Saturday, October 31, 2009

Day 8

Thanks again, my friends, for all of your well-wishes.

No change today. Stable is good. He’s still maintaining an oxygen level of 88-93 at 55%. At one point he started losing his stats because a bunch of gunk from his lungs clogged up the tubes. But they were able to suction it up right away.

They’re hoping that it’s all beginning to break up and he’ll be able to start coughing it out.

Litzi’s comment about waiting is true. Or as Tom Petty sang, “The Waiting is the Hardest Part.”

Every minute is an eon, and if Big Kid survives, it’s going to be a long road to recovery.

They say that patience is a virtue, please God help me be a virtuous woman.

The RT specialist who came with the new respirator told us he usually works with sick babies. I told him he was in the right place, because my baby is very sick.

The phone has become my frenemy, like it’s a live thing. I need it to keep in touch with the hospital, but every time it rings, I fear it’s them and that the news is worse. Sometimes I’m so afraid to call and check in that I make my husband do it. I go in the bathroom and run the water so I don’t have to hear the conversation. Then he taps on the door and tells me the update and I cry on his shoulder for being such a coward.

My mom tells me I have to distract myself or I will drive myself insane while we wait. I can’t focus on TV. Medical dramas make me flee the room. Police shows have dead people. The news makes me want to scream, why isn’t my son the headline? I know that’s an inane thought, but if he dies it will be the end of my world as I know it. But we are just little people in a big world, and the world goes on with or without us.

So I read. The first book started out ok, until one of the characters starts getting sick from an undiagnosed infection. Away with that. The next book has kidnapped children. No.

I end up digging out the entire Little House on the Prairie series and reread them again back to back at the hospital. They were childhood favorites where Ma and Pa always took care of their girls and nothing truly evil ever happens.

I never recognized what a selfish sonofabitch Pa Ingalls was until this reading of The Long Winter, though. Not once, but twice he goes down to the Wilder boys feed store and gorges himself on pancakes and bacon with lots of maple syrup. Meanwhile his wife and 4 daughters are down the street, huddled around a stove, grinding kernels of wheat in a hand-held coffee grinder to make enough flour to bake a lousy loaf of bread. What, he couldn’t deny himself a couple of pieces of bacon so they could each have a bite after months of no meat?

Yeah, I distract myself with idle stuff like that.

I want to touch my boy without the gloves. I want to feel his skin. I want him to feel me brush back his hair with my very own hand and not latex. I want to put him back in my womb where he can live without air and I can cradle him with my love and keep him safe. Please, I beg, please let me touch him. Only if you wash your hands before and after, I’m told. I scrub hard, to wash away every last germ.

His feet are so cold. I remember when I could hold them in the palms of my hands and count his perfect little toes. His feet are much bigger now, and not as brand new, but just as dear to me. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone.

I place my hands on his chest. Heal, I command his lungs. Heal, damn you. Once my hands could soothe away any booboo, and I want that power again. But I’m afraid this booboo is too big.

So I hold his face in my hands. I sing our special song and whisper in his ear, “Don’t leave. Don’t leave.”


Clippy Mat said...

what an ordeal. it must be really hard to be in your situation and have that worry.
it does sound like he's getting great care tho', and lots of positive vibes are being sent his way, and yours.
stay strong.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You are all in my thoughts.
Sending you all hugs and love,

Charlie said...

It's such a relief to get your updates, Mom--we think constantly of your little big guy. Martha's been calling from work, asking me if I've heard anything.

From my lung experiences, the crucial part now is getting the gunk out--and the docs are doing that with a vacuum. His care has been truly outstanding.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Stable is good Attila. Prays are coming your way from near and far. I hope they help clear Big Kid's lungs and warm his feet. And I hope they help lighten your heart a bit. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you but you are doing an amazing job of keeping it together.

I wish I was there to talk and distract you-- I tap dance, you know, and that is definitely distracting :-)

Sending love and hugs and more prayers. And, a million thanks for the updates.


Willoughby said...

I don't know if it will make you feel any better at all, but I can tell you that I went through all the same feelings when my daughter was in the NICU. We worked out a routine where we would call my mom with a daily update and she would send word to everyone else. It kept the phone calls to a minimum because every time the phone rang, we went into panic mode.

