Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Holiday Hell: Mountain Mom Goes to The Big Bad City

I was "supposed" to get a few days off by myself. That was the plan. A couple of days in a nice hotel room with absolute quiet to unwind my tightly-wrapped-self and recharge my batteries.

No kids. No dogs. No kids fighting with each other. No dogs fighting with each other. No kids and dogs fighting with each other.

No schoolwork. No housework.

No checking a certain someone's body parts for signs of tumors or flesh-eating bacteria.

I was going to visit my mom and get ME a little Mommying time. Even big girls need that sometimes, when things are feeling tough.

Life never seems to work out as planned, does it?

Yes, I know whining is unattractive. Can I at least have a little leeway for a minor pout?

What started out as a "me" weekend, turned into a "me and both boys" weekend. They felt that they too deserved a mental health break, and worked me over like Tony Soprano worked over Ralph Cifaretto before cutting his head off.

There was a concert in The Big City that the Big Kid was dying to go to, and the Little Guy was missing his Grandma too.

How dare I contemplate depriving them?

So I caved in.

Big Kid's Ipod pooped the bed a few weeks ago. Since there aren't any authorized Apple dealers in the Smaller Big City that is closest to us, and we'd be staying downtown in The Big City, I thought there might be a store there so we could get it looked at.

There was one. At Really Snooty Shopping Mall.

I called first to get the skinny. And walked into the Twilight Zone.

"Thank you for calling the Apple Store. This is Thorne speaking."

Thorne? Have I stumbled into an episode of The Young and the Useless?

Hi! I was calling to get some information. My son's Ipod isn't working, and he thinks it might be the battery. Is there someone there who could test the battery before we purchase a new one, just in case that's not the problem?

"Sure! You just have to make an appointment with a Genius."


A what?

"You have to make a reservation at our Genius Bar."

Genius Bar? WTF is that?

Uh, I'm coming through from out of town, and I have no idea of when we'll be in the area. If we just came in, could we wait until someone could look at it?

Thorne turned on the snoot. Obviously I was just a yokel who normally shops at bourgeois establishments like Best Buy or Circuit City.

"We're very busy. If you just come in, it could be hours before we could seat you at the Bar."

Seat me? Am I going to be ordering the battery platter with a side of crunchy circuit boards?

I was completely bewildered.

At this point, if Thorne had been infused with the slightest modicum of customer service, he would have realized that I was a neophyte in the world of Apple and taken a second to enlighten a doofus like me. The "Genius Bar" was their "fix-it" desk, and the "Geniuses" were techs trained to diagnose problems in Ipods and Macs.

But no. That might have messed up his manicure.

Oooookaaaay, how about tomorrow at 2pm?

"Certainly! Can I have your name?"

Attila the Mom.

"And your email address?"

I'm going to be traveling, you prat. Think I'm going to be toting along my desktop to check my email for Genius Bar seating plan updates?


"We'll see you tomorrow at 2!"

After a few moments of contemplating our schedule, I called back.

"Thank you for calling the Apple Store. This is Thorne speaking."

Hi Thorne, this is ATM again. Could I change our reservation with the "Genius" to 3pm?

"Of course! Do you want me to cancel your 2pm reservation?"

Well duh. No wonder you're answering phones and not serving computer cocktails behind the "Bar" with the Geniuses!

Long long story short now. Really Snooty Mall is a block long with minimal parking. We ended up paying 8 bucks for valet service. The Genius Bar was manned by peeps wearing fake Ipods around their necks as name tags and precious black t-shirts with one little word on them---you got it---"Genius" (I swear! I am NOT making this up! Click on the picture to make it larger!).

I'm not making fun of the employees. I'm sure that this get-up is required wearing, and it's not their fault.

Of course, Big Kid's IPod warranty expired three months ago. The tech hooked it up to his diagnostic system and said, "I think it's either your hard drive or your circuit board".

You mean your Genius computer doesn't know?

He handed us a business card to a non-Apple company and told us to contact them for repair. How weird was that?

Holiday Hell to be continued...


shirley said...

oh eek! and those geniuses are NOT amused when you start giggling uncontrollably at them either. hahahaa!!

100 Words said...

"Am I going to be ordering the battery platter with a side of crunchy circuit boards?"

That's genius.

Anonymous said...

LOL I just posted about my trip to the Apple store too. It is pretty funny how they run the place isn't it?

Brenda said...

Oh Lordy, I won't be purchasing an Apple product any time soon, they'd shit a gold brick if a real life redneck came in amongst em! You've got the patience of a saint ATM!!

Undercover Angel said...

LOL! Note to self...stay away from the Apple Store...

RC said...

i think it's pretty funny...the concept of creating an identity is obviously an important business concept...

but when the identity pushes away customers it's a failure.

