American Midol---Where it's Good to be Bad!!

American Midol Really Bad Poetry Contest!

If I'm not happy, Nobody's happy!

Sometimes it's good to be bad!!

This contest is all about the angst of being a woman (or living with one)! Send in your really bad poetry and win some Anne Taintor gear!

[Update: There is actually a blog entitled American Midol that posts news, gossip and opinions on the real show. Color me embarrassed! I wrote to them with my apologies and they graciously consented to allow me to use the name for the contest and wished everybody the best of luck! Please go there and check it out!]

All forms of bad verse are eligible.

Such as limericks (yes these bad verses are mine):

There once was a lass from Missouri
who had trouble containing her fury
Her husband thought it a joke
when he drank the last diet coke
and now she's in front of a jury

---------

My neighbor once thought she was superior
and every other woman inferior
She said my tuna salad
was watery and pallid
so I told her to kiss my posterior

----------------

Or Haiku:

Ah, the door is shut
Please Calgon take me away
Out! Go poop elsewhere!

-------------------

Or lyrics to an existing song:

Talk-Show Junkie

(Sung to Roger Miller's "Dang Me")

Sitting on my couch just watching TV
Got a whole day of talk shows waiting for me
Today's TV line up is a-really wild
There's a two-headed woman with a three-headed child!

Oprah, Oprah,
you're better than any soaprah
Without my fix I'm in misery
'Cause I'm a talk-show junkie!

Ellen's on at nine, Dr. Phil at ten
and Montel is a man among men
Rosie-O is in and Star is out the door,
Lord they keep me begging for more!

Oprah, Oprah,
You're better than any soaprah
Without my fix I'm in misery
What would I do without Direct TV?

---------------

Or you could choose free-form, or sonnets, or any kind of verse.

Email your really bad verse and an icon---profile or otherwise (with your blog url) to Hugyourkidz@aol.com.

Rules and fine print stuff:

1. One entry per person. All work must be original to YOU. Entries will be accepted from now to March 7th, but it's a 3-week contest, so get them in early! Although this contest is titled "American Midol", any contestant from any country is welcome.

2. It's ok if you don't have a blog, but if you do, send the url so I can pimp it 12 ways from Sunday.

3. 150 words or less. Any form is acceptable---haiku, free form, limericks, lyrics, etc. Adult humor is ok----anything nasty or graphic is not. I'm pretty liberal (hey, I write about farts and boogers), but if I think it's too nasty, I reserve the right to kick it to the curb.

4. Need an address (I don't care if it's your brother-in-law's house, I promise not to come looking for you in my bunny slippers or sell it to Hoover vacuum salespeople) to send your prize. If you prefer, you can substitute your prize with a $5.00 electronic gift certificate from Amazon.com, which can be sent to you in email. Please do NOT send your address with your entry. I will notify the winners by email.

How it works:

1. This contest is open to everyone, guys included. It is, however, a bad poetry contest about women and their angst, or living with a woman and her angst. You can be awful, or funny, or better yet, awfully funny. Your poem is going to be made fun of, so don't send anything that you opened a vein to write.

2. I am not a judge. I am the host of the show. Don't hate on me. ;-)

3. There are 5 judges. Each week they will receive the poems with the contestant's number only, so they won't know who the authors are. No attempts at bribing with cookies or virtual sex or actual sex with lemurs allowed! Will introduce the judges soon!

4. The judges will rate each verse from 1-10 and add a comment.

On Mondays:

a) I'll post them with your blog url and open comments to votes from readers.
b) Each reader vote counts for 1/2 a point.
c) Readers may only vote once each round/week.
d) Anonymous comments/votes will not be counted and will be deleted unless the author provides
their blog address with their vote.

5) After week 3, the top ten finalists will be presented and the readers will vote to decide the winners!

Prizewinners are as listed:

Grand Prize Winner will get first pick among the prizes
1st Place next pick
2nd Place next pick
3rd Place next pick
6 Finalist Honorable Mentions will get to choose in order of votes.

Schedule dates:

Round 1 cut-off, Wednesday February 21
Round 2 cut-off, Wednesday February 28
Round 3 cut-off, Wednesday March 7---No more new entries!
Finalist round is March 14th through the 21st.

Prizes are Anne Taintor products (except for one which is very funny and "Taintorish"). There are multiples of some and enough for all prizewinners to pick from a variety. If you are uncomfortable with sending an address (and believe me, no offense taken!) you can substitute it for a $5.00 electronic gift certificate which can be sent in email from Amazon.com.








I Feel a Sin Coming On, Book of 30 postcards

Another Day in Paradise, Book of 30 postcards






You Mean a Woman Can Open It...? The Woman's Place in the Classic Age of Advertising, Book of 31 postcards










Birthdays, She Believed, Were No Time to Exercise Restraint, Birthday/Date Book

Wow! I Get to Give Birth AND Change Diapers! Photo Album

Make Your Own Damn Dinner! Notepad



Anne Taintor Magnets, set of 4

Anne Taintor Magnets, set of 4