Friday, February 09, 2007

American Midol---Where it's Good to be Bad!!

American Midol Really Bad Poetry Contest!
If I'm not happy, Nobody's happy!

Sometimes it's good to be bad!!

This contest is all about the angst of being a woman (or living with one)! Send in your really bad poetry and win some Anne Taintor gear!

[Update: There is actually a blog entitled American Midol that posts news, gossip and opinions on the real show. Color me embarrassed! I wrote to them with my apologies and they graciously consented to allow me to use the name for the contest and wished everybody the best of luck! Please go there and check it out!]

All forms of bad verse are eligible.

Such as limericks (yes these bad verses are mine):

There once was a lass from Missouri
who had trouble containing her fury
Her husband thought it a joke
when he drank the last diet coke
and now she's in front of a jury


My neighbor once thought she was superior
and every other woman inferior
She said my tuna salad
was watery and pallid
so I told her to kiss my posterior


Or Haiku:

Ah, the door is shut
Please Calgon take me away
Out! Go poop elsewhere!


Or lyrics to an existing song:

Talk-Show Junkie

(Sung to Roger Miller's "Dang Me")

Sitting on my couch just watching TV
Got a whole day of talk shows waiting for me
Today's TV line up is a-really wild
There's a two-headed woman with a three-headed child!

Oprah, Oprah,
you're better than any soaprah
Without my fix I'm in misery
'Cause I'm a talk-show junkie!

Ellen's on at nine, Dr. Phil at ten
and Montel is a man among men
Rosie-O is in and Star is out the door,
Lord they keep me begging for more!

Oprah, Oprah,
You're better than any soaprah
Without my fix I'm in misery
What would I do without Direct TV?


Or you could choose free-form, or sonnets, or any kind of verse.

Email your really bad verse and an icon---profile or otherwise (with your blog url) to

Rules and fine print stuff:

1. One entry per person. All work must be original to YOU. Entries will be accepted from now to March 7th, but it's a 3-week contest, so get them in early! Although this contest is titled "American Midol", any contestant from any country is welcome.

2. It's ok if you don't have a blog, but if you do, send the url so I can pimp it 12 ways from Sunday.

3. 150 words or less. Any form is acceptable---haiku, free form, limericks, lyrics, etc. Adult humor is ok----anything nasty or graphic is not. I'm pretty liberal (hey, I write about farts and boogers), but if I think it's too nasty, I reserve the right to kick it to the curb.

4. Need an address (I don't care if it's your brother-in-law's house, I promise not to come looking for you in my bunny slippers or sell it to Hoover vacuum salespeople) to send your prize. If you prefer, you can substitute your prize with a $5.00 electronic gift certificate from, which can be sent to you in email. Please do NOT send your address with your entry. I will notify the winners by email.

How it works:

1. This contest is open to everyone, guys included. It is, however, a bad poetry contest about women and their angst, or living with a woman and her angst. You can be awful, or funny, or better yet, awfully funny. Your poem is going to be made fun of, so don't send anything that you opened a vein to write.

2. I am not a judge. I am the host of the show. Don't hate on me. ;-)

3. There are 5 judges. Each week they will receive the poems with the contestant's number only, so they won't know who the authors are. No attempts at bribing with cookies or virtual sex or actual sex with lemurs allowed! Will introduce the judges soon!

4. The judges will rate each verse from 1-10 and add a comment.
On Mondays:

a) I'll post them with your blog url and open comments to votes from readers.
b) Each reader vote counts for 1/2 a point.
c) Readers may only vote once each round/week.
d) Anonymous comments/votes will not be counted and will be deleted unless the author provides
their blog address with their vote.

5) After week 3, the top ten finalists will be presented and the readers will vote to decide the winners!

Prizewinners are as listed:

Grand Prize Winner will get first pick among the prizes
1st Place next pick
2nd Place next pick
3rd Place next pick
6 Finalist Honorable Mentions will get to choose in order of votes.

Schedule dates:

Round 1 cut-off, Wednesday February 21
Round 2 cut-off, Wednesday February 28
Round 3 cut-off, Wednesday March 7---No more new entries!
Finalist round is March 14th through the 21st.

Prizes are Anne Taintor products (except for one which is very funny and "Taintorish"). There are multiples of some and enough for all prizewinners to pick from a variety. If you are uncomfortable with sending an address (and believe me, no offense taken!) you can substitute it for a $5.00 electronic gift certificate which can be sent in email from

I Feel a Sin Coming On, Book of 30 postcards

Another Day in Paradise, Book of 30 postcards

You Mean a Woman Can Open It...? The Woman's Place in the Classic Age of Advertising, Book of 31 postcards

Birthdays, She Believed, Were No Time to Exercise Restraint, Birthday/Date Book

Wow! I Get to Give Birth AND Change Diapers! Photo Album

Make Your Own Damn Dinner! Notepad

Anne Taintor Magnets, set of 4

Anne Taintor Magnets, set of 4


Beth said...

My pen is poised - I'm ready to go...

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am in! I am going to put on my thinking cap RIGHT NOW! OH, the PRESSURE!

Samantha said...

This looks like so much fun! I love yours :D BTW, I have changed my URl to

a said...

I can't wait! *snickers*

Big Pissy said...

Sadly, I'm not in creative in the least....well...unless you consider my superior shopping skills.

Love the Anne Taintor prizes~awesome!

p.s. you Haiku is hilarious! *LOL*

Lisa Fine Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

I like the Calgon Haiku. Wow, I suck at poetry but will give it a shot. I look forward to reading the other ones for sure.


St Jude said...

Oh this is right up my street, I'm hopeless at poetry, so maybe I'm in with a chance ;0}

TOM said...

You gonna be busy!! Looking forward to reading them all..I've gotta a picture in my head of you chasing someone down in Bunny Slippers...LOL

Ben said...

Very awesome. I'm totally in, as the husband of a woman scorned. But I'm a little confused--

Judges rate the poem from 1-10, I got that. But am I aiming for it to be bad? Or just funny? Funniest poem wins, right?

I'm going to make you shoot diet coke out your nose. That's a promise.

Attila The Mom said...

Ben---Appreciation of poetry is a very subjective thing. What one person finds wonderful makes another person want to rip their eyeballs out.

So in the spirit of American Idol, we're going to assume that every poem submitted is in need of a judicial smackdown.

So it can be awful, or funny, or awfully funny! Can't wait to see yours!

Brenda said...

I'd love to do this but for the moment all my brain cells are mush.
Yours are wayyyyyyyy great!

Ma Titwonky said...

I'm pimping this one! Can't wait to see what entries you get.

Annie Drogynous said...

BTW, "a" was me the other day! Blogger was acting up, I had a hard time posting here and it cut me off before I had time to fix it! I meant to come right back but my mind just isn't what it used to be, lol.

Blogarita said...

I don't think I'm going to have time to enter, but I think the prizes are awesome!

sarala said...

I'm in. I love the prizes but I'd do it just for the excuse to write a nasty poem. Now I have to think of one.

Gawpo said...

Okay, I'll just begin by saying something funny right here.

How was that?