Saturday, February 24, 2007

Attila's XXX-Rated continued....

Well I didn't decide to stay in the tub forever (ha ha, Brenda!), although it seemed like a good idea at the time!

Had a lot of assignments and a couple of exams due this week, had a sick kid, plus had to move my refrigerator into my living room and live without a kitchen for a few days (getting the new floor in). Everything has been a little crazy around the Attila house!

And ironically, right after my post about tw*ts, t*ts, and knobs, we had a revolting development.

My first bath went like this:

Me, at 5:15am, starting the water in my very very first bath in the new tub. So far, everyone is asleep, I have a cup of freshly-brewed coffee, my book, my bubbles and 45 minutes before I have to get the little guy up for school. I'm prepared for bliss!

Either the tub is making a hell of a lot of noise, or it's Bathtub Mommy Murphy's Law----the family senses that you have a moment to yourself and has to encroach on it, whether they were initially comatose or not.

Because it's wider and deeper, this tub is taking it's own sweet time filling up.

I hear Hubby get up and pour himself a cup of coffee. He then goes into HIS bathroom, which is back to back with this one. He blows his nose. He settles down for his morning java, New Yorker and bidness.

"Taking a bath?" he asks through the wall.

Yes. Oh HELL yes! Now shut up and let me enjoy this in peace.

"How's the new tub?"

Well now, I hadn't decided yet. Although it's 4 inches wider than the old one, I have just discovered that Kohler, for some odd/stupid reason (which wasn't shown or disclosed in the ad for the tub) has chosen to add 1 and 1/2 inch mini-ledges on the butt-end about half-way down each side of the tub.


What for? You can't grip them to help yourself out, and there is an enormous amount of calf room from side to side on the other end.

You'd think that maybe they'd realize the human heinie is wider than the foot-end. Except for cartoon characters, maybe. Or people with elephant legs.


What's the point of buying a bigger tub if the designer thinks everyone has a butt (or lack of one) like Kate Moss?

Now the 5-inch additional deeperness is cool. It makes me feel like a little kid inside a big cavern. Instead of having to lay down or splash water up to get the top half of my body wet, my breasts are just bob-bob-bobbing along like little seat cushions in the Atlantic after a plane crash.

In the middle of my musings, Big Kid knocks on the door. At 5:30am. I'd been in the tub for 4 measly minutes.

WHAT?????

"Mom, I have to use the bathroom!"

What??


"Mom, I really have to poop!"

What do you expect me to do about it?

"Could you like just close the curtain so I can come in?"

Men. Boys. Doods. Whatever are they thinking?

Like I want to bask nekkid in my first official bath in 9 days while my 20-year-old kid is on the other side of the curtain pinching logs.

I ask Hubby through the wall....are you almost done?

Grumble, groan and a couple of swear words. Then flushing. That solved.

A couple of minutes later there is a tapping on the door. 5:35am.

WHAT????

"Mom? Mommy?" This time it's the Little Guy, who is now up.

WHAT???

"Can I have the rest of the milk for my cereal?"

Yes, yes! Just go away!!

At some point during this first-bath fiasco, my brother has awoken, gotten his coffee, and gone downstairs to do some equipment arranging for the day's work.

He heard me hit the drain on the tub.

A couple of minutes later, he heard water splashing out onto the basement floor from some kind of overflow valve by the washer and dryer.

Apparently, the newer, wider pipes he installed with our bathroom plumbing---plus the pressure from the added depth--are a little too much for our older, narrower-piped septic system to handle.

And our old pipes are probably filled with all kinds of gunk as well.

So, our new bathroom not only has tw*ts, t*ts and knobs, but now we have to SNAKE THE DRAIN.

Life is kind of pervy sometimes, isn't it?

Pics of everything next week, I promise!



10 comments:

Beth said...

Once upon a time there were certain young women who grew up to be modest and gentile. And then they married - and produced male offspring.
Modesty, privacy and gentility are distant memories...
I hear ya!
(Actually, it's really only the privacy I miss.)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Sister! It would seem you cannot win for losing!

The Princess had the audacity to do the potty thing to me once. I am attempting to bask in relaxation in my garden tub when I am interrupted by her barging in the room. ( This is not an unusual occurence) She demands use of the potty and procedes to STINK IT UP! Now, I can't even smell the fragrant bath salts over the stench of sh*t in the room!
Indignant, I quickly removed myself from that stinky situation!

KIDS! UGH! Hope you get all the kinks worked out and find that relaxation you so greatly deserve soon!

Rootietoot said...

Dammit!~ It's always something!
And, re the boys, I feel your pain. Why do their bowels always move when you're in the tub? It's not fair.

Maybe your husband can take them Out Somewhere for an hour, and you can float in bliss then. Once the pipes are fixed.

Did you decide on the t*t knobs?

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Scary as this might sound....I just had an epiphany about a joke this post reminded me of from junior high........

WARNING: LAME JOKE AHEAD!

What song does Dolly Parton sing in the bathtub?

"Islands in a Stream"

(hee-hee)

I'll be here all week!

Brenda said...

I have been where you are, thought I'd gotten past it, then along comes Zach and it starts all over. I reckon the first privacy I'll get is when they put me in a box.

I'm very relieved that you didn't stay in the tub so long that you got those water wrinkles. :-)

Ben said...

Alright, I just let out a huge puff of gasbag on my site. Someone had a really cool fart banner with two people bent over--I can't get it to appear for some reason. Know the one I'm talking about? Got one that works?

DutchBitch said...

OMG!!! That sucks!!!

And it's moments like this that I prize myself lucky I only have ONE kid and NO husband to knock on the door... LOL

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Your remodel is beginning to sound like a bit of a nightmare at the present time. At least the drainage problem occurred BEFORE you had the new flooring installed. I’m looking forward to seeing the “after” pictures. Your log walls are awesome!

Maybe after it’s all over, you’ll be able to take a leisurely bath in peace and quiet...have you considered a deadbolt for the bathroom door?

Annie Drogynous said...

Freakin' pipes. My kids like to clog ours all the time.

Mamma said...

Oh how annoying. And what are you doing in the tub so damn early? You can't drink wine in the tub at that time of the day!! Well you can I guess...

Maybe if you fill the room full of tampons they won't want to come in.