Thursday, March 29, 2007

A Mighty Wind


Yes, I already know, it's been pointed out to me. I find too much humor in bodily function stories. It's immature. It's bordering on indecent. I snicker at toilet seats issues, arm-penises, boogers, snot storms, butt-tumors, foot-nipples, blue poop and farts.

Especially farts.

I have a lot of excuses. Dr. Phil would love them. I grew up in a household of boys, I'm the mother of boys, my mother was a minister, I have abandonment issues, my parents were divorced, nobody ever understood me, I had to invite my own date to the junior prom, blah blah blah.

Why don't I just come clean and admit that I'm a twisted individual with a base sense of humor?

I wasn't planning on writing another weird biological function story any time soon after that last post about the nippelous foot, but hey, I don't control the news. And when someone is fighting an internal war with the "Puff the Magic Dragon", I can't help but perk up and take notice.

I have problems subduing the Barbarians at the Gate myself.

I broke down and admitted it in this post, which I recommend as reading before you go on. Just so you appreciate how deep my affliction is.


But I think I might actually stick a pencil through my jugular if this happened to me. Would I complain to a newspaper? Hell no! I'd find me some panties lined with odor eaters and walk around with a bag on my head:

Apparently Stewart Laidlaw has now been banned from his regular pub. Since the smoking ban has taken effect, it has become obvious to one and all that putrid and noxious fumes come flying out of his butt on a habitual basis.

He can clear the bar in 5 minutes or less.

According to the proprietor: “It is just disgusting. He revels in this and does it all the time and it’s absolutely foul, it would make you sick.

We are a bus station pub and trying to keep new custom. The final straw was when an old gentleman came in and had his gin and tonic and the old guy was almost sick.

Other people have dropped handbags, shall we say. But when everybody’s choking and I come out with the spray and say don’t do it again, they will appreciate that and stop it."

The Fife License Trade Association agrees with him. “The landlord always has the right to refuse someone and if he feels he has to use that, that’s his prerogative.

You can’t just have one guy sitting there farting his day away and nobody else coming in. If this guy keeps coming and upsetting customers you have to address that."

Now how embarrassing is that???
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P.S. I'm running away for a few days to get a little away time before spring break is over. Unfortunately, the kids have decided that they're running away with me.

I'll post the American Midol results and prize information as soon as I get back. Be good!

20 comments:

Scully's Moulder said...

Being unconscious with the "thunder down under" is one thing, not being able to control it and all, especially while sleeping or having butt surgery. Loading up on Stove Top Stuffing before you go to a bar is something else.

Having said that, I am also known as "Farticus". AND I'm notorious for dispelling butt breath on my porr darling unsuspecting children once in a while. I think it makes up for all the poopy diapers I changed and the plethera of Hershey's Stipes I've put through the wash.

At any rate, keep tooting your horn and making "pigs in a blanket". If the dog will own up to it, give him a biscuit and a pat on the head. I don't believe there's a hidden 11th commandment that says, "Thou shalt not fart." but Confucious say, "He who farts in church sits in own pew."

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
OMG! This is funny! Mr. Laidlaw is only 35-years old but is able to clear rooms with this flatulence; what’s he going smell like 30 years from now? I wonder if his methane gas could be considered a “weapon of mass destruction”. One solution would be to build glass enclosed rooms for farters, similar to the ones for smokers at airports. People on the outside could take bets on who’s going to keel over first from the noxious fumes building up inside the cubicle. The problem with this idea is that some poor cocktail server would occasionally have to brave the elements; perhaps he/she could don a gasmask before entering...or try holding their breath for a marathon length of time.

Mr. Laidlaw needs to get a dog for a companion; he could blame the smell on “Fido” and keep drinking in peace.

Thanks for a very humorous post. I find you bodily function stories most amusing; does this mean I’m immature and definitely indecent too?

Attila The Mom said...

Scully's Moulder---Hehehe. Thanks for the words of wisbum!!

Miss Litzi---Yes. Just kidding.

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
I’d rather be immature and indecent than old, stodgy, and crotchety. I’ll worry about acting my age when it becomes necessary.

Mamma said...

I grew up in a house where we weren't allowed to say fart. It was "passed gas." It wasn't a stuffy house, I just think mom didn't think fart humor was very funny. Predictably, I never developed the keen appreciation for fart humor as a youth.

Now I have three boys and a husband... It's fart or get farted on.

carmachu said...

Thats SO awesome. I have clean one or two myself occassionally, but this man is my hero....

Brenda said...

There are farts and there are FARTS and this guy must have had the some really rauchy ones if he cleared a pub full of beer guzzling old codgers. Ain't much can come between a man and his beer in some countries.

P.S. I'd rather inhale the aroma of a dead animal than to remain in the room inhaling one of hubby's farts. They be RANK!

DutchBitch said...

Oh Please! Dr Phil is a bodily DISfunction in itself! Pfffttt!!!

Antiprincess and Rootietoot said...

Ben Franklin wrote an essay entitled "Fart Proudly" My children discovered said essay and us it as an excuse. Fortunately, they seem to aim more for the sound quality than odor quality. Farting on a leather couch is an experience to behold.

Terri said...

I like the phrase....
"one cheek sneaks"....

Dorky Dad said...

Wow. That Laidlaw guy is SOOO my hero. I just make people mad. But clear a room? That's an entirely new level of disgusting.

I've got some work to do.

Pendullum said...

Have a great trip...
And for goodness sake do not pull the finger if you meet up with my husband in your travels...

Manda said...

With a hubby and two boys myself I am finally getting fart humor. But I do think it's going to far with hubby teaching our 3 year old daughter "pull my finger". The main reason? I am afraid she's going to mess on herself one day trying to hard to fart when they play this "game". :)

Dorky Dad said...

OK Attila. I know you generally don't do memes, but I've tagged you nonetheless.

Stinkypaw said...

Enjoy your time away! It's a good thing you wrote why you were running away... I thought it had something to do with farts again! ;-)

phlegmfatale said...

My husband didn't know women farted before we married. He was 28. He knows better now.

But farting in a pub? Even a smoky pub? I'd never feel safe ripping one off in public.

Samantha said...

That's so funny! I would be so embaressed if I couldn't go in my local anymore for farting, but saying that, I do revel in a well timed and aimed fart at the Chubbs, te he he.

Annie Drogynous said...

My 6 year old daughter could out-fart this guy hands down. The noises that eminate from her cute little butt could frighten someone to death and the odor ain't that pleasant either. I'm telling you, she almost killed one of our cats. Trust me, Mount St. Helens couldn't erupt as loud.

Jennifer McK said...

Um, does that make me twisted because our nickname for our oldest son (even though he's six) is "Fart Fart Boy"?

Last night, my hubby was cooking on the BBQ and let a loud one rip that rattled the neighbors windows. His comment? "Gas grillin' baby".

*rolls eyes*

mia said...

Hope you are enjoying your break!!!!!