Thursday, April 05, 2007

Holiday Hell: Bellying up to the Buffet

Whenever we go to the International Chain that Doesn't Support Skanky Socialites (affectionately called No-Ho's), I rarely, if ever, hit the breakfast buffet.

The last thing I need first thing in the morning is the fat and cholesterol table, and if I'm there, that's where I'll head to .

I have no impulse control, and I can snarf up bacon faster than Paris Hilton can say "That's Hot!"

What I really want in the morning is a half hour by myself to bathe, dress and run the same pot of coffee through the mini coffee maker 3 times to brew out the last little smidgeon of caffeine and flavor from those coffee pods. Then I'm ready to face the morning.

So hubby usually has breakfast duty.

But since it was just me and the boys, I had to accompany them to the buffet. There's absolutely no way I could let them go by themselves.

You know those people who always ask themselves What Would Jesus Do?

I'm always asking myself What Could Go Wrong?

Plenty, I tell you. Plenty!

I was standing at the buffet examining a big chafing dish full of yellow glop, and trying to figure out what in the heck it was.

Banana Pudding? Wallpaper Paste?

It was next to cheesy scrambled eggs. Could it be Hollandaise Sauce? But aren't Eggs Benedict made with poached eggs and English Muffins?

While my foot was tapping to perky oldies music that was piped into the dining room, I stirred it, and little slices of link sausage drifted to the top.

Hello there. Scratch Banana Pudding. I hope.

Over my shoulder, I heard a small voice say, "I'm sorry, Sir. There's nothing I can do about this."

Then a loud and strident bark, "Well, we'll just see about that!!"

I maneuvered myself behind the fruit and muffin table so I could be nosy and get a look at the big mouth. He, a tanned, late middle-aged asshat in golf attire seated next to his well-preserved and manicured wife, was dialing furiously into his cell phone, while a very petite, very young waitperson stood by and looked a little scared.

Oooh, what was the problem? A tooth in his oatmeal? A hair plug in his prune juice?

At that moment, Little Guy asked me if he could have a cheese danish AND a raspberry one. Eyeballing his piled-up plate, I lost a couple of minutes of the smackdown trying to convince the kid into choosing just one.

I have no idea who Big Mouth was calling. The front desk? The No-Ho Hotel Corporate office? Geraldo Rivera?

When I turned back, all I caught was, "Are you telling ME there's no way to change the station? Because I'm telling YOU that Nancy Sinatra singing These Boots are Made for Walking is completely inappropriate breakfast music!"

I sh*t you not. I almost dropped my plate. Bahahahaha!

BTW---the yellow glop is the hotel chain's version of sausage gravy. It consists of yellow chicken gravy and sliced up sausage links. Blech!


Jennifer said...

Some people just don't have a clue. As for the sausage gravy, sounds pretty damn gross.

Special K said...

What do you do eat the gravy with? Or do you just eat it on its own, like in a cereal bowl, or what?

Brenda said...

Eww, chicken gravy with sausage? Sounds worse than the tomato gravy my husband lusts after,,ewww,ewww,ewww!

As for "Tanned, late middle-aged asshat in golf attire" dude, people like him only reinforce my belief that there are some who would definately be a total waste of a bullet. Hanging might work though.

Me said...

oops. I laughed so much over this that people in the office are looking at me.
aawww...attila - you are a riot!!

mist1 said...

I don't like breakfast foods. Actually, I don't really like food for breakfast at all. If I ran a breakfast buffet, there would be four stations:

1. Cherry Coke Zero Bar
2. Bloody Mary Bar
3. Mimosa Bar
4. Cigarette Bar

Manda said...

I love to read your blogs, you always leave me in stitches!

I think I would have to skip breakfast there. Not that I'm a big breakfast eater anyway.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation. Of course, the more bizarre things that happen the more laughs for the rest of us, right?

Meg said...

That's hilarious. Perhaps he's more of a Tony Bennet fan.

Groovy Lady said...

LOL.. good grief! What a dingle berry that guy was.

Attila I'm ashamed of you though! I can't believe you didn't jump on that opportunity to practice your Nancy Sinatra skills..

loudly.. with dance moves.. all around his table. :D

Special K - usually that type of gravy is a white color, it's not based on chicken anything, lol and it's served over biscuits. Quite tasty actually.. however, if it's yellow I don't think I would be sampling it.

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
LMAO! Reading your post is almost as good as having been in the dining room to witness the asswipe golfer make an asshat of himself. Maybe he’d have preferred “The Prune Song” over breakfast; it sounds like he was suffering from a bad case of constipation. Did the wait staff switch the station to accommodate his royal-pain-in-the-ass? You wonder what makes some people so incorrigible, don’t you?

Years ago in another life, I use to make sausage gravy, using mushroom soup for a base and adding flour to thicken it. It always reminded me of plaster-of-paris, grout or calk with greasy lumps thrown in for texture…nasty! I now respect my heart and thighs and have learned to avoid “death trap” foods.

Did your lunch fare any better?

Oh, The Joys said...

I would totally hum along if I were eating Nancy Sinatra breakfast... in fact, I think I will tomorrow. Silly man!

Big Pissy said...

What a great story! *LOL*

Malnurtured Snay said...

Man, this is making me hungry for pancakes.

yerdoingitwrong said...

This is so damn funny!!! OMG. I needed this laugh tonight, girl. First of all....can I get a big Amen sistah for this statement:

I have no impulse control, and I can snarf up bacon faster than Paris Hilton can say "That's Hot!"


Also, I'm thinking that mist1 and I just might be soul mates. Those are the station's I would pick, too.

Happy Easter!!!!

ally said...

ommigod...what's nutso.

DutchBitch said...

OK... the description of the "yellow glop" just made me loose my breakfast...

Beth said...

Yes, the guy was (is) an ass. I can't even begin to fathom minds like his.
Honestly, it would never even occur to me that you could request that music be changed. Nor would I bother doing so.

The gravy glop? I would hurl.

Annie Drogynous said...

The elderly are so intolerant of such little things, aren't they?! I'm finding my parents are becoming more and more like that and it's quite embarrassing.

And thank you. I've completely lost my appetite for breakfast this morning!!

carmachu said...

Complaining about the music? Who do you complain to about his outfit. Talk about inapproriate for breakfast...

Philip said...

I agree with you about bacon.

If I ever met a pig trotting around minding it's own business, it wouldn't be around for long but would be in between two slices of bread!

shirley said...

wowie! that guy was high class!

phlegmfatale said...

On the other hand, this was a completely appropriate blog for me to read for breakfast. Good times!