Wednesday, July 12, 2006

From the "That Takes Some Stones" File

From time to time over the years, when the kids were playing grab-ass in the other room (usually while I was in the bathtub, up to my elbows in flour, or otherwise not immediately accessible) and I heard things (furniture, toys, books, bodies) being tossed about, I've been known to holler:

"Don't make me break my foot off in your butt!"


"Don't make me rip your arm off and beat you over the head with it!"

I admit it.

As a mom, I'm a cross between Roseanne and Lois from Malcolm in the Middle.

I'm not proud of it, especially because both boys take everything almost literally.

But at least they'd stop whatever they were doing and pause to wonder how I'd live my life without my foot.

Would I need a cane? Would I get a peg leg? Would I be a Superhero like the Bionic Woman?

I'm no hero.

So when a guy actually tears his wife's arm off in real life, I find myself stunned as a mullet.

Especially when his attorney stands in front of a judge and claims his client is "a hero"!

I'm serious! It really happened!

Stephen Humphrey and his wife Brenda were arguing in their truck after a night of drinking (nothing good can ever come from that).

Humphrey pulled over and ordered his wife to get out of the vehicle. She reached back in to get her cellphone, and he took off.

Brenda's arm got tangled in the seatbelt, and she was dragged a ways before her feet got caught under the rear tires.

Her arm was ripped right off.

Stephen Humphrey was charged with third-offense drunken driving causing serious injury and operating a vehicle with a suspended license, also causing serious injury.

His attorney insists that his client isn't a criminal. He's a hero! He stopped and took his wife to a hospital before she bled to death!

Boy, does that take some stones.

On an odd note, police weren't able to recover her arm.

Neither one remembers what road they were on, and nobody has stepped forward with the missing limb.

Also missing are her flip-flops and a Styrofoam cooler.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Hungry dogs/coyotes/wolves in an urban area?

Some wino who happened by and said, "Hey! Free arm!?"

A kid who thought it was cool and stashed it in his room until his mother investigates because it smells worse than usual?

Eek. The possibilities are endless.

And more than slightly revolting.


Kevin Charnas said...

jesus christ...why wasn't this asshole charged with attempted murder?
and the attorney should be dragged from a vehicle as well.
i don't know why i'm surprised by any of this.

Kevin Charnas said...

and i can only imagine who's going to shit their pants when they stumble across that arm.

shirley said...

Wow. :~O Now I can't be shocked when my boyfriend makes a mess and proudly says, "You're welcome!"

Kathy said...

Nothing he could do could possibly take away from the fact that he is an irresponsible drunk. I hope that the DNA evidence in his truck is used to put him away for A LONG TIME. His driving while under the influence caused very serious injuries, and could have easily resulted in one or more deaths. He is an irresponsible asshat, who should be, as Kevin very aptly pointed out, charged with attempted murder. There is nothing but contempt to be had for anyone who drives drunk. IMHO they are all guilty, regarless of whether an incident occurs or not of assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder.

In that same vein, while I sympathize with her for the loss of a limb and the impact it will have on her life... she chose to get into a vehicle driven by a drunk and she could have suffered a much worse fate. No, she doesn't deserve this injury. But, she didn't do everything possible to avoid it, that is for sure.

Sorry for hijacking your comment section for a minute Atilla. My family suffered a great loss because of the actions of a drunk, and I doubt we'll ever recover from it. I am passionate about this subject.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Wow...Just when you thought you had heard it all...

Annie Drogynous said...

Mom my kids stop all wrong-doings when I come into the room screaming like a serial killer. They're afraid of me. They'll thank me for it later, I'm sure.

No one will find that arm. The second it was torn off, some stray dog came by and snatched that baby. He happily feasted on it, I'm sure.

kim said...

*jaw drop*

Wow. I mean, wow.

That's about all I've got right now. Wow.

Miss Keeks said...

Eeew!! That's horrible. Really, really horrible. And gross.

carmachu said...

Why should he be charged with Attempted murder? He did no such thing.

Looks like an accident. Especially when drinkings been involved. Loks like the charges are about right.

Now if he left her to bleed out.....its a different story.

Sure isnt a winner there. Nor a hero...

Nikki said...

I bet somebody is using the arm to beat their kids over the head with it . . . Attila.

Nightmare said...

If I found an arm I would get it stuffed and make a lamp out of it.

But I'm weird like that.

Pendullum said...

What a story...
And Lorena Bobbitt was charged with attempted murder??? after they located the item in question...
and this guy is looked upon as a hero... for driving her to the hospiatl without an arm????
Who says justice isn't F@&*ked???

St Jude said...

It's a 'armless' tale really... sorry, sorry, sorry, but it had to be done ok ;0)

carmachu said...


Bobitt intentionally did what she did. This asshat did it accidentally.

Whether you like it or not, the laws thus far are correctly applied.

Doesnt make the bastard a good person, mind you, but the law is the law. Dont like it? Change it.

DutchBitch said...

Is it stupid of me to ask WTF they were doing anyway in the vacinity or IN their truck DRIVING after A NIGHT OF DRINKING!!!???

Mel said...

I GASPED when you got to that part of the story. Oh, muhgawd.
I am speechless. Speechless. Jeebus.

Rootietoot said...

When my kids leave their random shit laying around I say "If you don't pick this up right now I'm going to stuff it up your nose!"

As for the guy, no matter what, he has to live with himself.

Beki said...

Not a scenario I've seen in the Love Hurts cartoons!

parnellpr said...

Ok. Guy drives off KNOWING his wife has got his arm in the window and just cos he has a pang of conscience he's a HERO? WHAT THE?
Agree with Kevin C BTW

carmachu said...


Your speculating. There's nothing in the article to show, for or against, he knew that she was caught.

His abilities are impared from drinking, his reactions arent the quickest.....

Still an asshat....

Kathy said...

Car, what makes it attempted murder? He CHOSE to drive after drinking more than he should have. If she had died, he'd be charged with vehicular homicide. Why is it not attempted, because she was lucky enough to survive? 2nd reason, even if he didn't intentionally catch her, and drag her, he was in motion knowing her hand/arm was in the vehicle. The intention there was at least to hurt her, if not worse.

carmachu said...

Sorry, you failed the bar exam, kathy.

I'll state, again, for the record, he's an asshat. Thats undeniable, and indefensible.


Sorry, unlike you, the police and DA are best to judge that. You can be outraged, but unfortuantely, he CANT be charged, at this time, with attempted murder.

Please, stop with the hysterics, and use google:

"In the criminal law, attempted murder is committed when the defendant does an act that is more than merely preparatory to the commission of the crime of murder and, at the time of these acts, the person has a specific intention to kill."

There was NO attempt(at least from the given), for a specific intention to kill.

Now as to vehical homicide::

"Vehicular homicide is in most places a criminal act involving the killing of a person (human being) by hitting it with a vehicle. Sometimes the act is committed as an act of road rage and the driver of the vehicle may do a hit and run, by leaving the scene of the incident; though, it can also be an act of manslaughter."

DIdnt kill her, no ATTEMPT to kill her, and in fact when he figured out he caused harm, got her to the hospital.

No intention of harm or death, no charges of attempted murder. Pretty simple.

And again, you folks are specualting. There's nothing there in the article, for or against he meant to harm her.

Leave her on the roadside in teh middle of nowhere, sure. But your imputing more emotion and such than is actually there.

I'm surprised no driving while intoxicated charges were not filed as well.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Whoa. I just learned I have retained my ability to be shocked and horrified even after ten plus years in the news biz.


mist1 said...

Well, now I guess I know who the arm belongs to.

Me said...

Geez.,..where do these people come from?