All the Smut That's Fit to Print...

And then some!

I haven't been around for awhile because I've been working on some new projects.  I don't know if I've talked about it before, but in my real life I've been an editor for almost 20 years.  I've been fortunate enough to have built a client base that allowed me to pick and choose my own assignments so that I could work at home and raise my boys.

Now that they're grown, I decided to take on some writing projects of my own.  A couple of my clients have been very successful in a...ahem...certain genre.  One of them asked me to ghost write a few scenes when she was having medical problems and was under deadline.  I said, sure, why not?  The check she sent me made me do a double take, and she said I should think about writing more under my own banner.  

Because I'm a dirty, funny girl.  Did I mention dirty?  LOL

So for the last few months I teamed up with an old high school friend and wrote a series of books (under a pen name, of course).  The first one just came out this month.

I hope you'll wish me luck and come visit the website.

It's Cold Outside!

A Little Christmas Fun

Arseholes in Real Life

Sorry I've been away.  I had a freaking 4mm kidney stone, and then you know how life gets busy when you're not looking!

My son Little Guy and I went up to the big city to help the folks move some furniture (if they tried it themselves, they would have been laying in a pile of broken hips), and I went up north to check on some work I had done on a duplex I own up there. Early in the fall a critter had gotten up in the attic and chewed some electrical wires and insulation.

The elderly couple who live on that side have been there for about 5 years and are wonderful tenants. For some reason I thought they'd been married for a gazillion years, but they were celebrating their 8th anniversary. Little Guy and I were at loose ends that night and didn't have any dinner plans, so I invited them out to dinner. They are the neatest people, and I wanted to show them my appreciation because they are always so very nice to Little Guy and interested in what he is doing (for those who don't remember, he is my son who has autism).

Mrs. (I'm going to call them Smith) Smith's son from a previous marriage was there, and it seemed kind of churlish not to invite him along. He's about my age. All this time I thought he was "their" son, but I guess not.

Anyway, at the restaurant, Mrs. Smith's son was the biggest arsehole I think I've ever had the displeasure of dining with. He'd effing hold his hand up and SNAP his fingers at a passing waitress, and even once at the manager, who came by the table to see if we were happy, when he wanted something and bark orders at them. Ok, so I took them to the Red Lobster, which is Little Guy's favorite place, but if you've ever been there, you know how busy they can get during peak hours. Our waitress was very attentive, the service was great, the food was well, you know, Red Lobster.

At one point, somebody bumped our waitress who was taking away plates and she bumped arsehole's water glass, which tipped over. There wasn't anything but ice in it, and she apologize profusely. Arsehole laughed and said, "No problem, I'll just take it out of your tip." grrrr. I wanted to kick him in the nads under the table.

Mrs. Smith was completely oblivious to her darling's rudeness. Mr. Smith was terribly embarrassed, and we shared eyerolls over the table. I left the waitress an extra large tip and wrote "sorry about the asshole" on the bill at the end.

When we left, I waited until they got in their car safely and went back in to use the bathroom, because it was a long drive to our hotel. When I came out I saw that Mr. Smith had come back in and was talking to the waitress. Since I was the host of the dinner I went to see if everything was ok. That sweetie was giving her an extra 20 dollars and apologizing for his stepson's behavior! As we walked out together he confided that after I had left the duplex that afternoon, stepson had called his girlfriend and invited her and her kids to dinner on my dime. Mr. Smith told him that he couldn't expect me to foot the bill, so the "kid" had nixed it. The poor old guy was so embarrassed.

What a class act. Mr. Smith, I mean. But seriously, who in the hell SNAPS their fingers at a waitperson? Seriously? Do any of you know any arseholes like that?

Coming Home

Back from my visit to Virginia. Sadly the younger brother and sister "forgot" I was coming and were out of town. Oh well. I had a fantastic time with the older brother. We talked for hours and got on like a house on fire. I saw so much of my sons in him. 

