Monday, December 04, 2006

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Santa 0, Grinch 2

I think I have bad orthodontist karma.
I don't know why, because we always pay the bill on time, we follow all the directions, even the oogy ones involving turning keys in appliances in the top of the mouth, little rubberbands, and the kid has good oral hygiene.

A couple of months ago, I brought you a really embarrassing story about how I snotted all over myself in the waiting room at Little Guy's appointment.

Even though it was just an unfortunate incident, I jumped at the chance to change to the 10am-ish appointment time slot, so I'd be less likely to run into someone who might remember me running out of the office with that mess dripping all over my hands and arms.

You'd think that I'd be pretty anonymous in a doctor's office, but no such luck.

In our small mountain town, the orthodontist only comes up here every other Friday. Every kid in town with braces fit their appointments in on those two days a month. We have to drive down into the city to the other office for the really big stuff. And people with particular time-slots seem to reschedule the same one every visit.

Last Friday was Little Guy's appointment. We got there in time, and the place was packed. They were running behind schedule. We finally got seats, and the kid was disgruntled about the delay. Seems he actually LIKES gym class and was mad about missing it.

We were wedged in at the end of a row, with a small end-table between us and the wall. I just sat back and took in the environment.

Anyway, the kid finally got called in, and I didn't feel like reading my book, so I sat looked around at everybody. On the table next to me, there was a large sign that read, "Due to the sensitive nature of some of our equipment, we respectfully ask that you turn off your cellphones." I looked around again. There was a sign like that on the reception desk, and on the two other end tables.

I checked mine. It was off.

There were 3 women yakking away on theirs.

So I sat there for about 10 minutes working my way into an anxiety attack. I could just imagine the orthodontist putting some pointy electric drill thing in my kid's mouth and having it take on a life of its own due to these inconsiderate asshats---shooting a 10-inch needle up through the roof of his mouth into his brain or something.

Ok, I'm weird that way.

One yakking woman seemed to have 6 kids with her---the oldest in the mid-teens. They were seated when we got there, so they obviously weren't the ortho patient. I started's around 11am on a school day. Is this a field trip? Home school event?

The youngest in the group was around 3 or 4 years old. He actually had one of those plastic guns that shoots the darts with the suction cups on the end. Granted, he only had ONE dart, but what kind of freaking fool would let their kid run around a closed waiting room shooting darts at stuff?

The mother was obliviously caught up in her phone conversation, her older kids were totally disinterested (busy catching up on real-world culture by reading 3 months worth of Teen Beat magazines), and the receptionist kept giving them the hairy eyeball but was too wimpy to tell this woman to take control of her kid.

The kid with the gun shot his dart at the wall in the corner by my head. The dart bounced off the wall, and dropped down underneath the end table next to me.

There was a big decorative holiday basket filled with pine cones in front of the table, and the kid didn't have the age-appropriate knowledge that he could just MOVE the basket to get his dart, and I wasn't about to illuminate him. Relief at last!

I took my book out and started reading.

But then he started whimpering.

First it was just a snuffle. He went to his mother and snuffled at her. She ruffled his hair, and turned away so she could hear better in her cell phone. He went to each of his siblings, and they totally ignored him.

Then he came back and stood in front of me.

He ratcheted up the snuffle a bit. It turned into a whine. Then it became a wail.

All the people in the waiting room who had previously tuned this little cretin out started staring. I think only a couple of people actually witnessed the dart hitting-the-wall-and-dropping-under-the-table bit, and maybe they thought this little brat was mine. Or they thought I was torturing him in some way. Why didn't I take care of him and shut him up?

I looked helplessly toward his mother, who was still preoccupied with her conversation. His siblings were completely unconcerned with his existence.

So I moved the basket of pinecones and got down on my hands and knees to retrieve his toy .

And promptly ripped ass.

Not some delicate lady-like poof, but a big juicy rambling padambling phaducka.

If farts were visible, I probably would have had flames shooting 3 feet out of my butt.

I came out from under the table red-of-face, with the dart in my hand, and I noticed that the room was silent and all eyes were on me. Even the kid's neglectful mother had stopped yakking.

So I handed him the dart and said, "Be careful! You'll shoot your eye out, Kid!"

I wonder if the orthodontist has any openings in the 3 o'clock time-slot?


Michelle Flaherty said...

Holy crap! LMAO!

I would have smacked that kid if he stood in front of me doing that. I'm sure the same thought crossed your mind, as well.

I can't stand people who think they are above everyone else and don't have to follow the rules. It really irks me.