I also made my husband make the call to the hospital every few hours for updates. The one time I made the call, the news wasn't good so from then on, I felt it was bad luck for me to call. I became incredibly superstitious about everything. When I sheepishly admitted that to one of the nurses, she told me it was pretty common. I think it gives us a feeling of control when everything else in our world is in a state of chaos.

I'll keep sending hugs, prayers and well wishes your way.

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Unfortunately, distracting yourself from this dreadful situation is impossible, as you’re discovering. You have to search for the inner strength to muddle through the days and attempt to pass your positive energy on to Big Kid so he can stabilize.

In adversity, it’s astounding the stamina we can draw upon to get us through the roughest of times.

The candles continue to burn for your son’s recovery. (((hugs)))

Tracie Nall said...

You and your boy are heavy on my heart. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying.

Anonymous said...

This is so hard. So hard. He's holding on. That is great. I'll be praying he continues to hold on and starts to turn the corner.

Amy said...

My heart is breaking for you and is hopeful for Big Kid. You're in my prayers.

LB @Wait, She Said What? said...

Your posts break my heart but yet warm it a little because I can feel the love you have for your son.

You do still have that 'magic touch' though, at least for him. He can feel you and tell you're near him and that will give him something to fight for.

You still have my prayers!

St Jude said...

I understand what you are saying abut the phone, I had a similar experience with my daughter a few years ago. You know you need the phone but you just want to unplug it so that it can't ring.

Tiny steps... he's getting there! Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Honey, I just read about this. I'm so very, very sorry. This is sad, it makes me want to cry. I wish I lived closer to you, so I could so something to help. Just being there. I'm giving you a huge, mother to mother cyber hug right now and will keep big kid in my prayers, and the rest of your family too. Just remember, he is in the best place he can be right now, as far as getting well. Trust the doctors, and we'll keep the prayers and love coming.

Anonymous said...

P.S. I love you. I have not been blogging, and I just can't believe I missed this. Keep up the hope. He is a tough kid and your mantra is perfect. Keep repeating it. Just keep believing in him and in the power of prayer.

Formerly known as Frau said...

Prayers and thoughts continue I hope Day 9 is so much better. Sorry!

Sam said...

my babies spent 2 months in the INCU when they were born - they went through the oxygen battle too - your words bring it all back to me. I pray your son will heal and turn out as fine as can be. ((((HUGS))))

Sam said...

my babies spent 2 months in the INCU when they were born - they went through the oxygen battle too - your words bring it all back to me. I pray your son will heal and turn out as fine as can be. ((((HUGS))))

yorksnbeans said...

I know what you mean about the telephone when someone dear is gravely ill. The heart skips a beat each time it rings. May all future rings only bring good news!!

Boozy Tooth said...

You know what's weird? I don't even know you and yet I am weeping deeply for you and Big Kid. My heart understands the torture you are enduring and feels compassion for your pain and fear. And in my mind, I have joined hands with you and am in your circle. I don't know your face or how old you are. I don't know what you do or where you live specifically. I don't know if we would agree on politics, or if we would agree on religion, or if we would even enjoy spending time together if we were neighbors. But what I do know is that right now I am your sister and you are my sister and we are praying for Big Kid and lifting him up and lifting up hope and we are unified in a common purpose - to get Big Kid well.

And there are so many me's out here, feeling the same feelings and doing the same things. We may never meet face to face, but the power of our prayer and positive energy is joining together like a giant missile going straight to our Heavenly Father where it will do the most good.

Even though you don't see me, us... we're here. And you can count on us for as long as you need us.

Lori said...

My heart just breaks for you. I am still praying for healing for your son and peace to surround all of you as you wait for his healing to be complete. Blessings and hugs to you. XXOO Lori

Unknown said...

The closing prayer from The Divine Mercy:

"Eternal Father, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase your measure of mercy in us that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondant, but with great confidence, submit ourselves to Thy Holy Will which is love and mercy itself."