 My birth mother flew down and we spent three days together, just mother and daughter. We drove all over the area chasing family history, got lost a dozen times and laughed 10 times that much. She gave me my cheekbones, my butt, my boobs, my teeth and my toes. My birth father's family gave me the height, the shoulders, the coloring and the eyes. 

 Nobody will claim the nose though. Dammit. 

 We spent a day with family on her side, who I met for the first time. An aunt, cousins and a couple of elderly friends. One lady said something that really capped off my trip. When I mentioned how I had felt compelled to go to college in Virginia although I had no family or friends there (I'm from Colorado) she said: 

 "Virginia's in your blood, Honey. You came home to us!" It brought tears to my eyes.

Thanks all for your kind wishes.  It was quite a journey.  LOL

Nerves

Back in October, I wrote about finding out that I have three biological siblings that I never knew I had. The back story is in this post Peanut Butter and Jelly. 

 I was adopted as an infant, and my bio father later went on to marry and have 3 kids, all of whom are quite a bit younger than I am. 

 Well in 3 weeks I'm travelling to Virginia to meet them for the first time. My birthmother is flying down to meet me a few days in advance and we're going to spend some time just "mother and daughter".  I'm going to get to meet cousins on her side of the family that live in the area too.

 I'm so excited, and nervous at the same time. I've been spending months trying to get ready emotionally for this journey, but the closer I get, the more butterflies I have.

When is it appropriate to throw up?

More Fun with Puppehs

So the puppies were getting into the potted plants on the deck. I put them up on other pots temporarily to give them a chance to recover before Hubby could get them into a higher and better spot (they were full of dirt and too heavy for me to lift). Then for some reason the tops of the flowers were disappearing. What the hell? We have a 5-foot fence around our back yard and these plants are on our deck which comes off the second story of the house. Was some critter getting in and out that we didn't know of? Was a bird attacking the flowers? Bugs?

A friend came over and we were sitting on the deck enjoying the afternoon. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Winston Churchill's little head bobbing up and down past her shoulder.

Case solved. Little stinker.

Trying New Things

This summer I've decided that I'm going to try new things that I've never managed to do because I was busy being a mom.  After all the exhaustive crap we've had to deal with regarding Big Kid, Hubby and I came to the conclusion that we shouldn't wait to do some of the things we wanted to do when we get an empty nest, because our nest is never going to be empty.

 

My doctor and Big Kid's doctor both told me that I have to "let him go".  Not "cut him out of my life" letting him go, but "get on with living my life because he is 27 and I can't make him follow his treatment plan".  As my doctor pointed out, I've been blessed with a lot of miracles in the last years---I survived heart failure without any heart damage, Big Kid survived the swine flu, and I don't seem to have any permanent nerve damage in my legs from my undiagnosed diabetes.  How many more miracles can I expect to get?  Instead of stressing out and killing myself over worry, I need to live and enjoy life as best I can.

 

Sooooo....I have a list of things I'm going to do this summer that I always wanted to do.  First I had some surgery I wanted to get done.  Now I have an ass that is tighter than it was when I was 14.  LOL

 

I also have a scar that runs across my back and am thinking of getting a tattoo (yes, really!) to kind of cover it up.  So I'm getting a henna tat that is non-permanent to see how it makes me feel.  And to see if Hubby likes it, since he is the only person who regularly sees my nekkid butt.

 

I don't want to get one of those trashy tramp stamps that scream "My daddy says I'm the best kisser in the county!", but I really really do like the Indian (not tribal or Native American but the India Indian) designs.  Something like this, but not so big.

 

The next thing I'm getting is a spray tan.  As a natural and freckly redhead I have never ever been able to tan.  Hopefully a spray tan won't make me look like an oompa loompa.  If it does, well live and learn.  LOL  It's temporary.

 

Last Saturday I got a wax for the first time.  A Brazilian wax. I took some percocet left over from my surgery and Hubby drove me because I was higher than a kite.

 

Didn't help.  If you heard screams in the distance that day, it was probably me getting hair from my hoo-ha ripped out.

 

I swear I was abused in places that no one but Hubby (and my gyno) has touched in 22 years without buying me dinner first.

 

How in the hell do women survive THAT on a regular basis? 