Chrissy said...


Really, what more is there to say.

Thanks for making me forget my migraine pain even if for only a minute.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. What a great way to start a Monday - with a big chuckle. I admire your honesty, your "chutzpah." And, hey, the waiting room crowd deserved it!

Anonymous said...

I am laughing so hard. Not at you, but with you, right? As for the kid, I would have told him "Tough time keep your dart with you."

phlegmfatale said...

OMG - that is hilarious - really, I'm laughing with you, not at you. And the "put your eye out" line was just perfect. I'm beaming with pride!

Miss Keeks said...

Oh dear! I hope you aimed it in the kids face. That's what you get for doing someone a favor!

I do share a special hatred for people who blab on the phone in public places.

Anonymous said...

You really don't have much luck at that office...buckets of snot one time....meteoric explosions the next time!!! You poor thing!!!

But thanks for brightening my day!! Truly...I could offer to take your son to his next appointment to save you the embarrassment if you'd like!!!

ditzymoi said...

omfg thats hysterical!!
you are so funny and so real and im a big fan ...snot and farts and all! lol

Anonymous said...

OMFG too funny.... you should have said to the boy.... got ya now your dead.... (after such an explosion who could live... ) LMAO >..

thanks for the laugh

Mr. Fabulous said...


I had to compose myself before I could type this.


stinkypaw said...

You are too funny! When I read "So I handed him the dart and said, "Be careful! You'll shoot your eye out, Kid!"

I thought you would have told the kid "Be careful! If you do this again, I'll fart your head off, kid!"

Too funny!

Samantha said...

Oh My God!!! I don't know what to say to that!

Anonymous said...

Hi Attila,
LOL! It was an embarrassing moment for you, but not the end of the world. At least you weren’t in a room full of friends and/or relatives. Do you think any of the cell phone junkie Moms even knows your name? Probably everyone who witnessed your “guffaw” moved on to other more pertinent matters to concern themselves with, such as whom to pester on the phone…

The next time you have to take the “Little Guy” to an orthodontist appointment, you might want to consider placing a cork in any orifice that might make you anxiously self-conscious.

carmachu said...

You sound like my daughter. She can REALLY rip one loose.....

Nice job.....

Kim Ayres said...

You should nodded to the mother and said "I'd feed him a few less beansif I were you..."

Ruth Dynamite said...

No good deed goes unpunished, I'm afraid.

Thanks for the howl. I needed that.

Anonymous said...

Oh my word, that was hilarious.

Otter said...

Good Heavens Woman! You can't be trusted in public!!! sound like one of my family.
Hmmmm....starting to wonder what else if left for the 3pm audience?

RC said...

man you might have to outsource your ortho visits to a baby-sitter or a friend or something :-)

Rootietoot said...

ooh Lordy I needed this today...

I sympathize, as my body always malfunctions in a crowd.

And in a small town no less. Does one ever rip one at Lenox Square Mall in Atlanta with thousands of strangers around? No. One does it at choir practice, or in the ortho's office with people you go to church with.

On the DVD of Love, Actually, there are deleted scenes where the boy's Christmas wish is to be be able to see other people's farts. What follows are clips of the Queen with big bubbles erupting from her backside, and of a man crop-dusting bubbles as he bicycles down the way. Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I honestly don't know when I am going to learn.

Note to self: No drinking anything while reading Atilla's posts!!!

That's it. I now have to go find something to wipe the coffee off of my keyboard. It's just one of those days I guess.

Thanks a bunch tooter tilla'!

Flawed And Disorderly said...

OH MY GOSH! YOU are soooo hilarious! I'm going to go hide under my covers now because
A. That's how embarrassed I am for you


B. Nobody will hear me laughing under there.

Brenda said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA I laughed so hard I peed on myself,,,at least I'm not in a waiting room! Lordy, Lordy, woman,,hahahahahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Okay, I just laughed so loud my husband came running into the office to see what was wrong with me! That is helarious! I think you should be able to sue that family for pain and suffering! (hee-hee) I am SO infantile! NOTHING will make me laugh harder than a little potty humor!
Also, people who don't watch their kids drives me insane! You know what they say about teachers......they are continuosly compelled to correct other people's children! I struggle to fight the urge to do this EVERYWHERE!

Anonymous said...

I googled for "bad orthodontist", only to discover the rambling padambling phaducka! I love it! That is categorically the best description of a fart I've ever encountered in this lifetime. THANK YOU - for giving my spirits such a much needed lift whilst I've been stressing so much over disrespectful orthodontist ever since this weekend.