Wednesday, March 21, 2007

American Midol Really Bad Poetry Contest---Final Round!


Welcome to the finalist round of American Midol; If I'm not Happy, Nobody's Happy Really Really Bad Poetry Contest!

In our last week YOU get to vote for your favorite bad poem in the comments section. Deadline for voting is Wednesday, March 28.

Rules that apply:

1). Each reader vote counts as 1/2 a point.
2). Readers may only vote once this round.
3). Anonymous comments/votes will not be counted and will be deleted unless the author provides their blog url with their vote.

For contestant rules, prizes, and other fine print, go
here .

Many thanks to our judges,
Mr. Fabulous , Beki, Annie Drogynous and Ma Titwonky for getting us this far!

Now, on to our last round!

Contestant #1

Luin from
Faerytale Dreams

The Inner Thoughts...

Some forty miles per hour signs do say
So why does speed elude your fucking grasp???
That's it. You're done. Move out the fucking way.
You've luck. Your neck, in my hands I would clasp.

And where and when where you made fucking Queen?
To sit and act superior to me,
You're lucky, don't you know, that I'm not mean
Polite, a hidden bitch, I'll always be.

Remember when you voice a stupid thought
I'll always think inside that you're a twit.
And when you let a fart, please know you're caught
You're ass, I'll spray it down with reneuzit.

'Cause I am strong, I am invincible
You mess with me you face the crucible.

Total points for badness so far: 31

Contestant #3

From Fatman at
NuclearFamily

There was a young lady from Paris
Who said, "Does my bum look big in this?"
Her man was too slow
With his "no, no, no"
And now he's pushing up daisies.

Total points for badness so far: 30 1/2

Contestant #4

From
Excited Blutterances

I sat on the toilet
And fell through the seat.
I got water on my hiney
And it dripped to my feet.

I cursed and swore
until you came to check.
You asked what was wrong,
and I punched you in the neck.

Something so simple
should be easy to do
Yet you are a moron
When it comes to the loo.

I called someone
To get you back.
As itt turned out
His name was Jack.

I married a jerk
It is such a bummer.
But I got my revenge,
When I screwed the plumber.

Total points for badness so far: 25

Contestant #6

From Nikki at
Everybody Can Just Bite My Ass

Boy, does Post Partum Depression Suck
I wish I could get mad, but I have no truck
with the doctor, that cad
or the ambulance driver that was, to say it nicely, bad

But next time I'll know what to do
when the mailman tells me "The next Publishers Clearing House winner could be you."
I'll slam the door in his face
and put that sneaky sucker in his place

He didn't profess love undieing
nor did he ever stop trying
he looked at me with eyes so innocently
and I hadn't had any carnal attention recently

So I couldn't resist
and before I knew it I had been kissed
and it culminated in urgent lovin'
and putting a bun in the oven

Now what do I tell my husband true
this baby growing inside me belongs to you
never mind about your vascetomy
I know you've been meeting the preachers wife at the rectory.

Total points for badness so far: 29

Contestant #7

Jennifer, at
A Rambling Canuck

A Woman's Woe
by Jennifer B.

First comes our little red friend
if she's bad, you'll be wearing depends

monthly, she brings gifts of pain and bad moods
as well as a craving for fattening chocolately foods.

Next comes pregnancy, labour and birth
this is where you really prove your worth

nine months of nausea, aches and swelling feet
never-ending labour that will grind your teeth

Years later when life is getting good
menopause tears away your womanhood

Now it's all about mood swings, hot flashes and low sex drive
weight gain, depression. What's the point in being alive?

With all the issues women have to deal with,
and men wonder why we are so crazy.

Total points for badness so far: 28 1/2

Contestant #8

Beth from
Books, Etc.

It’s My Life (And I’ll Cry If I Want To)

The blushing bride — all dressed in white.
The loving couple — their smiles so bright…

Fast forward now — ten years or so
I’m kinda’ drowning — feeling low.

Changing diapers, wiping butts
This is a life? I must be nuts.

I need some sleep, I need a pill
Some time for me, some time to chill.

Cooking, cleaning — God, I’m great.
‘Cause all this crap I really hate.

The spouse comes home — it’s his turn now.
Let’s hit the sack and fake a “wow.”

I’m now in sweats, no stylin’ here
All’s I’m gettin’ is the old Bronx cheer.

The wrinkles come, the boobs hang low
I need a fix. Botox? God, no!