Dear God, I offer this prayer up for Big Kid for a full and complete recovery. May the Divine and Glorious Physician Himself, our dear Lord, your Son, lay His hands upon him and upon all the health care workers diligently working to save his life. I also ask that you provide the comfort Attila and her family needs to get through each and every moment during this difficult and trying time. Amen

I'm off to Mass now: your intentions will be my intentions. God bless you all and know that I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.

Thank you Willoughby for sending me this link.

Miss Yvonne said...

Found your blog through Joanna Jenkins....just wanted to say I'm praying and sending good thoughts your way.

AmyK said...

I had taken a break from my blog, but found your story through The Fifty Factor, so I have been with you since Day 4. I am joining all of the hearts of these Mothers to hold their hands and yours through this heart wrenching journey. I am praying for baby steps back to health for Big Kid. There is hope and there is love from all of us Mothers to all of you.

Feisty Crone said...

You, your son, and your whole family are in my prayers.

Jeanie said...

I feel what Alix said above. There are so many joining hands in support of you and hoping for comfort for you and only the best outcome. I will say again what I have said before...take care of yourself so you can take care on him.

Amy said...

I have no children of my own, I dream of them often but God has not yet seen fit to lend them to me. I work with children, deaf, hard of hearing and special needs. I have watched one of these children, and never has there been one closer to my heart, he gave me my sign name, he always seemed to need to touch me when he was playing, he couldn't see from the side of his eyes.

I watched him become sick, sick from something common to his condition. Common should never happen to anyone, least of all those who are truly uncommon. I cried my eyes out, I begged, pleaded and bargained with God to save this boy. I never accepted any alternative than that he would get better.

And then I did. I faced that yes, something could happen, it would break many many hearts, and yet, this child whom we all loved would be whole. No g-tube, he would see the clouds and hear the birds in a place where he would be able to explain everying that was in his amazing little mind. I threw myself to God. I said, you know best lord, you know how to care for him. I trust you.

And I cried, for a very long time. But I no longer feared the news that would come, I no longer paced the halls when the doctors came with progress reports. I was still terrified that we would loose him, but I knew, should God call him home he would be at peace.

I would say throw yourself to God, acknowledge what could happen and pray for what will.

And check out the Red Tent it's an amazingly good book that will suck you into it and keep you busy!! :)

Praying for you and yours,

Amy said...

I had not read the comments of others until after I made my post, I suggest you also throw yourself onto the soft welcoming cushion of support and friendship always waiting for you here. Alex was and is soo right in what she said and I agree with her.

We are after all, all his children


stinkypaw said...

Thinking of you daily.

Jennifer Jayhawk said...

I have not checked your blog in a while. Holy Cow! I am just stunned. I cannot believe Big Guy became so sick so quickly. This is just awful.
I will pray for your whole family.

Beth said...

I’ve been away so read the last update first and it’s very encouraging.
The healing power of touch is a miracle – keep touching your baby as often as they’ll let you. And if you’ve reverted to childhood books as a distraction (excellent idea) re-read the Narnia series.
Still thinking & praying for you all. Of course.

Kim said...

I don't even have the words. When I read this it's like someone's squeezing my heart in their fist. Saying that I hope everything turns out okay seems so inadequate, but I had to say something. Sending love your way.

Anonymous said...

Been thinking about you all day. Holding you close to my heart. My heart is just breaking for you and your family. Waiting is so hard, I wish he would turn that corner, and start his recovery.
Let me know if you need anything.

Rootietoot said...

I've been gone, so haven't been keeping up until now, however,you've been in my prayers every day and will continue to be. I truly can't imagine the mess you're going through, and I wish I could carry some of it for you.

I said it before, he is strong. Y'all will get through this. A long recovery, yes, but a recovery.

God be with you all.

Debbie said...

Life's problems seem so small compared to what you are facing now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Big Kid. I know he feels your love and that is giving him strength. When I gave birth to a sick baby, the nurse brought me from my room and made sure that I had plenty of loving and touching time with my daughter. She told me that science and medicine could only do so much...but a mother's love could do wonders. And you know what? Between that and prayers from others....she was right!

Hilary said...

Hugs to you. You and your boy remain in my best thoughts.

Joanie said...

Please God, let this young man get well, and soon.