Fabulous said...

Hey, I'm ready to wear a thong in public NOW. Just give me the sign...

Attila The Mom said...

Quinn---Well, somebody has to clean up the mess!

BP---At least it will match your cardigan. ;-)

Pooper---With a name like Pooper, I thought you'd like it.

Jimbo---bahahah--ouch! I hurt myself laughing.


Nikki and Rhonda---It would have taken me a long time to get it. I thought it was Tacos for the Barbie crowd.


Attila The Mom said...

Carmachu---It's a conspiracy I tell you!

Sheila--I agree. But at least it's not Anna Nicole Smith. ;-)

Kim--Puppetmasters. I like that!


Kath---Imagine the uproar if they called it the Furburgerrama.

Mr. Fab---you'd go nekkid all day if it was legal!

Nightmare said...

I have used that term "pink Taco" for years and I knew the guy who owned one of the first pink taco resturants in Manhattan Ks( I don't think they are the same now, but at the time it was one of the first). It didn't last, he got a welt from the Bible Belt. That and because they kept snorting up the profits.

golfwidow said...

This reminded me of that thing a couple of years back where someone decided that Stonehenge was some sort of massive female fertility symbol. I was, like, you'd think it'd be easier to get a woman to show you her nortybits than to push all those big heavy rocks into position, wouldn't you?

Anyway, good laugh, so thank you. You've given Taco Tuesday a whole new meaning.

Beki said...

I didn't get this straight away. I'd like to think it is because I am pure and naive but the truth is I am not well acquainted with tacos or Mexican food in general so it was beyond my imagination.

kimananda said...

Now that is just a silly euphemism.

debbiecakes said...

Just read about this on "Poisonous Points" blog. I never heard of it before. I do know of a restaurant called "The Rusty Nail". Somehow, I don't find it appetizing.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Sounds like a great first-date kinda place.

Not too long ago I read through an entire dictionary of slang terms (for a project, not for fun). It was useless because the language changes too fast. "Pink Taco" is going to be so passe in about a second.

Mia said...

Maybe we should suggest the tw%t taco to The Bell! They have GOT to be out of ways to slap together the same six ingredients soon! We could make millions!!!

Phil said...

There are plenty more definitions/names for male genitalia and we've named them all. No offense, but how could you not get Pink Taco. I'm pretty sure we're about the same age. BTW, that was one of the funniest posts I've read anywhere in a long time.

Attila The Mom said...

Nightmare---well, I'm sure snorting up the profits might spoil a biz for big time fame unless it's the Robert Downey Jr. Eatery. ;-)

Beki--I'm trying desperately to equate it with something in British Cuisine, but all I can say is that everybody on this side of the pond gets a big snerk out of "Spotted Dick".

Golf Widow---oooh Taco Tuesday. You have to come back and explain that one!

Kimananda---oh I agree. It really flew over my head.

Debbie--well at this point, me either. I actually found a picture of one of the Pink Tacos online, but it was a personal pic on somebody's blog and I didn't feel good about appropriating it.

Miss Litzi---Oh, you never know. Was it an inherited recipe? A lot of parents from the 50's generation have inflicted some really disgusting crap on their kids. Including mine. A mom of a friend of mine made stroganoff out of campbells tomato soup and sour cream, which was a startling pink. They called it Pink Monkey Vomit.

Ruth---I am so behind with the times. My son, just home from college came into my office and caught this whole thing. He was shocked that his MOM was writing about PINK TACOS! He said, "why ask Dad? Why didn't you ask ME?"

Mia---bahahaha. Too funny. It would be illegal in 12 states. ;-)

Phil---I don't know why the Pink Taco flew over my head, really. I like to delude myself into thinking that I'm sort of "tuned in".

All I can say in my own defense is that my husband is a real gentleman, and my son doesn't think that discussing "tw*t" definitions with his mom is appropriate.

Maybe you should discuss this in your next "guy rules" post. (nudge nudge, wink wink) ;-)

Kate said...

I didn't get it at first either, but like Beki, my knowledge of Mexican food is limited.

"but all I can say is that everybody on this side of the pond gets a big snerk out of "Spotted Dick."

My Gran had a cookbook that renamed it Speckled Richard, even she thought that was being a tad too prudish LOL

carmachu said...

Attila The Mom:

Of course its a conspiracy. Its like why only one sock comes out of a dryer after two go in, or why women go to the bathroom in pairs and groups(you'd think you gals would learn that the line to women's room would be shorter if you went by yourself...).

Charlie said...

MOM: Imagine the uproar if they called it the Furburgerrama.

We're even--you made me snort coffee through my nose.

KATE: My Gran had a cookbook that renamed it Speckled Richard, even she thought that was being a tad too prudish.


MACHU CARMACHU: . . . why women go to the bathroom in pairs and groups . . .

A pack of wolves to snark about everyone else's bad clothes and hair.

Oh, wait a minute. This isn't my blog. I forgot where I was for a moment. Sorry, Mom.

petunia said...

I have never heard the expression myself. I figure if it's a real taco place let them call it "The Armpit" for all I care. If it's the pink taco and it's the name for a strip club or a gay bar I understand why the neighborhood residents may raise an objection. That brings in a certain clientel. Anyone who wants a red taco - just because it's called that.....go for it....

TxGoodie said...

Alas, Pink Taco makes a lot of sense if you're dining at the "Y"....