Monday, March 05, 2007

American Midol; Where it's Good to be Bad/Week 2

Welcome to Week Two of the American Midol---If I'm Not Happy, Nobody's Happy Really Bad Poetry Contest!

4 patrons for punishment jumped in for the second round. Thank you all!

Don't forget that this Wednesday the 7th at midnight (any time zone) is the deadline to enter for Week 3 which is the last week before the final round. For rules, prizes, and other fine print, go here.

Vote for your favorite bad poet! The comments section is open until midnight next Monday for audience participation in this round. The rules are as follows:

1). Each reader vote counts as 1/2 a point.
2). Readers may only vote once each round/week.
3). Anonymous comments/votes will not be counted and will be deleted unless the author provides their blog url with their vote.

A special welcome to our judges!

Mr. Fabulous


Pointless Drivel

Annie Drogynous

It Puts the Lotion in the Basket...



Backwards in High Heels

Ma Titwonky


Enema Portal for Groan Ups

Now, on with the show!!

Contestant 9

Golf Widow, from Golf Widow's Ministry of Sillywalks

"Here's the Scoop"

"Perhaps you don't care that I've had a bad day,
But I need some comfort and you're in my way.
Step away from that freezer - I need some dessert.
Hand over the ice cream, no one will get hurt."

Mr. Fab: If I'm being honest, this isn't terrible at all. It's rather benign actually. I'm looking for something I can really hate, like Ma Titwonky in a spandex jumpsuit, but this isn't it I'm afraid. I can't give it better than a 4.

Ma Titwonky: I don't do spandex, but I did manage to wrestle that green thong suit away from Borat. Eat your heart out Fabbie.

Annie: The title threw me a bit. I thought the author was writing a poem about kitty litter. Fortunately that wasn't the case, unfortunately, it's just not bad enough. I need something I can really dig my claws into, tear apart and make the author cry. Okay, I wouldn't do that but I do feel a sudden urge for a scoop of ice cream. Rat bastard. You get a 2.

Beki: The worse thing about this poem is there is no verse 2 - I want to hear of injuries caused by an ice cream scoop. Have confidence in your inability dear writer and have an encouraging score of 5.

Ma Titwonky: This is just your basic good old-fashioned common sense which means it isn't bad enough to rate higher than a 4 except that recent studies show eating ice cream can make women get preggers easier which, if that's not exactly what she had in mind when she dug into her Haagen-Dazs with her grapefruit spoon (makes cutting through frozen stuff much easier), could only add to her angst in a few months, so I had to almost doubler the points for a final score of 6.5

Total for badness: 17.5 points

Contestant 10

Miss Keeks

Hypodermic Needle Blues Haiku

Poor old cat Oscar
suffers from kidney failure
saline injections

Miss Keeks loves him so
she jabs him with the needle
It is really gross

Tragedy occurs!!!
She stabs herself with needle
that was in Oscar

Her finger is numb
from the last joint up, so weird
she has nerve damage

but, worse than that... now
she wants to sleep day and night
and lick Oscar's butt.

note: Miss Keeks doesn't really want to lick Oscar's butt, but she has noticed her two cats licking each other there

Mr. Fab: Something tells me this isn't Miss Keeks' first foray into butt licking. Reminds me of a weekend I spent in the Poconos with Annie. Look, I'd give it a 7, but it's an actualy haiku with the right syllables and everything, so I have to take 2 off for that, but then tack 2 more back on because of the disclaimer which I found completely pointless and unnecessary, kind of like my explanation. So..a 7.

Annie: Oh don't even go there, Fab. It was YOU doing the licking and I believe that was a bear you were tonguing. Frankly this poem sucked. I love cats, I have cats, but I couldn't get through this without coughing up a hairball. I'm giving it a 9.

Beki: I look forward to the follow up haiku of Miss Keek's spaying. I don't like haikus at the best of times but recognise the artform and think this writer has taken a great liberty by inserting a butt into it. Awful Score 8.

Ma Titwonky: Okay this one grossed me out so much I will not be able to eat for the rest of the day and will undoubtedly have nightmares about licked cat butts for several weeks. Even Simon Cowell would not have a bad description worthy enough of this terrible piece of imagery. I give it a 9.

Total for badness: 33 points

Contestant 11

Mia, from Mia's Saving Grace

There once was a girl named Atilla,

whose new bathroom smelled like vanilla.

The curtain she hung with such love and care
sporting a bountiful twattish good flair.

The knobs that she chose resembled a tit,
they kept with the theme and were such a good fit!

Aside from her PMS bunny slipper wrath,
theres one thing quite funny about this new bath

I'm sure if you read her hilarious blog,
you may not need a memory jog.

Just to be safe I will tell you for certain,
because it isn't the fanciful x -rated curtain.

