Monday, February 26, 2007

American Midol; Where it's Good to be Bad/Week 1

Welcome to Week One of the American Midol---If I'm Not Happy, Nobody's Happy Really Bad Poetry Contest!

8 Brave Souls jumped in for the first round. Thank you all!

Don't forget that this Wednesday the 28th at midnight (any time zone) is the deadline to enter for Week 2. For rules, prizes, and other fine print, go here.

Vote for your favorite bad poet! The comments section is open until midnight next Monday for audience participation in this round. The rules are as follows:

1). Each reader vote counts as 1/2 a point.
2). Readers may only vote once each round/week.
3). Anonymous comments/votes will not be counted and will be deleted unless the author provides their blog url with their vote.

A special welcome to our judges!

Mr. Fabulous


Pointless Drivel

Annie Drogynous


It Puts the Lotion in the Basket...



Backwards in High Heels

Ma Titwonky


Enema Portal for Groan Ups

Now, on with the show!!

Contestant #1

Luin from Faerytale Dreams

The Inner Thoughts...

Some forty miles per hour signs do say
So why does speed elude your fucking grasp???
That's it. You're done. Move out the fucking way.
You've luck. Your neck, in my hands I would clasp.

And where and when where you made fucking Queen?
To sit and act superior to me,
You're lucky, don't you know, that I'm not mean
Polite, a hidden bitch, I'll always be.

Remember when you voice a stupid thought
I'll always think inside that you're a twit.
And when you let a fart, please know you're caught
You're ass, I'll spray it down with reneuzit.

'Cause I am strong, I am invincible
You mess with me you face the crucible.

Mr. Fab: It's completely appropriate that the author mentions The Crucible because I'd like to burn him or her at the stake. If I'm being honest, this is completely incomprehensible to me, like trying to hold a conversation with a monkey with a speech impediment. I give it an 8. Truly wretched.

Annie: Yeah but Fab, they said twat so that's gotta' count for something. Oh wait...that's twit. Nevermind. I'll give it a 7.

Beki: My mind wandered as I read 'fucking Queen' as it gave me unpleasant visions of my Monarch engaging in marital relationships. Another sign of my Englishness is as you wrote about the Crucible my mind wandered again. The Crucible is a venue in England where we hold snooker finals (Snooker is a more complicated version of pool played by men dressed like Spanish waiters). Very bad so I'd score it 6 but add an extra two points for the mental anguish caused me, a total of 8.

Ma Titwonky: Well, of course it's incomprehensible to you, Mr Fab -- you're a guy! This poem goes to the very heart of women's angst. I'm particularly impressed with the reference to renuzit. I'd give this one a 4 because it speaks to me so strongly, and I'm adding 4 more points for an 8 total because this was almost a religious experience.

Total for badness: 31 points

Contestant #2
Michelle from Jazz Coffee

Big Brother
Stop watching me
I'm shy!

Mr. Fab: And I'm blind, or I wish I was so I didn't have to read this. They say that brevity is the soul of wit, but it turns out "they" were wrong. I'd have to give it a 5. It's bad, but it didn't move me to the point where I was contemplating jamming my tongue into a light socket.

Annie: See, now I liked this one and I hate Haikus with a total passion so that's one of the reasons I gave it only a 3 because I thought it was too good to be bad. However, I'm tempted to take away those 3 points just because I hate the author for making me like it.

Mr. Fab: Annie, darling, that is not a Haiku. Are you back on the crystal meth, dear?

Beki: Disappointingly this made total sense to me. Score 4

Ma Titwonky: I'll give this one a 7 for the mental imagery alone. It's also short which means I could memorize it if I had to. Which I don't, but I'm just sayin'. Definitely a 7.

Total for badness: 19 points

Contestant #3

From Fatman at NuclearFamily

There was a young lady from Paris
Who said, "Does my bum look big in this?"
Her man was too slow
With his "no, no, no"
And now he's pushing up daisies.

Mr. Fab: A truly horrible limerick deserving of a 7. I actually started to bleed out of my eyes while reading this. There is nothing on the Visine label that mentions what to do about that...

Annie: Fab, I'm with you on this one. I almost wished my coffee had arsenic in it; I was so upset that I had to read this. I give it 7 points as well.

Beki: The construction of this limerick is as bad as the first piggy's house, yet the sentiment is well-placed. Score 6

Ma Titwonky: This would have been easier to read without all that eye blood dripping from every word, but I managed to make out the entire text. This one was terrible enough to make my toenails curl up and hide in the hair on my legs. I give it an 8.

Total for badness: 28 points

Contestant #4

I sat on the toilet
And fell through the seat.
I got water on my hiney
And it dripped to my feet.

I cursed and swore
until you came to check.
You asked what was wrong,
and I punched you in the neck.

Something so simple
should be easy to do
Yet you are a moron
When it comes to the loo.

I called someone
To get you back.
As it turned out
His name was Jack.

I married a jerk
It is such a bummer.
But I got my revenge,
When I screwed the plumber.

