Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Sometimes You Just Gotta Say....

I was perusing Drugstore.com the other day looking for replacement brush heads for my Sonicare toothbrush.

Me, being the frugal shopper that I am, browsed around to see if there was anything else I couldn't "live without" that would push my purchase price into the free shipping category.

I hate to pay for shipping if I don't have to.

I quickly flipped through a page in the "health" section and a big red "Whhaaaa?" lit up in my head.

So I went back.

To a product that is called the "Myself Pelvic Muscle Trainer".


A personal PELVIC muscle trainer?

Is it something like a Thighmaster?


Apparently the "Myself" is a "clinically-proven kegel exercise trainer for resolving incontinence, increasing vaginal tone, and enhancing intimacy."

Although I'm pretty sure that every woman in the stratosphere already knows what Kegel exercises are, I'm operating under the assumption that there might be a couple of manly lurkers who haven't run away screaming yet.

Kegel exercises are designed for women to strengthen their pelvic floors. In other words, they basically work the same set of muscles that control the flow of pee.

Traditionally in the past, women's magazines and the Total Woman Handbook (foisted on us at puberty by the period-fairy along with perfumed douches, a secret handshake and a "welcome to the club" speech which included a gift basket full of embarrassment in regards to our natural bodily functions) brought us information about Kegels.

They made it seem as if it was practically a womanly duty to perform these exercises routinely as a way to keep our future men satisfied. If we didn't, they'd go running off to the Caymans at age 45 with a bimbette named Tammi, her thong, and the kids' college funds.

That was before Lorena Bobbitt brought a whole new dimension to the playing field, but I'm digressing.

The beauty of Kegels is that this workout can be performed any where, any time, and doesn't require any equipment, like dumbbells (you can leave him at home) or knee pads (sorry, Monica!).

Squinch and release. Squinch and release.

Theoretically, if you do this every day, ultimately you'll have a crotch of steel.

It's like a secret Superpower just for women.

Women can do Kegels while we're driving the Hummer (getting our girl on!) or watching TV. We can do them on the sidelines at soccer games or while singing in the choir.

We can even do them at business meetings.

Next time a man is chairing a meeting and being particularly pompous, patriarchal or pedantic (believe me, some of those dinosours are still around), look at the women in the room.

If they appear to be especially serene (not bored or irritated) they're probably thinking, "Yeah, Buddy. One flex and I could rip your dick off."

That's why I'm wondering-why-oh-why-somebody came up with a gadget when none is really required? And what exactly does it do?

Evidently, the "Myself" measures how strong your vaginal squeeze is.

Yes. You heard it right.

"How does it do that?" you might ask.

You have to stick an inflatable (and disposable---you can buy replacements for 9.99) sensor UP INTO YOUR GIRLY PARTS to measure your strength when you squinch! Then the information goes from the sensor to a handheld monitor which shows you your crotchety progress with a smiley face or something like that.

Yikes! And well, YIKES!

How about a big honking WTF for good measure?!!

On top of the revolting squickiness, this gadget kind of reminds me of a BowLingual---the dog language translator that was a popular gift item a few years ago.

You stick a sensor on your dog's collar, and when she barks, it translates on a little monitor with emoticon faces that say everything from "I'm Needy!" to "Feed me, Bitch!"

The "Myself" tells you WHEN to squinch and release. As if your squinch timing is a precise, complicated, scientific calculation. Doh!

Additionally, it trains you through 3 different strength levels.
But what KIND of strength levels? And what kind of faces does it display to mark your progress?

Inquiring minds and all...

Level 1: Wet dishrag (big sad frowny with a teardrop face)
Level 2: Cracking Walnuts (lavicious eye wink face)
Level 3: Breaking Brass Bolts* (your choice of Gene Simmons, Colin Ferrell or generic Himbo screaming in agony face)

Seriously, this must be some kind of joke---a way to "squeeze" out 79+ bucks on a Superpower any woman can develop for free. Pun intended.

Why buy a "Myself" for something I can do...well...by myself?

Anybody else see the irony in that?

Somewhere the person behind this is laughing maniacally all the way to the bank.

*With Apologies to The Fugs


Rootietoot said...

This has now gone down as the funniest thing I've ever read. I'm linking you so my p0rn-actress feminist friends can read this.

Woman with Kids said...

So, it's turned masturbation into work. Lovely. It can be the female version of "So, how much weight can you lift?"

"Well Doris, I used to be able to squeeze only up to Well Used and Worn Out, but now after using MYSELF!, I can squeeze up to Practically a Born Again Virgin!"

Brenda said...

This had to be a man's invention. Maybe even by that same group of "pompous, patriarchal or pedantic" dudes at one of those business meetings. I'm so proud of you for resisting any sort of urge to purchase one! :-)

Northern_Girl said...

Holy hell.

(And I may just be the woman in the business meeting with the half-smile on my face...but then again, I may not.)

Beth said...

You must be psychic - I began my lifelong commitment to Kegel exercises in Junior Choir! (Not.)
And now do them in the grocery store with a smiley-face plastered on!

"Squinch." I think you just added a new word to the English vocabulary.

Nightmare said...

I love a broad with a snatch of steel!

Em said...