Nor the boob knobs that make this new bathroom a hit.
It's the true natural beauty of her Bronco blue shit.

Mr. Fab: Now here is some real butt kissing. A bit of a suck up job, I would say, although the phrase "bountiful twattish" made my nipples hard. For that I give it a 7. I rather like having hard nipples.

Ma Titwonky: Now my nipples are hard, so I've got THO's in my Borat suit. Thanx Fab. Thanx a lot.

Annie: Fab, a cool breeze gives you hard nipples. I liked it. Curse words were used and I get all tingly in my girly region over curse words. I'll give it a 6.

Mr. Fab: Wow, you haven't been tingly in your girly region since the Reagan administration!

Beki: What the?! This poem staggers like a former child star after 50 tequila slammers. When reading, it creates a mental pounding like being attacked with a hammer. I think I have concussion. Score 7

Ma Titwonky: I could find the man's face in the coffee beans, but I couldn't find the twat in the shower curtain. This is the ultimate suck-up-to-the-contest-host poem plus there is use of part of a judge's last name in the rhyme. Valiant effort, but I have to agree with Mr Fab and give it a score of 6 because with all those jahoobie references I was left a bit cold.

Total for badness: 26 points

Contestant # 12
Sarala, from Blogaway


Stick a fork in your eyeball and twist.
Drop a bowling ball on your toe.
Jump out the window stark naked
Not noticing cacti below.

Start a fight with the Terminator,
Swallow red hot lava.
Swim with an angry alligator.
Scald your tongue on java.

Amputate a limb with a plastic knife.
Set yourself on fire.
Have the time of your life,
Chewing on barbed wire.

So if this poem has you annoyed,
Do away with nights of passion.
All the labor you'll avoid.
Nor ever suffer in this fashion.

Mr. Fab: This speaks to me, it drives deep into the core of my soul. It scalds my face and kicks me in the solar plexus and smashes a metal chair across my back. I give it a 7.

Annie: Now wait just one minute...I went through labor 2 times and at no time did I want to cause myself any such bodily harm as mentioned in this poem. I wanted to shove my then-husband's head through a concrete wall, but that was it. I like this poem. I'm giving you a 6 because I could feel your pain. Plus 1 more because it caused me to start cramping. Someone please pass the Midol!! Total of 7.

Beki: Is that you Britney? Do you have access to a computer in rehab? It's like having your heart dipped in mercury and then rolled in grit. Positively the worst thing I have read so far. Score 9

Ma Titwonky: I've got all my supplies and have begun embroidering this beauty on a sampler to hang in my foyer. This is not bad poetry. This comes close to describing the meaning of life itself as seen from the stirrups up. I'd give it a 4 because it's just not bad at all, but then I'd have to tack on 5 more points for the image horrors it conjures. They go beyond bad into a deep seated truth few poets will ever come close to revealing. Definitely a 9.

Total for badness: 32 points


That's it for Week 2 of American Midol, When I'm Not Happy, Nobody's Happy! Really Bad poetry contest! The comments section will be open for voting until midnight next Sunday----vote for your favorite bad poem!

Don't forget that Wednesday is the deadline for new entries for the last round.

This is your hostess Attila the Mom reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. And pick up those socks! And sit up straight! And...

If you're fans of the original Idol, please visit the folks at
American Midol the blog---a source for news, gossip and snarky good fun. They were gracious enough to allow me to use the title for my contest name instead of ripping my arm off and beating me over the head with it for not doing a blog search first. Many thanks to them!


Miss Keeks said...

Sweet!!! I'm the winner! I'd like to thank my mother, my cat Oscar and God for helping me get here. I can't believe it. I'm honored.

I actually started sleeping 22 hours a day, but as this was bad poetry--I had to take poetic license and say butt.

Nikki said...

Dude, I'm totally voting for Miss Keeks.

That was a truely terrible poem that talked about butt licking...or maybe it was a truely terrible poem BECAUSE it talked about butt licking...I don't know...but she's definately got my vote....and I really liked it...I have NO taste in poetry

Beth said...

"Here's the Scoop" gets my vote.

sarala said...

Well, I cannot compare with Miss Keeks in talent or in gloating but I am proud to be a close second. I'd now kiss up to all the judges except that Becki thought I could be Britney. Now that I resent. As they say in the movies "Them's shootin' words."
If you don't take them back I might go lick some cat butt myself. Yuck.

mia said...

All of that sucking up I did could certainly be called butt licking! I can't believe I didn't get more repulsion points for that!!! I guess it has to be the four legged variety to count? Whatever.
I think I was robbed.
I even made room in front of my picture window for my major award! This sucks.

Annie Drogynous said...

Mia, I'll give you another point for an awesome response, lol.