Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I Guess I'll Go Eat Worms

Since I already stuck my toe in the grossology pond with boogers yesterday, I thought I'd risk one more little foray before backing out of the topic completely (at least for the time being).

So again, a warning. If you're easily grossed-out, run away. Run far, far away. No mercy if you stick around.

My family loves Harry Potter. Yes, I know that puts us in the "Sheeple" category, but we just don't care.

Who wouldn't find a mystical world--where some of life's problems could be solved by a potion or a wave of a magic wand, appealing---at least in fantasy?

If that makes us Satan's Spawn, then so be it.

A couple of years ago during the holidays, my nephew was visiting, and I bought all the guys Bertie Bott's Flavor Beans from a big display at the grocery store.

For the Muggles who must live in caves and aren't up on Potter-lore--in the books and movies--Bott's Flavor Beans are jelly beans that come in surprise flavors. They range from the sublime (Toasted Marshmallow) to the grotesque (Vomit).

Jelly Belly, the company that reportedly was the favorite jelly bean brand of former President Ronald Reagan, got the contract to produce Bertie Bott's Flavor Beans in the US.

Ok, call me naive, but I thought that the gross flavors would really be like lime flavor masquerading as "spinach", or licorice disguised as "black pepper". I know I was brought up in the era of "Slime" and "Garbage Pail Kids" trading cards, but those weren't actually items that were meant to be consumed.

Slap me upside the head with a cluestick for being such a dumbass.

The flavor guide doesn't actually encompass all of the available flavors. There are more, such as earthworm, rotten egg, soap, spaghetti and bacon.

A jelly bean with the essence of smoked pork. Oh joy.

So, silly Moi, I ate a vomit-flavored bean.

Yes. It tasted like a tiny, chewy nugget of barf.

Not your "I had one too many tequila shots with lime and salt" kind of hurl, but more like your garden variety "I was just minding my own business, had a bit of fettucine, and some inconsiderate ass who was hoarding his sick days came to work ill and infected me with the stomach flu and I projectile vomited for 24 hours" kind of ralphage.

I even tried a soap-flavored one, which brought back childhood memories of getting my mouth washed out when I dropped the f-bomb. Blech.

I didn't have the guts to try anything else.

And neither did my guys. Wussies, every single one of them.

So, as a Bertie Bott's veteran, what I want to know is:

How in the HELL do they know what ear wax and dirt is supposed to taste like, and who in the HELL do they get to do the taste testing?

I'm serious. Are there professional taste-testers for this kind of thing?

"I don't know about you Chuck, but I think these vomit beans could do with another flavorful squirt of stomach acid!"

What about earthworms? Is some guy
(because I doubt a woman would ever be stupid enough to take this job, sex discrimination bedamned!) comparing a plate of the real thing against the product?

"Gee, this earthworm-flavored bean just doesn't have the same smoky, piquant and mulchy taste as these squirmy little guys right here!"

And now we've come full circle--back to boogers.

Since mucus--and boogers--are products of our bodies, wouldn't they (in theory) be affected by our personal environments and what we eat?

You know what I mean. If you eat garlic, your breath secretes a garlic odor. If you eat burritos or cabbage, the rambling pandambling phaduckas that fly out of your butt have your own special joie de vivre.

To me, the logical conclusion would probably be that the Bott's booger bean taste tester is prolly working off his own samples.

At least I would sincerely hope so.

"Mmm, yeah, that tastes right!"

So in effect, those who dare to eat Bertie Bott's Booger Flavor Beans are probably partaking in a taste of someone else's snot.

Don't get mad at me. I'm just taking this to its ugly, inevitable and obvious conclusion.

I think I'm going to fast for a week.

Want to join me?


Charlie said...

For the second day in a row, consider me speechless.

You should be a HUGE hit with the "Captain Underpants" crowd--to hell with Harold Porter, or whatever his name is. There's a new girl in town.

Meg said...

Have you read that grossology book? You should totally read it. It's right up your alley.

I've always wondered about those nasty jelly beans.One of my friends was trying to get me to try one. I refrained because of what they were supposed to taste like, but didn't really think they would actually taste like vomit and such. One question: why? Are those jelly bean inventors that hard up for something to do? Sheesh!

Attila the Mom said...

Meg: Yes! My kids got that grossology book years ago! I went looking for it the other day, but alas, it has gone to the great unknown. And no, it wasn't up my alley. It was gross.

My guess is that the Jelly Bean guys were trying to stay true to the essence of Harry Potter or whatever. Never ever ever will I try another one.

Kippa Herring said...

You should be forced to subsist on a diet of melokhia for a year.

Anonymous said...

Those Harry Potter beans amaze me. They taste just like what they claim.

Great blog title, BTW. How true, how true.

Phil said...

Hi Attila- Your blogger ID itself deserves a comment everytime I see it. I too enjoyed Bertie Botts. I ate a dirt flavored one that tasted exactly like dirt. It was horrible. So was the black pepper jelly bean. I believe you are correct in your assumption that only men would taste test these beans. We never grow up.

dom said...

"How in the HELL do they know what ear wax and dirt is supposed to taste like, and who in the HELL do they get to do the taste testing?"

They must have a team of lil boys :)
I love Harry Potter Books and films,ashame the last book had such a lame ending !

St Jude said...

Anyone who eats sushi should feel right at home eating bogie flavoured jelly beans. Yummy.

Rhonda said...

Your recent entries are doing wonders for my diet.

I'll never look at a jelly bean the same again.

Christine Parizo said...

I once accidentally served those to my husband's grandmother. "Oh, thank you, I love jelly beans!" was followed by a hearty spitting into a napkin and a look of death. Whoops.

Special K said...


By the way...what was your favourite cheapass vacuum? My 1000-year old Filter Queen is gasping her last, emphysimatic breaths, and I need a replacement. What do you suggest? (Keep in mind, I'm po'.)

Attila the Mom said...

Hoover Runabout is my number 1 fave. I bought two of them from Kmart online a couple of years ago for 59 bucks a pop. One of them predictably hit the scrap heap (taken out by a lamp cord) last year, but the other is going strong with 3 guys and 3 dogs.

They have a new bagless version that I haven't tried, but if you look around, it's pretty reasonable. between 70 and 99 bucks.

I liked this one too. It's a steal at 56.99 + shipping if you buy it by Friday:


Unknown said...

You know I thought i was the only mom in the world who actually bought and tasted these things! My boys think it is hilarious to give them to unsuspecting relatives! The dirt ones aren't so bad, but earwax and vomit are errr.. hurlers extraodinaire! I love your blog! Keep at it~

poppedculture said...

They actually made those? I must find some and hide them during the Easter egg hunt! They must have a group of little boys doing the favour testing - reminds me of a kid I used to know who would eat anything for a quarter.

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Anonymous said...

I love the black pepper jelly beans. I've been trying to find a store that would sell them in bulk, but have been unsuccessful. Anyone know where you can buy them other than in the Harry Potter - Berties assorted box.