But all in all, despite the hell
I can’t complain — my life’s been swell…

For every crappy job above,
I get back …a whole lotta love…

(With acknowledgement to Led Zeppelin.)

Total points for badness so far: 26 1/2

Contestant #10

Miss Keeks

Hypodermic Needle Blues Haiku

Poor old cat Oscar
suffers from kidney failure
saline injections

Miss Keeks loves him so
she jabs him with the needle
It is really gross

Tragedy occurs!!!
She stabs herself with needle
that was in Oscar

Her finger is numb
from the last joint up, so weird
she has nerve damage

but, worse than that... now
she wants to sleep day and night
and lick Oscar's butt.

note: Miss Keeks doesn't really want to lick Oscar's butt, but she has noticed her two cats licking each other there.

Total points for badness so far: 33 1/2

Contestant #11

Mia, from
Mia's Saving Grace

There once was a girl named Atilla,
whose new bathroom smelled like vanilla.

The curtain she hung with such love and care
sporting a bountiful twattish good flair.

The knobs that she chose resembled a tit,
they kept with the theme and were such a good fit!

Aside from her PMS bunny slipper wrath,
theres one thing quite funny about this new bath

I'm sure if you read her hilarious blog,
you may not need a memory jog.

Just to be safe I will tell you for certain,
because it isn't the fanciful x -rated curtain.

Nor the boob knobs that make this new bathroom a hit.
It's the true natural beauty of her Bronco blue shit.

Total points for badness so far: 26 1/2

Contestant #12

Sarala, from
Blogaway

Labor

Stick a fork in your eyeball and twist.
Drop a bowling ball on your toe.
Jump out the window stark naked
Not noticing cacti below.

Start a fight with the Terminator,
Swallow red hot lava.
Swim with an angry alligator.
Scald your tongue on java.

Amputate a limb with a plastic knife.
Set yourself on fire.
Have the time of your life,
Chewing on barbed wire.

So if this poem has you annoyed,
Do away with nights of passion.
All the labor you'll avoid.
Nor ever suffer in this fashion.

Total points for badness so far: 32

Contestant #14

WarCryGirl from
The Cure for Boredom

Ode to Poop

Oh poop, with your ever changing color, changing like the seasons,
brown, green, yellow and the occasional orange;
Your creaminess and bouquet, sometimes tangy bringing tears to the eyes,
sometimes fruity yet always satisfying.

Poop you amaze me, with your textures, sometimes nutty, sometimes lumpy,
sometimes smooth as ice cream. How I love you, poop, yet sometimes you do not love me back, with the cramps and the ability to clear a room.

Why have you forsaken me, Poop!

And yet and I know no matter how long it has been since I've seen you,
I know you'll be back, making me wipe over and over and over and over,
like slowing down to gawk at a car accident. You don't want to look...and yet you do.

I will always remember you, Poop.

Total points for badness so far: 31 1/2

Contestant #16

One Ear, from
Rusty Never Sleeps

Petroleum jelly of mine,
Golly gee you are mighty fine.
I wish I weren’t addicted
To your big, oily honey pot.

I would kill just to have
Your lubricating salve
On my hands that are constricted
On my regions blood-filled and hot.

Total points for badness so far: 25

Thanks so much for everybody who participated!!

16 comments:

Leon said...

As my duty as the loving, caring husband of Ms. Rambling Cannuck,(#7) I would like to cast a vote in her favour... I also thought her poem was rather witty as well as somewhat shitty! I still think that my peom was worst though.

100 Words said...

Can I vote for Heather Mills? Please? Please?

Oh all right then. I think you saved the worst until last

Gonzo said...

Thanks for the very big smile upon my face! I needed that! :D

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Contestant #1 is my favorite. I think it was the passing gas and Renuzit that sold me!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Never has so much suck been gathered together in one place...

Jennifer said...

I vote for One Ear.

The Editor in Chief (it's weird what some parents will name their child) said...

I vote for Fatman

Mrs HoJo said...

Definately the Fatman :o)

xc

Little Nut Tree said...

Fatman Fatman Fatman!! Fatman all the way!!!!

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Miss Keeks far and away!!

Beccy said...

Another vote for fatman!

beebread-florin said...

I love to write
It is such a bummer
In order to win
I need to be much dumber.

Malnurtured Snay said...

I vote for Fatman. Christ that shit was awful! ;)

Student of Life said...

Fatman all the way!

Star said...

a vote for Fatmen.

Beki said...

It's truly been a wonderful experience - thank you for including me :o)