Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Extreme Makeover, Attila's XXX-Rated Edition

After 9 days I finally get to take a bath in my new tub! Woohoo!

The bathroom isn't finished yet---there's still trim, staining, and a few other things to complete, but it's functional.

Last week was a long week, especially with having to share one bathroom with 4 men. Couldn't even have a couple of hours to nap without the parade of potty-goers making their way past my bed through to the master bathroom.

Little Guy has the flu, Big Guy and I have assignments and exams due later this week (plus he continues to have exhausting emotional issues), and I haven't even had the comfort of my little oasis to take me away.


45 minutes of silence and bath salts is the psychological balm equivalent to 2 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and a pint of Ben and Jerry's with whipped cream and cherries.

Since my lil' brother went home for the weekend, construction was halted to give the grout and stuff time to cure. I spent the time whipping up a custom shower curtain and valance.

Took me a little while to find the perfect fabric. I wanted something would tie in the dark red/orange and dark brown tile with the pastel peach floor and oak cabinets/walls. Plus I wanted to throw some green in there as an accent color. Although our little log house screams for "kitschy cabin" or "southwest styling", with all the testosterone I'm surrounded by, I'm a romantic gardener at heart and I virtually lust after florals.

I guess lust is a bad word choice in this situation.

I finally found a great pattern with all the colors I wanted, plus lots of olive foilage in varying shades. Added a little dark burnt orange diamond fabric for trim, and I was good to go!

On Saturday night, when I was pressing the seams of the panels of the almost-completed shower curtain and minding my own damn business (and drinking my second rum and coke), a thought smacked me upside the head.

"Awww, CRAP!!" I exclaimed.

What's wrong? Hubby asked from the other room.


He was watching the final season of The West Wing on DVD. Not that this factoid is significant other than to point out that there is absolutely nothing but dreck on TV on Saturday night.

"Come here and look at this!"

I pointed out the calla lilies, all in shades of dark peach to dark red.

What's wrong with that?

"Don't they look almost obscene? They're like VULVULARIC!!"

WHAT are you talking about? Is that even a real word?

"I've got little vulvas all over my shower curtain! I CANNOT believe I didn't see this when I picked it!"

Are you serious? I never would have noticed if you hadn't pointed it out!


"I should look for something else. Something southwestern, maybe."

Hubby gave me a hug. You're tired. It's a beautiful fabric. The colors are perfect.

I was close to tears (like I said, it had been a long week. Add hormonal and buzzed to the mix and you never know what is going to come flying out of my mouth).

"I just don't want our guests to sit on the can, look around, and say, Oh My God, this bathroom is teeming with TW*Ts!"

He choked.


I wish you hadn't said that. I'm never going to be able to get that image out of my brain...

On Sunday, after a good night's sleep, I was feeling a little better. Better enough to try to weedle new knobs and back plates out of the old man for the cabinets.

"Look at how much money we saved! It won't look finished with the old beat-up ones!"

He agreed. So I googled.

It's amazing how much this stuff adds up. You can look at a knob and think, "wow, 6 bucks, not too bad". Until you multiply it by 10. Ouch!

I found a back plate that I liked, and then 3 knobs with the same finish, all at a reasonably low price. The back plate has a leaf design, which I thought would go nice with the floral motif.




I asked hubby to come check out the knobs, because hey---you have to pretend they have SOME decision-making power---out of the 3 finalists.





He wasn't too jazzed with any of them. They look like they'd be hard to clean.

I snorted.

"Uh yeah---how much time have YOU spent polishing knobs?"

Forget I said that. Another poor choice of words.

At the bottom of the page was the other knobs I rejected in the "previously viewed" section.

I really like this one, he said.



"Are you nuts? It looks like a boob! It has a nipple on it!"

Mr. Smartybritches replied, But I thought it would fit in with your "motif"! Tw*ts AND T*ts, right?

Luckily for him, he's fast on his feet.

Or my bunny slipper of doom would have bounced off the back of his head on his way out the door!


38 comments:

Scully said...

hubby agrees...they look like little vaginas all over the place...on the bright side...I love the tile...

Mamma said...

I need a bunny slipper of doom! It sounds so good an ominous!!!!

I love the fabric you chose and the backplates. I'm partial to the flower or oval knobs myself.

So jealous of your new oasis. Enjoy and good luck on your exams/assignments.

Dorky Dad said...

I'd just make my wife pick the knobs, personally. I have no opinion on knobs. None whatsoever.

mia said...

LOVE the tile! It's beeuteeful dahling! I even like the twat-o-plenty shower curtain.

kim said...

teehee he said knobs!

cute bathroom :) nice little extra touches :)

DutchBitch said...

Hm.... so that is what US vulva's look like? O... K... what is the purpose of the little white thingy in there? *grin*

Annie Drogynous said...

Right now, snot is dripping from my computer screen, I laughed so hard at the posts. Teaming with Twats. Polishing knobs. OMG!

You still made a nice choice on the fabric regardless and we can only hope that no one will notice the twats on your curtain. I noticed and I'm still laughing.

Christi said...

Well, geez, when you POINT THEM OUT like that, of course we're gonna notice.

Oh, and laughing with a cold? Not recommended.

The tile's GORGEOUS, btw.

Brenda said...

If you don't mention the shower curtain twats no one else will I betcha.

