Friday, March 21, 2008

Rambling and Padambling...

A couple of years ago, I confessed that I'm one of those people who are gassy and sometimes inadvertently rips ass at the most inconvenient times. I have difficulty burping, and I guess the gas has to go somewhere, which is usually south. ;-)

Anyhoo, after the first of the year, I stuck ALL of us on Weight Watchers points plan. It wasn't really a New Year's resolution, but sort of a plan to make us all lose some pounds and get healthier.
The Big Kid and Little Guy don't follow it if they're out of the house, but there is no longer ANY processed junk here to snack on. I got one of those "choppers" that cut veggies into little itty bitty chunks and have been slowly replacing meat in low-fat sauces with vegetables, etc (you can hide them better that way).

I've lost 17 pounds since the first of the year (which has hardly made a dent, IMO), Hubby has lost a bunch, and Little Guy has lost a few. It's hard to tell with Big Kid, through all the layers of clothes he wears (his new thing is not to change his dirty clothes, but add a layer of clean on top of the dirty, which is an entirely different story for another day).

Oddly enough, while all the extra fiber in our diet has increased the number of ducks my guys are stepping on, my own barking spiders have inexplicably gone silent. Now I'M usually the one who gets spot-welded in the middle of the night. The dogs aren't afraid of me any more. For the first time, they come running to ME when somebody is blaming them for being the poofter or putting a hurt on their noses.

Except when I'm in the grocery store.

For some reason (maybe YOU guys can help me figure this out), the last 3 times while I was in our local store, my lower abdomen started churning and I had a sudden, painful, and urgent need to cut the cheese. Seriously! I don't think it's like extra walking or anything, because I've been out walking every time the sun is shining.

The first time it hit me, I squinched up my butt cheeks and made it five steps to the organic corner of the produce section (I was across the store from the bathroom and there was nobody around) and totally let fly before scurrying away.

I figured that if anything wilted, it could be blamed on the lack of preservatives or pesticides or veggie genetic engineering. Who knows---the last 3 out of 4 times I've bought organic veggies in a bag, I've found some kind of larvae in there noshing away. The best scenario would be that my natural gas suffocated them so the next person didn't get a live and wiggling surprise.

At least that's what I tell myself. ;-)

During the second visit to the store, the guys and I were standing in front of the Lean Pockets in the freezer section (which was fairly crowded with shoppers), and I was telling Big Kid---"the difference between Hot Pockets and Lean Pockets is the fat content, and no, I'm not going to buy any Hot Pockets, so if you avoid the nasty multi-grain ones, you're not going to find much of a difference in the taste. Pick one that you might eat already or not".

I'd just spent the last 15 minutes fending off loud and public whines from this 21-year-old who doesn't HAVE A JOB or contribute any way to the household, that ran along the lines of, "Why won't you buy me chocolate milk? I have a RIGHT to have chocolate milk if I want it! Why do YOU have to be so cheap?" or "Why can't you buy GOOD stuff like Fried Mozzarella Sticks?" or "You don't expect ME to eat GENERIC BRAND mandarin oranges/oatmeal/kidney beans/whatever do you? I'm not going to eat diet or generic crap! And why are you so CHEAP?" arrggghh

So we're standing in front of the Lean Pockets, he's still bitching and moaning, and I had sudden and massive cramps. The bathrooms were just up at the end of the aisle and over 1.

I took a step in the right direction, but that little solitary step unleashed the butt monkeys from hell. At that point, I figured that trying to rein them in would be futile and just let them run rampant. Prolly hit the Richter scale at about 7 out of 10. In noise, at least.

On to Plan B.

I turned to Big Kid in the middle of his "I'm not going to eat diet food, and why was I so damn cheap" rant and said loudly, "For God's sakes, if you have to fart that bad, can't you at least go outside? What in the heck is wrong with you?"

So while everybody in the freezer section was giving Big Kid the hairy eyeball I took the cart, and Little Guy and I ran like hell (with disgusted looks on our faces).

The 3rd time was just Little Guy and me. Big Kid was too embarrassed to show his face at our store after "his"--ahem--21-bun-salute. Luckily, when the cramps hit me, I was 10 feet from the bathroom. So I left Little Guy with the cart, locked myself in there and farted myself silly. Came out (no fan in there, so I left the door open to air it out) and got hit with another wave of cramps. Went back in and did it again.

Came out, and there was a lady waiting to use the facilities. Boy did I feel bad. Apologized to her in advance.
Since then, I'm sort of afraid to go back. I've been having Hubby drop by and pick stuff up. Is it some sort of psychological trained response like Pavlov's Dog? Any ideas?


Casdok said...

I recently did a post on global warming and gas emissions!

Anonymous said...

I don't have any ideas, but that put a smile back on my face - thank you! :)

JessTrev said...

congrats on the 17 and, um lmao (pun intended)! definitely a pavlovian reaction. obviously you need to have a personal chef who not only shops and cooks for you but presoaks your beans so you can digest the fiber better (smile).

Minnesota Matron said...

Too funny. Yesterday, the Matron ate cauliflower and coleslaw for lunch and later, she was the one hunching over in pain at the grocery store. Not a pretty sight.

