Over the weekend, Cassandra Jones, 42, of Connecticut was arrested trying to smuggle heroin, some unidentified pills and a scalpel to her husband, who is serving a 25-years-to-life sentence in prison.
Up her you-know-what.
Disguised by a tampon.
That must have been some freaking tampon!
Believe you me, there is absolutely no man on earth worth putting a scalpel up my privates for.
No how. No way.
Honey, I love you, but if you're going to be IN the poky instead of giving ME the poky for 25+ years, there's not a snowball's chance in Hades that I'm going to risk a do-it-yourself hysterectomy.
"Washington County District Attorney Kevin Kortright, who has prosecuted hundreds of prison contraband cases, said he's seen everything from snack cakes to typewriters used by visitors to try to secrete drugs, weapons and other contraband."
Ok, I can theoretically imagine someone sticking a Ho-ho up their hoo-hoo, but a typewriter? Great googly-moogly! How is that possible?
Wait a minute. I read that wrong.
The most disturbing thing about this scenario?
Jones is a 3rd grade teacher.
How scary is that?