Mr. Fab: No surprise here that there are no words with more than two syllables. It's definitely not good, but it's not as bad as I had hoped either. I feel like I do when I am brought to the brink of orgasm and then denied. I give it a 6, but I had hopes for so much worse.

Annie: The author had me at "I got water on my hiney". I'm giving you a 6 on the suckage scale. And then I'm giving you an extra point for your violent tendencies. You show him who's boss, Baby! Total of 7.

Beki: Oh dear, oh dear. This is rather good. In another form it could be a scene from King of Queens. I'm looking for bad and this is just stale with no sign of pin mould. Score 5.

Ma Titwonky: I love tails of revenge, and I would have given this one a 5 if it hadn't had that godawful parting image of butt crack. Definitely a 7.

Total for badness: 25 points
Contestant #5

Kate from Itisi

A woman of a certain age,
Sought the wisdom of a sage,
"Oh tell me why, wise one" she asked,
"In my darling's love I once did bask
Back in the days when young and slim,
But now I age, his love grows dim?"

"Dear lady," said the sage so wise,
"I see the pain which fills your eyes.
I promise you, your point is moot,
His love for you is resolute.
His heart is not the problem here,
Look farther south for answers, dear".

The woman thought, what did he mean?
She racked her brains, her senses keen.
And then at last it all was clear,
And resolution very near,
She knew the reason for his droop,
So placed Viagra in his soup.

Mr. Fab: Here's the problem: it's actually pretty good. In fact, I got a little starch in my pencil when I was reading it. It's not worth more than a 3 for badness, but I give it another 4 because it's funny and I can relate: it's been a while since I felt much down there as a total of 7 and I've got half a chubby.

Annie: Again, I have to agree with Fab. I gave it a 2 because I just wasn't feeling the badness but I'm feeling generous today so I'll give it 3 more because it caused me to snot out a huge booger at the last line. Total of 5.

Beki: This hardly measures on the Richter scale of badness yet for humour the earth moved for me. Indeed I suspect it will be included on government health booklets regarding impotence in the near future. 2 for badness but 4 for making me smile, score 6

Ma Titwonky: See, now this is what's wrong with male perspective. There's always a chubby to deal with. I can only give this one a 5 because it's just not bad enough. Clever though, very clever.

Total for badness: 23 points

Contestant #6

Boy, does Post Partum Depression Suck
I wish I could get mad, but I have no truck
with the doctor, that cad
or the ambulance driver that was, to say it nicely, bad

But next time I'll know what to do
when the mailman tells me "The next Publishers Clearing House winner could be you."
I'll slam the door in his face
and put that sneaky sucker in his place

He didn't profess love undieing
nor did he ever stop trying
he looked at me with eyes so innocently
and I hadn't had any carnal attention recently

So I couldn't resist
and before I knew it I had been kissed
and it culminated in urgent lovin'
and putting a bun in the oven

Now what do I tell my husband true
this baby growing inside me belongs to you
never mind about your vascetomy
I know you've been meeting the preachers wife at the rectory.

Mr. Fab: Hmm...I'm torn here. I kind of like the last verse, but the rest of it looks like it was scraped off someone's shoe. The scheme is so off I felt like I was reading the literary equivalent of several speedbumps. I'm going to tack on an extra point for the last verse, added to a 6 for badness, for a total of 7.

Annie: This one made me want to grab a spoon and scoop out my own uterus. Anyone got one handy?! I'll give you a 7, too.

Ma Titwonky: I don't have a spoon big enough for that. Would a snow blower do?

Beki: I feel positively dirty after reading this torrid prose of gut wrenching darkness put together with less structure than a jelly fish. Score 7

Ma Titwonky: This one's kinda all over the place, but it does stick to the general theme of post-partum depression, and by the time I got to the end I could see Tom Cruise bashing Brooke Shields and arguing with Matt Lauer. It's also pretty darn terrible, so I give it an 8.

Total for badness: 29 points

Contestant #7

From Jennifer, A Rambling Canuck

A Woman's Woe
by Jennifer B.

First comes our little red friend
if she's bad, you'll be wearing depends

monthly, she brings gifts of pain and bad moods
as well as a craving for fattening chocolately foods.

Next comes pregnancy, labour and birth
this is where you really prove your worth

nine months of nausea, aches and swelling feet
never-ending labour that will grind your teeth

Years later when life is getting good
menopause tears away your womanhood

Now it's all about mood swings, hot flashes and low sex drive
weight gain, depression. What's the point in being alive?

With all the issues women have to deal with,
and men wonder why we are so crazy.

Mr. Fab: I don't know if the other judges will find this piece as amusing as I did, but as a man I take a lot of pleasure in all the crap that you chicks go through. It's not as horrible as it could have been. I was going to give it a 5, but I am adding one point for what seems to have been an attempt to rhyme "with" and "crazy", so a total of 6.

Annie: Holy crap! I'll give you an 8 if you promise to step away from that ledge!