Congrats on that weight loss!

Fiery said...

Laughed until tears ran down my face, and I needed that!!!!! Thank you!!!!

Every time I eat at Pizza Ranch I have to take a shit. I hate pooing away from home!!!!!

Every time the Kids' Dad goes to Barnes & Noble, he has to take a dump at least once. Sometimes twice.

Might be onto something with the Pavlov's dog thing, but what triggers it? No idea.

Congrats on the weight loss. 17 is 17 and every bit off helps. Bet at least some pants are fitting looser if nothing else.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

This is so refreshing to see that I'm not the only farting human on the planet. Reading your site is theraputic for me so I have to thank you. When I eat veggies I have to take Beano. Love the stuff! I should buy stock in it! You're not alone, just so you know!
Congrats on your weight loss!

Rootietoot said...

I have to pass gas everytime I go into Lowes. Fortunately I can drop a wrench or bang on a grill to hide the noise.

Grim Reality Girl said...

I laughed so hard reading this... I think we all relate. I love to blame Hubby for my issues -- I'm glad I'm not alone in my evil! You are my HERO!

Ruth Dynamite said...

You're killing me with all these fart euphemisms.

Rip on, Attila.

Joe said...

If your hubby gets an attack in bed, hotbox him. That's when you pull the covers over his head and hold them so he can "enjoy" his eminations. I'll admit to hotboxing my wife once or twice. Its a wonder she's still married to me.

phlegmfatale said...

I would have vented that infernal gas in the direction of the whining kid. You're a kind soul.

Anonymous said...


only you, ATM, only you!
Happy Easter!

Anonymous said...

I have experienced the same last the church... I think because it was in the morning and it was a little bit cold and ... I don't know. But I can tell you something: you cannot cover the sound while sitting on those old wooden chairs in a church! The acoustic is brill! I wanted to disappear!
Congratulations for the weight lost! I'm so proud of you! Happy Easter! xoxo

Anonymous said...

Dang you are so funny! I'm still grinning. All that fiber does make a gal, well, flatulent. Well done to blame it on the overgrown child. And congrats on 17 pounds! Wow! That's pretty substantial.
I have no advice, except to buy a thing of Beano.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh out loud - I forgot how many ways we've come up with to say "fart."

I don't know you've managed to escape the high-fiber curse. Kashi Go_lan Crunch gets me every time...

Anonymous said...

I understand completely, I eat so much high fiber foods, like Kashi and 100% bran, the only thing that works is beano. Only I honestly don't bother that much. I just drink my water and ummmm, choose my .......places carefully, if I can. Good luck. Think how healthy it is.

Happy Easter by the way!!!

tomshideaway said...

I think it's the veggies, they are evil!!

Angela said...

Gas a confession - I sometimes like to smell mine.
My husbands gas - I go running

Michelle Flaherty said...

Obviously, whatever it is you're eating is causing the gas. So it's great that you're losing weight but it's something in your diet that's causing you to toot.

I say just let 'em rip whenever you have the urge. Gas is a natural thing! When babies do it people laugh, so we should be able to do it too!

stinkypaw said...

All I have to say is that it's not good to refrain farts (not that you really do, anyway), because that gives ou bad breath!

I have a similar issue and I think it's related to the fact that I don't want to be at the grocery store, so my gutt kicks in... just a theory.

Hope things get better on the family front & remember that summer months are coming!

Liesl said...

I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face! And I have to share:

Not long after Mr. Fancy Pants and I got together we were out to dinner at a crowded restaurant sitting in a booth with vinyl seats. We sitting there talking away, drinking our tea when I decided to lift my leg off of the seat and fart rather loudly. For a stunned moment we both sat there thinking, I can't believe she/I just did that! After about the time it took me to think that I yelled, HONEY!

Works every time.

Liesl said...

Oh, one more thing: I swear on all holy things that Target makes me poop. Every time.

Jennifer S said...

So the house is quiet, and the kids are asleep, and now I'm wheezing with laughter, and tears are running down my face. My god, that was funny.

Anonymous said...

Oh, this post is hilarious! When I started dating my honey, I managed to hold in the gas, both ends, then about a year in, I let rip once (at home) and the two of us just about fell over laughing. After that, I let rip whenever and he seriously wanted to know how I didn't self-inflate in the first year and just float away! Then, GERD diagnosis, taking anti-acid pills, and lo and behold, no more gas, or at least not in the proportions of yore! One time, I bent over in B&N and a very large one popped out, I about died! and my honey said (bless him) "excuse me", I was laughing so hard I had to leave the store. Now, whenever one sneaks out in public, he always takes the blame.


Brenda said...

No ideas but I've had my laugh for the day. Most Excellent!!!

Jana B said...

I always have to fart at work. Constantly. Twice today I've let one as I passed through an office... so far I haven't been caught! *happy clap*

Big Kid SOOOOOOOOOO deeply deserved that!!! lol

Gale said...

Oh my I am still laughing. Serves the whiner right for trying to put the guilt trip on you. As for your gassy trips to the store. I think its the store, try another one and see if has the same effect. If it does, then it is the process of shopping for groceries itself - then you would need to get a doctors excuse not to go shopping and hand this off to the hubs.

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