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
LMAO! Some of these self-proclaimed “geniuses” were probably selling paint at the local Ace Hardware store and have just been elevated to their new lofty positions of grandeur very recently. I ran into a similar supposed “computer guru” at Circuit City and realized that he mistook me for a total novice that didn’t have an ounce of brains in her little blonde head. After he’d thrown around a few wire-head geek phrases, I started tossing a few of my own back and within a couple of minutes he scampered off with his tail between his legs (well…) to have the “manager” assist me with my computer inquiries. So much for “wonder kid”!

Maybe you should escape to a Health Spa for “Women Only” for a day or two. It sounds like no matter where you go or what you try to do, your entourage is always close by. It’s flattering to be loved and needed, but you need a bit of “down time” every so often. Leave the broken Ipod, cell phone, walkie-talkie, tin cans with strings attached and any other means of communication at home and enjoy the peace and quiet.

I’m sorry you well intentioned Holiday went to hell in a hand basket in no time…

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That does NOT sound relaxing! I can understand his love of the Ipod....I am pathetically addicted to mine! I just can't help myself!

Please tell me you are going to get a break soon...sounds like you could use it!

Amy said...

Uhoh...as soon as you caved...uhoh :P I'd probably thrown my hands up in defeat and just bought a NEW one fer cryin' out loud.

Mamma said...

That does not sound like a vacation. I hope it gets better.

quinn said...

Bummer...no fun for you...i also hope it gets better for you .

carmachu said...

I hate apple stuff. Its all attitude, not enough real stuff. That and starbucks. ugh

Try using a 2x4 next time. Usually gets their attention.

yerdoingitwrong said...


Hey I have a gift card to send to you. Can you email me with your choice of stores and your address? Thanks so much for participating in our virtual shower!!! You are the best.


Dorky Dad said...

When my iPod started eliciting a non-stop loud-pitched scream at work I just walked right up to the genius bar and they got me a new one. It was awesome, because I didn't have an appointment, and you are allegedly supposed to have one. It was like one of the best days of my life.

phlegmfatale said...

Darling, that wasn't whining. That was a well-deserved unburdening. I think you deserve a medal for not cocking one on the little snots at the Genius Bar. How pretentious. You need to schedule another getaway just for you. I'm planning one for myself, too.

Annie Drogynous said...

You're a great storyteller, my dear! I do get great joy at laughing at your expense, I'm afraid, lol.

I think I'll wait for my kids' dad to get them iPods. That way when they go bonkers, he can deal with all that crap.

As for your "break", I do hope you get one of your own soon. You're right, we all deserve them.

BTW, Thorne is from The Bold and the Beautiful, lol.

DutchBitch said...

Phew... I am glad thát didn't happen to me, because in my current mood I would have ripped "Genius" apart bit by bit... And Thorn too... after pulling him thru the phone...

Me said...

Genius bar???
*wipes tears*

Special K said...

Funny, but as I was reading this my brain was pronouncing 'genius' as Genie Ass. How appropriate in this case.

As much as I'm hopeful your "me weekend" improves, somehow I think not.

Jennifer McK said...

OMG!!!!! LMAO. I hope you get the time off you deserve.
I love that they did all that and sent you to a "non-Apple" company.
*rolls eyes*

Kim Ayres said...

I wonder if these Geniuses (Genii?) get paidmore than minimum wage?

Rootietoot said...

Anyone that pretentious must be hiding some phenomenal insecurities.

londongirl said...

ARrgghghgh. I hate it when tech stuff doesn't go to plan. It terrifies me and the "geniuses" know it so try to baffle you with technology.

Good luck with it all...

Ruth Dynamite said...

I want one of those t-shirts.

But you actually deserve one. Very funny. (Are you planning your next "vacation"?)

Tracie said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day! It made my day when I happened to be by a computer today and saw your comment.

Don't worry that story wasn't whinny at all....just hilarious!! I am laughing my butt off and a room full of people are giving me strange looks right now.

Pendullum said...

Go thee and get thee for the manicure and pedicure you so deserve...
and let the others deal with the Genius'!

Nightmare said...

Holy craptacular! You STILL need some groovy ME time just you and that thing that helps remove stress from the ladies shoulders in the magazine ads...yeah you know.


No you can say it is my fault and I'm the bad guy here.

sarala said...

When my i-pod bit the dust, it was the drive. I was annoyed because it was only 18 months old and I would have expected better from such an expensive toy. I did the whole bar thing and they told me it wasn't worth fixing but they would give me a $100 trade in on a better model. So now I have a 60 GB video i-pod. That's life with the big Apple.
Sorry the kids stole your break. Ain't kids a pain.

Meg said...

OMG! That's a true story? Wow! I couldn't have made up something that insanely weird!

abiscotti said...

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