I can't believe it would dare tell someone they were a "dishrag"!!! It would only say that once and most people would beat the hell out of the thing.

Attila the Mom said...

Em---LOL!! That was a product of MY twisted imagination!

Manda said...

This just goes to show you can sell anything with the right marketing. BTW I was doing my kegels while reading this, hell after 3 kids I gotta do something!

Anonymous said...

Ah! Maybe I need one of these to remind me to do my Kegels. (I'm doing them now!)

But, would one of these really help? I don't leak, don't have feelings of urgency, vaginal tone may need a bit of a helping hand (so to speak), I think my sexual arousal and sensation are OK, never been pregnant and don't intend to be, but it mentions that it eases the symptoms of menopause. Can it really get rid of the hot flashes, insomnia, mood swings, fatigue, memory loss, etc??

golfwidow said...

I would only buy one of those if it would give me some sort of useful certification.

Perhaps something I could put on my resume.

Anonymous said...

LOL!! I almost wet myself just reading this excellent post. I don't know if that means I should work out more, or less.

It reminds me of the Tamagotchi virtual pet thingies that our daughter had that drove us nuts. I'm assuming (and hoping) that it doesn't beep every ten minutes nagging you to feed it.

Kim Ayres said...

I'm sold on it. Where do I buy one?

Robbiegirl said...

If they made it into a game, I'd buy it. I'll buy pretty much anything if it's some sort of game.

That said, I really don't think about my girl muscles that much. I know I used to do 200 squeezes every day, but the last few years I can't be bothered.

If the guy complains, I won't give him any more loving. Simple. ;)

Michelle Flaherty said...

I'm doing my kegels right now. Not that I really have a reason to, lol, just 'cause you brought it to mind. Thought I'd see if I still had what it takes to keep my pelvic floor strong.

phlegmfatale said...

OMG - what an hilarious post! Lurved it!


CS said...

Yikes doesn't begin to cover it! Here from Dorky Dad, and this was a hysterical intro to your blog.

Anonymous said...

The sensor looks like one of those G-spot vibrators that I've... ahem... heard about! Perhaps that's what the smiley face on the monitor is all about!!

Angela said...

So funny! I bet they sell them at sex shops too.

OneEar said...

Thanks for the tutorial. I've been using Myself incorrectly.

kristi said...

WEIRD. Just weird.

Scully's Moulder said...

At least I wasn't drinking coffee this time! I hope they haven't made an infomercial for this thing. Can you imagine? An entire half hour of "squinch release squinch release"?!

tomshideaway said...

I wonder when Kegel's will make it to the olympics...I want to be one of the Judges!!

I think they would have to be scored like Ice Skating

And I can hear the play by play now...

"Did you see that Dutch? She did a triple kegel and left Lance there on the floor with that move"

"You're right Ken, look she's squeezed the life out him. I'd give that a perfect 10"

Anonymous said...

I don't know about the rest of the guys here but Kegel or no Kegel, the worst I ever had was wonderful.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Oh...the joys of kegels are neverending!

So...are you trying to tell me NOT to buy you this for Christmas? (hee-hee)

Samantha said...

Most things I put up There come out smiling ;) I really cannot see the point in that piece of crap, imagine how many shoes I could buy instead!

Anonymous said...

Oh my stars woman! That has got to be one of the funniest, most useless pieces of equipment EVER!

Thanks but I'll just stick to the old fashioned kegels they taught us in Lamaze class.

Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
LMAO! Do the Kegel exercise directions come in large, bold print for senior citizens? I wonder if Medicare would help defray the cost. And it can be used while I’m blogging, hmmm? YES!

Kim said...

Oh FER...
My vagina muscles are JUST FINE, thank you. Harumph! After years spent fretting about flabby thighs and non-rock hard abs, NO ONE is making me get a complex about weak vaginal muscles. No siree, BOB!

Anonymous said...

there are no words.
there really are no words.

ha. ha.

imfunnytoo said...

Just when I was having one of my grumpier days...

I can't decide whether to crack up laughing or go Ewwwwwwww! or both...


Anonymous said...

OMG...ROTFLMAO!! (Which, incidentally, may do just as much for the pelvic floor as this crazy contraption....!) Unless you're like the woman I was reading about who just gave birth to her 17th baby, I don't think most of us need to pay THAT much attention to those particular muscles. Thanks for the laugh!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Does it vibrate?

kimananda said...

One of the silliest things ever made, indeed. I wonder how many people buy them...both how many women think they need them, or how many men think that it could help the women in their lives.

I'm also wondering if there's an on-line version of the total woman handbook...I think the period fairy forgot to give me my copy way back when.

carmachu said...

You women are SO weird and will buy anything....

Philip. said...

"They made it seem as if it was practically a womanly duty to perform these exercises routinely as a way to keep our future men satisfied."

Wise words and true - LOL

Anonymous said...


Мы с моим другом Эдуардом нашли секретную лазейку к постоянному потоку денег из интернета,


Но не все оказалось так просто нужно было все сделать по человечески что бы было просто и понятно тебе...
И чтобы тебе было еще интереснее - я объявляю временную акцию и дарю тебе "Яндекс.Директ под Ключ" и еще до 8 ценных Подарков и Бонусов.
Забирай быстрее Подарки, пока мы не закрыли Акцию!