Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Crack Epidemic; Just Say No!


I got up early this morning to catch up on some of my reading. My friend Rhonda wrote a fabulously funny entry regarding the trauma her daughter suffered when she accidentally caught a view of her teacher's fanny floss.

If her teacher looked anything like MY 7th grade teacher--holy crap!--I feel her pain. I would have ripped out my eyeballs and run screaming from the classroom.

I spent a couple of hours doing housewiferly things and thought about all the buttofuoco sightings I've had over the last few years.

Every spring, my husband goes back east to visit his parents for a week to ten days. It gives him a chance to do any heavy home-repair work that needs to be done, and gives his mom a chance to baby her little chick.

Coincidentally--every year until last year--this was also the time any major construction he had planned to our property was scheduled.

First we had the back yard terraced (we live on the side of a mountain), and a basketball/tennis court put in for the kids. The next year a new roof. Then a pool. Finally we had to have the court resurfaced because of a crappy concrete job.

So while hubby is dreaming of the joys of Mom's crabcakes every spring, I'm having nightmares about acres of ass crack.

Tall cracks, short cracks, hairy cracks, skinny cracks, wide cracks and once a disturbingly reverse tanline crack (did the guy commune with Mother Nature wearing nothing but a belly-shirt ala Donald Duck on his down time?).

One spring I complained to my husband long distance over the phone.

"I can't walk past the window without seeing bare buttage!"

So don't look out the window.

"I can't help myself. It's like rubbernecking at a train wreck. Do you think they'd be offended if I ran down to Penney's and bought them some belts?"

Honey, they CAN'T wear belts! Then they won't be able to bend down and do the job!

"Do you think you could call their boss and request that they--um--face AWAY from the house when they bend down?"

(Sounds of husband ripping his hair out and beating his forehead against the wall)

Obligatory Norge Refrigerator Repairman jokes aside, how on earth did crack become the new cleavage for the rest of us?

Anybody catch our guys trying to keep their pants up mid-air while snowboarding in the recent Olympics? Such a performance enhancer!

Now it seems that buttocks are such an accepted fashion "accessory" that even teachers are sporting it at school.

What's next? Nuns wearing pasties?

4 comments:

Rhonda said...

Hahaha! Bravo. Well done!

But, my God, is it a good thing I inspired a tome about the mighty butt crack? Is there an award or something for such a thing? And, if there is, what would it look like?

Charlie said...

You have just outdone Stephen King for best horror mind-picture: nuns with pasties. ARGH!

If you'd ever seen my 4th grade teacher, Sister Mary Agony, she would've needed cow pasties called "Udderly Yours".

And how do you build a pool on the side of a mountain? Doesn't the water, uh, spill out?

Kippa Herring said...

But me no butts.

Miss Keeks said...

I read Rhonda's "satan's slingshot" blog yesterday and I have to tell you... I'm really sick of ass cracks! I can't help it--when I see someone in a thong (like you, I can't turn away), all I can think about is the fabric rubbing against the anus. The pooper. It grosses me out.

And I should give an honorable mention to my old roomate--a teacher of K - 8 who regularly didn't wear underwear at all... in skirts.