 

Are there any new things you want to try some time?

 

Hope you're having a great summer!

 

ATM

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

Guess who won the "first bath in the kitchen sink" war?

There were no winners.  We all got soaked.

Happy Father's Day

Just wanted to wish all you guys out there a happy happy day.

Puppehs

Every picture I've taken lately of Winston Churchill is either a blur or he looks like he has a stick up his butt.  So here is the most recent picture of Lucky (officially named "Inigo Montoya" in his papers now because he's a little fighter).  All big tough 4 pounds of him.

"You chewed my squeaky toy.  Prepare to die!"

Now if I could just get him to stop eating poo.

Ow

So I had some surgery on my hip about 10 days ago.  Everything went well and I'm off the heavy-duty drugs.  Can't drive yet, but hopefully in the next few days. Haven't been posting because I haven't been able to negotiate the stairs down to my office.  :-)

The doctors sewed in 4 drains down there that I have to pin to the inside of my jammy pants.  I think it's the closest I can imagine to having testicles.

What I want to know is....

How in the HELL do you guys manage to walk around with all that junk flopping around down there?

Puppies

Well, I haven't written a lot because I've been so busy and so sad.  4 of the 6 puppies died after 2 weeks.  They just weren't developed enough and got heart murmurs one right after another.  :-(

Remember little Baby Lucky, the one who wasn't responsive and needed doggie CPR?  I carried him around in my shirt for hours and fed him from an eyedropper because he was too weak to suck.  It is absolutely amazing that he is one that survived after the others seemed so healthy.  Here is a picture of him taking his first breath:

Here is a picture of him now.  Isn't he gorgeous?

Here is a picture of Winston Churchill.  He always looks terribly annoyed, but he is the sweetest darn puppy---his tail is always wagging.  He's bigger than Lucky, so he's a bit of a bully.  And of course, he's always the first to belly up to the buffet.

We've started weaning the boys.

 Lucky is reluctant to put his face in a bowl, which leaves more for Winston Churchill.

This picture is after Winston Churchill ate his first meal out of a bowl.  He conked out like a drunken sailor on a bender.

So while this whole experience has been a bit sad, it's also been really lovely too.

Nightmare Kitchen

Hey all-- This Friday Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsey is showing the episode they filmed in our small burg.  It's on Fox.

 The funny thing is that the Aspiring Adult has worked there every summer since he came to live with us. We talked him out of being a part of it because of his impulse-control issues. As much as we like Gordon Ramsey, we knew our kid would come out looking like a real tool.  It might make good TV, but it would be out there for the world to see forever.

 Thankfully, he listened to us and declined to participate. But Julie, the owner, asked him to come work the premier party on Friday. 

 LOL If you get a chance, watch!

I'm a Grandma!

Wow!  I was so NOT prepared to deliver puppies, but that's what ended up happening.  Maddie was so freaked out with the first one that she just pushed him (using "him" loosely, it's impossible to tell what sex they are) out and ignored him.  So I got a crash course on helping babies and placentas (yech) out of mom, stripping off the amniotic sac, cleaning, tying and cutting umbilical cords and sucking out crap from puppy mouths with a syringe.  LOL  I ended up delivering all 6, yes 6 puppies.  We had to put them on a heating pad under a towel while she delivered the other ones because she kept rolling on top of them. 

 

The last one almost didn't make it.  He wasn't breathing when he came out and I ended up giving him doggie CPR a bunch of times.  He was too little and weak to be put in with the other puppies, so I carried him around in my shirt next to my heart (or my boob, take your pick) for a couple of hours and we've been feeding him with a syringe and formula.  He's now perky and wrestling with the other pups to get the prime spot next to Mom.  She's calmed down and is taking care of them now that the messy part is over.  :-)

 

We have 5 black tri's and one red/brown one.  The littlest one, of course, is special and is probably the one I'll keep.  He has a little horseshoe on his nose.  If he survives I might just name him Lucky.  Cliche I know, but he is lucky to be alive.  There's a pic of him below.  Little guy fits in the palm of my hand.