Great Post!

Me said...

You made your own shower curtains...how cool are you? and Tw*ts and T*ts ... snork ... hee

Trish said...

Aw hon...leave the fabric up! it'll be your and hubs little inside joke.

I need to drink more rum and cokes. LOL

Deb said...

I think the fabric is great, besides only you would notice such a thing!

Enjoy the lovely new bathroom! Where do I get the bunny slippers of doom at? they sound handy!

Beth said...

Fabulous - you have a husband who can match you in the "t*t for tw*t" department!
Go with the shower curtains but DO NOT point out - to anyone - the "extra" features. That's all they'll ever see...

Blogarita said...

All you need now is a nice Georgia O Keefe print.

100 Words said...

All you need now are a couple of plugholes that look like sphincters ...

Kim Ayres said...

According to some psychoanalyst or another, there's always a reason for our unconscious choices.

Of course I'm not a psychoanalyst so I'm not even going to attempt to figure out why you've covered your bathroom with twats, tits and knobs

Nikki said...

LMAO

Attila's house of porn.

Stinkypaw said...

Nice work! So what if you're known as the "Tw*ts AND T*ts" house? It looks good and if YOU can enjoy laying there, all wet, among all those "Tw*ts AND T*ts" - go for it!

That almost sounded bad? Didn't it?

Seriously, I think it is lovely! ;-)

Jennifer said...

I'm still waiting for my bathroom reno. As soon as my dh secures a new job we can get on it. The current bathroom is what came with the house and it's disgusting. The previous owner used a ton of caulking to glue laminate flooring all over the walls. The tub and toilet are pink, there isn't any flooring. It's disgusting.

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Your newly refurbished bathroom sounds absolutely marvelous! It’s amazing how attention to detail (drawer pulls) can pull a room together, isn’t it? I’d have never associated the flower print on your shower curtain with body parts but glancing at the overall design quickly and staring at it while you’re ironing are two different things.

“45 minutes of silence and bath salts is the psychological balm equivalent to 2 boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s with whipped cream and cherries”?? You don’t need me to post pictures of food to indulge in your own personal fantasies of fat heaven! Ha!

I’m glad that your remodeling is moving along smoothly and quickly for you. You are going to post pictures when it’s completed, aren’t you?

Mel said...

Gawdamighty! You had me cracking up over here!!!

I have no comment to add to this that would even come close to the hysterically funny that was this post.

Sheesh.

Still LMAO...

mist1 said...

All the little screws on my light fixtures look like nipples. It drives me crazy.

Heather said...

I love the new tub.
The wallpaper does look kinda like a tw@t. tee hee.
:] ♥

Sven said...

This reminds me of the old joke about the therapist asking his client to identify the drawings the makes in the sand.

He traces the outline of a house and asks the client, "What do you see?"

He replies, "Sex."

Next he draws a tree. "How about this?"

Again he says, "Sex."

This goes on for quite a while no matter what sort of sand picture the therapist draws the client always give the same response. Now therapist is getting pretty frustrated so he asks the client, "Every time you answer 'sex', what gives?"

"Well Doc," he replies, "You're the one drawing the dirty pictures!"

Grim Reality Girl said...

Beatutiful -- and with a theme no less! What man would not be proud to have a tw*ts and t*ts master bath?

Kevin Charnas said...

vulvas and knobs, vulvas and knobs...Attila, this was a post after my own heart. my big sick-o pervie heart and I'm glad that I'm in good company. ;)

p.s. the big guy is right, it looks like a boob.

Lotta said...

You are cracking me up! Snort. Really!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

It seems as though your beloved is as helpful as Mr. Mayhem! I suppose we should know better than to ask their opinions, by now! I still think the fabric is pretty. If you can resist the urge to tell everyone this story, it might be possible to still use it. However, if you are anything like me.....you won't be able to resist that urge....so you may need to change it! Tub looks awesome!

Gonzo said...

I love the bath and the tiles!!!

And the knobs: LOL LOL LOL!!!

Michele said...

Ok, I make my way through your whole entry and what am I left with? I WANT A BUNNY SLIPPER OF DOOM! I really really want one just so I can say it to my husband. "Don't MAKE me bring out the bunny slipper of doom!" Or I can abbreviate it - "Don't MAKE me bring out the BSOD!"

Samantha said...

You two have the best conversations!

Pendullum said...

Boobs and Vaginas... I am howling... Just howling here...
And I can just imagine how many Google searches are going to find YOU this week...
I am off to laugh some more...
So when are we all invited over for a day at the spa???
I think I could deal with a spa which serves Ben and Jerries with Whip cream... and Mac and cheese!!!

That bathroom is gorgeous,,, Boobs Vaginas and all!!

Miss Keeks said...

They really do look like tw*ts.
Incidentally, in England--tw*t is pronounced like hat--very flat A! It's adorable.

Vaginas aside--the new bathroom looks great!! I'm going to have to send a something with which to enjoy this!!

(I liked the nipple knobs the best too)

Brenda said...

Are ye outta that tub yet?

Terri said...

Lordy!!!!

fatman said...

I liked the boob and nipple knob!

Now there's a sentence I never expected to write. lol

carmachu said...

Looks great! I still havent downloaded my pics...

lildb said...

awesome.

and when can I borrow your tub, please?