Random Aiigghhh!

I used to think that eyeballs were the creepiest thing in the world.

Now after my foray into heavy-duty diuretics and the world of public restrooms, I've changed my mind.

It's a toilet seat that's been warmed up by someone else's bare butt. Aiighhh!
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I've been putting together a rotating chore schedule for when THD gets here (Little Guy is thrilled that someone else will get to take a turn emptying the dishwasher) and it occurred to me that this "citizen of the household" thing is kind of stupid. The theory behind it is that since we all contribute to the mess in communal areas (we all eat, track in dirt, generate garbage, etc) as opposed to personal messes (the only one who cleans Hubby's bathroom is Hubby), we all take turns cleaning it up as "citizens of the household".

This is something we've done as soon as the guys were big enough to empty a bathroom-sized trashcan, so it's nothing new. I've never been June Cleaver---following my family around with a Hoover.

I realized that all the guys (even Hubby) expect effusive thanks and praise when they've taken their turn, as if they're doing me a huge favor. Has anybody ever said, "Thanks Hon for doing a nice job on the dishes"? No. But if I'm not there with the "atta boys" I get treated to pouts and pointed silence.

You've come a long way, Baby! Not! What have I done? Aiighhhh!
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A few weeks ago I reached under my pillow to pull out the end of my nose hose (I tuck it in there to keep it from falling on the floor) while I was getting ready for bed. My hand closed around something crackly and I pulled out a ginormous squirming spider.

Now I have to tear the entire bed apart every single night before I get into it. Aigggggghhh!

Got Aiiggghhhh!!!? Love to hear it!

More Things That Make Me Go Aiiigghhhh!!!

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about things that make me go "aiiigghh", and thought I got it out of my system.

Apparently not. Lately there have been quite a few items I've read that give me the huzz. I've been walking around in a state of constant huzzness.

The first is people who swallow parasitic worms in order to lose weight. I read an article about it, then someone sent me an email with old ads and there was one in there. What the heck? How could anyone be so desperate as to voluntarily introduce a batch of worms that can grow up to 15 inches in your intestines (or pancreas, or lungs)?

I remember a friend whose cat had a bad case of worms. Every time she lifted her tail, you could see them playing peek-a-boo from her anus. They'd pop out and wave "hi" for a second and then pop back in. It took a long LONG time for me to visit my friend's house after that.

Good Lord, my butt is itching just thinking about it. 'Scuse me for a minute.

The second has to do with eyeballs again. I found the commercial that scares the crap out of me on YouTube. They've been playing it a lot lately.




Anyway, I was reading an article about a fisherman in Britain who hooked a deadly giant snakehead fish which is not indigenous to the continent, because they're usually found in Asia. Apparently they eat just about anything (including people), can hop around a bit on land, and live for up to 4 days out of the water. I suppose any "normal" person would say, "Holy Crap, look at those teeth!" when they look at the picture.

Not me. My first words were, "OMFG, look at those EYEBALLS! AAAAAAAIIIGGHHHHHH!!"

This last one is one of those ideas that look good on paper, but freak me out in a "what could go wrong" kind of way. Remember when I wrote about the scientists who grew a replacement penis on some guy's arm?

Scientists in Australia are developing a radio-controlled vasectomy, which involves silicone implants that expand to block the flow of sperm. I guess in theory, it seems like a workable idea, because there really ARE no long-term birth control devices for men.

On the other hand, I have visions of it getting WAY out of control. What if some car manufacturer accidentally programs their remote car key chains to the same frequency? Some poor doof in the Home Depot parking lot could be trying to open the trunk of his Hummer to load it with fertilizer and inadvertently set the weasels jumping in the trousers of half the men in a 3-block radius.

Or what about at the beach? Some kid with a remote-control lil' dune buggy could start a riot. Creepy men who wear speedos is bad enough. Creepy men wearing undulating speedos is enough to make the wimmins race like lemmings into the surf face first to drown themselves. Or make them bleed from the eyeballs.

Ew. Eyeballs.

Gonna go scrub my brain now before it explodes.

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I got my rantipants on about bad parenting over on Disaboom if you feel like stopping by...

Things That Make You Go AIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Do any of you have a list of things that literally give you nightmares? Not just "ewww" stuff, but things that make you wake up in a cold sweat with a scream stuck in your throat?

Big Kid's list used to just include 2 things---the water pipes in the basement and clowns. He'd wake me up in the middle of the night, "Them pipes is chasing me!". Poor kid.

Maybe it's because I'm more neurotic (I prefer to think it's because I've had more years on the planet), but my list is quite a bit longer.

Eyeballs (that new commercial where the guy gets his car stolen and there's a wall of eyeballs looking at him made me want to poke my own out)

I think that movie they made all the kids watch in the 6th grade here in Colorado where the Eskimo guy cuts out a big-ass caribou eyeball and hands it to his tyke to take a bite out of is responsible for a great deal of eyeball phobia in the Rocky Mountains. I never quite got the vomit stink out of my suede tennis shoes either (courtesy of the kid sitting in front of me).

Spider toes Like the ones attached to my husband's feet.

Dogs licking me Back in junior high, I used to go to my best friend's house after school. Her mother (who would probably be called a MILF today), used to lay out on the back porch in her bikini to soak up the rays. We'd go out and chat with her and tell her about our day.

She'd cover herself in almond oil (this was pre-skin-cancer warning days) and let her five---YES FIVE!---dogs lick it off her. One for each limb, and one on the belly. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Skeeved the heck out of me. I STILL have nightmares about it from time to time.

Loogies Self-explanatory.

And the list goes on.....

I was catching up on my reading and ran into a few more things I think I can safely add to my list of things I'll probably have nightmares about:

Toofies in my foo foo.

Remember that old bad joke about the mother who wanted her son to stay pure and told him that girls had teeth in their girly parts? Well some guy has made a movie about a teenage girl with that very same condition, called Teeth.

I KNOW I'm going to start having nightmares about this without ever watching it. What if I wake up with toofies? What do I do about dental hygiene? Crotch cavities? What if they were crooked? Would I have to find an orthocologist? Gives new meaning to the term "butt floss". AAIIGHHHH!!!
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Sometimes I dream about people breaking into the house and having to find some place to hide. Recently, a young woman in West Jordan, Utah hid in her closet when three intruders broke in and tried to burgle the place. Luckily, she had her phone and was able to call 911.

The burglars even opened the closet and rummaged through it, but by some stroke of luck didn't see her. Then they heard the sirens and the police at the door.

One of the burglars ACTUALLY GOT IN THE CLOSET WITH HER to hide, not knowing she was there.

"He was just standing right next to me. I could have put my arms around him." Aiiighhhh!!!

The young woman waited until the police were in the room before screaming, "He's in here!"

The burglar was so startled that he crapped himself and ruined her best pair of shoes.

Well no, not really, but that's the part I'd probably have a nightmare about. Trying to replace my nice shoes.
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Big Kid has been feeling pretty lonely. He has a hard time meeting girls, and when he does, he doesn't know whether to run, sh*t or go blind.

So he's done some stupid stuff, like signing up for the trial period of dating sites and using the debit card to an account that probably has $25.00 in it. Then he forgets to cancel before the trial period and the card gets billed $59.99, prompting letters from the bank and nasty emails from the dating sites. And a kick in the pants with a bunny slipper, because I have to go down to the bank and cover the shortage.

But when a friend sent me this site, I realized that yes, it could be worse. He could find one of these "hotties" and give me nightmares forever. AAAIIGHHHHH!!

What's on your scary list?