Beki: After reading this I had to up my own medication dose and contemplate gender reassignment. Sadly the construction was quite good until the last rhyme when the writer reeled back in crapness. Score 7

Ma Titwonky: I actually wept while reading this one for the accuracy and resonance of the descriptions of life as most women know it. Amusing? Yeah, well, I find my humor in prostate examinations. Just puts me away every time I hear about one. A life goal is to actually see one in progress...but I digress. This one just doesn't meet the standard for godawful terrible so I give it a 5, but add 2 points for depth and reality for a total of 7.

Total for badness: 28 points

Contestant #8

Beth from Books, Etc.

It’s My Life (And I’ll Cry If I Want To)

The blushing bride — all dressed in white.
The loving couple — their smiles so bright…

Fast forward now — ten years or so
I’m kinda’ drowning — feeling low.

Changing diapers, wiping butts
This is a life? I must be nuts.

I need some sleep, I need a pill
Some time for me, some time to chill.

Cooking, cleaning — God, I’m great.
‘Cause all this crap I really hate.

The spouse comes home — it’s his turn now.
Let’s hit the sack and fake a “wow.”

I’m now in sweats, no stylin’ here
All’s I’m gettin’ is the old Bronx cheer.

The wrinkles come, the boobs hang low
I need a fix. Botox? God, no!

But all in all, despite the hell
I can’t complain — my life’s been swell…

For every crappy job above,
I get back …a whole lotta love…

(With acknowledgement to Led Zeppelin.)

Mr. Fab: I'd like to acknowledge Led Zeppelin too, as one of the most overrated bands ever. I could go either way on this least it rhymes....I have to give it a 5. I don't really feel strongly either way, kind of like the time I let a guy blow me. As long as I didn't look down, it was okay. Yeah, just a 5.

Annie: This one reminds me of the time my Grandma Nettie made me eat chicken livers. I cried. I'm giving you an 8.

Beki: This didn't truly waste my time though I hate to think too much ink and paper was wasted in its writing. The poem warrants a score of 5 but I shall give an extra two points - one for each of the sagging breasts as that hit home. Score 7

Ma Titwonky: Hey, Fab! We agreed we'd keep bragging rights and personal achievements strictly on our journals. This one almost had me until I got to the part about the whole lotta love. That made me think of the wise words of Tina Turner, "What's Love Got To Do With It?" so while I was going to give this one an 8, I have to subtract 2 points (for the Blech Factor) for a total of 6.

Total for badness: 26 points

That's it for Week 1 of American Midol, When I'm Not Happy, Nobody's Happy! Really Bad poetry contest! The comments section will be open for voting until midnight next Sunday----vote for your favorite poem!

Don't forget that Wednesday is the deadline for new entries for the next round.

This is your hostess Attila the Mom reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered. And pick up those socks! And sit up straight! And...

If you're fans of the original Idol, please visit the folks at American Midol the blog---a source for news, gossip and snarky good fun. They were gracious enough to allow me to use the title for my contest name instead of ripping my arm off and beating me over the head with it for not doing a blog search first. Many thanks to them!


nutty mummy said...

I vote for FATMAN!!

nutty mummy said...

hmmm. did it save my url?

Kate said...

Should I throw a starlet-like tantrum now? It is bad I tell you, it is bad LOL Actually, I wrote another that was even less bad - it scanned and everything.

I do like Beth's, not only it is funny, she gets a Led Zep mention in - that gets my vote!

Kate said...

ps: Am I allowed to vote for the other contenders?

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
I think all eight contestants deserve a prize for their contributions to the “bad poetry” contest! All of them were exceedingly funny, witty and brave to publish their verses.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I vote for "A Roaming Canuck" Thanks for reminding me how much it sucks to be a woman! :)

Beth said...

Thanks for the vote, Kate.
And if we are allowed to vote for the other contenders, you get my vote.
I actually liked your poem - I think it took some effort (it rhymed) AND it was funny.

shirley said...

Oh shizz, I'm supposed to have my pets spayed & neutered? I thought they had to be sprayed by Nader... uh-oh!

Brenda said...

Now if they'd had some of that poetry in the old high school literature book I might have paid more attention to it.

Well done! I think they all deserve a prize!

Attila The Mom said...

Kate, Beth, of course you're allowed to vote!

Beccy said...

Fatman all the way!

fatman said...

Thanks for the vote Nutty and Beccy!!
This is a such good fun!!!! :)

Jennifer said...

I vote for Michelle!

The Editor in Chief (it's weird what some parents will name their child) said...

I vote Fatman

Star said...

I vote for Fatman

fatman said...

Thanks Editor, thanks Star. Much appreciated!

by the way Star, I tried to come visit your blog but I don't know where to find it! Let me know

Terri said...

Oh my,
I have to come back and read when I have more time!!


mia said...

I liked Beths poem the most. I liked Fat Man's the least. Does that mean my vote goes to Fat Man? Crap.I hate being confused.