Friday, March 31, 2006

Taking Care Of Business, Part 2

I got my first complaint letter. Over a toilet seat, no less.

Dear Madam,

I am urinated off. On your toiletetty essay, I asked a legitimate question. To wit: Why don't women put the seat up for US? You ignored it and made an alternative smart-ass remark.

My complaint is this. I have asked the same legitimate question of other women AND I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN AN ANSWER. You FEMALES refuse to answer it. Every one of you pushes your IGNORE button.

So who died and made YOU the Queen of the Bathroom?


I took a squirt on the lid again

Dear Sir Squirt,

It's my blog. I can make any kind of alternative smart-ass comments I want. So there.

I will however, turn off the mute button for a moment to answer your questions.

1. Toilet seats have lids for a reason. They're not there to decorate the front of the tank.

2. My husband aims quite well. My sons aren't so great at it. Unless you wipe the rim after each use, others risk having to view stray drops or even worse, a stray drop with a pube stuck in it.

It's especially nasty (and embarrassing) if it's in a bathroom that guests also use.

3. Lids keep pets from drinking toilet water, especially if someone hasn't (gak!) flushed, or if you use those fizzy blue tablets with bleach in the bowl. And they keep small children from falling in.

4. It's common sense. You turn the light on, you turn it off when you're done. You open the door to go out, and close it behind you. You lift the seat/lid up, you put it down when you're done. What's so hard about that? Were you born in a barn? Huh? Were ya?

5. Women use the seat down to do #1 and #2.

Men (hopefully) use the seat down to do #2 and usually do a #1 when they do a #2, because it would be pretty freaking stoopid to drop a load and then stand up and turn around and lift the seat to make one's bladder gladder, now wouldn't it?

But then again, you're men. What do I know?

So theoretically, 3/4 of the time the toilet seat is used down. Why subject someone you love to pure inconsideration for the other 1/4?

And I bet dollars to donuts that the next time you race in the bathroom after eating one of Bubba's Belly Buster Burritos, you'll be happy we don't leave the seat up for ya.

6. My husband hopes to have sex with me sometime in the next century. Damn right he made me Queen.


Attila the Mom


Charlie said...

Mom: I just can't believe the inconsiderate asshole who wrote that letter!

Attila The Mom said...

Me either. I'll betcha 10 bucks that his wife is planning to kill him and go play bingo.

petunia said...

You expect something else from the sex that smell their clothes to see if they can wear them "just one more time", let mushrooms grow in the shower, and compete with their freinds about who can fart the loudest??
Don;t be too hard on the poor shmucks out there, they really don;t understand reason.

...jus me said...

OMG...I think I have found a new blog! I sooooo totally agree! I love your answer to him...I read it to my hubby! He has asked me many times why I don't put it up for him! He better not ask again! lol
Thanks for the nice comment on my blog.

CoffeeBigPlz said...

Ya' know the dud on the seat looks a bit like Buddy Holly dontcha think?

Thanks for stopping by.
I will be back here.

You are funny.

Kim Ayres said...

In my own house I put the seat and lid down because I don't trust the kids not to knock my toothbrush off the shelf. In other people's houses I lift it when going for a pee and place it back however I found it - straight forward courtesy I think.

What I really hate though is people who have toilets where the seat won't stay up! either the person installing it had the cistern too far forward, or some silly sod has put one of those fluffy covers on the lid so that it falls forward again the moment you let go.

shirley said...

LOL - Attila - you are funny and clever and I am stealing your answers if any man ever asks me about the toilet seat!

Meg said...

I salute you, ATM. You are a goddess.

debbiecakes said...

Okay, Attila, I'm about die over in the world did I miss the TCB post? I just read the last 2 posts and I'm on my ass laughing.

"drop of piss with a pube stuck to it" EWWWWW! But so true. Blech! Why do we have sex with these creatures. Even the most manly butch lesbian would never leave that on the rim-'course, she'd have left the seat down.

Rule in my house is the LID has to be down. Flushed or not, I don't appreciate looking into an open toilet when I walk in the bathroom. I've taught my 3 yr old son this. And he will make a wonderful, potty-polite husband one day.

Um, long enough?

phlegmfatale said...

damn skippy!


I'm cool with the seat and lid down.
Bathroom smells better in the long run, whichever way you look at it. It's meant to be better karma keeping your life and your shit with as many barriers between them as possible, and that's gotta make sense.
However, if it's a guy-only house and the woman is the visitor, I think she should get over it. There's more important things to talk about, and you are a guest.
As for the seats not staying up - this is a key issue. I notice women who have toilets like this (rarely guys) and it's just asking for trouble. Especially when drunk ;-)

Anonymous said...

Attila-All men should be relegated to the outhouse and leave the nice clean Powder Room to the ladies. Most men wouldn't know dirt if it hit them in the face (or any other area). Outdoor plumbing is fine for them!

Phil said...

I hate to admit it, but you gave a good response. I just put it down because who wants to look in a toilet if they don't have to? My three sons aren't always so aesthetically conscious however. And they only flush sometimes.

phlegmfatale said...

What I want to know is where can I get a toilet seat like the one in the photo? I LOVE that!

Special K said...

I'm glad I don't have that guy's nerve in my tooth. And exactly: what do you think the lid is for, anyway? Dipshit.

Nikki said...

HA HA! I just did a peice complaining about that damn seat being left up on my blog. Loved your reasoning it out.

Wanna take a look?


Phentermine said...

Thanks for interesting article.