You Really CAN'T Make This Stuff Up...

I've written before about my husband's feet, and how scary they are to me.

They're really dry, his toes are hairy and extra long---so they look like they have an additional toe-knuckle---and he's getting old-man toenails. You know---so thick that you could use them to make car bumpers or kevlar vests out of.

Plus he doesn't cut his nails often enough. No, this isn't a picture of his feet, but it's like what I imagine they are in my head.

About 3am a few days ago, he wanted to play footsie or something. He reached out with one of those spidery feet in his sleep and STABBED me in the back of the calf, before raking those suckers down to my ankle.

I screamed. And fell out of bed trying to get away from him. Plop! Bent my right ring-finger backwards when I fell into the louvered closet door. It's not broken, but definitely on the hurtin' side.

"You ok, Honey?" he asked sleepily.

YOU STABBED ME!

"You're going to make sandwiches?" Then he started snoring again.

Of course I gave him crap about it for the next two days, and handed him the hedge clippers. If he wanted to sleep in the conjugal bed, then he had some serious pruning to do.

The other night, he was complaining about how nasty and cracked his heels were. It's a recurring problem, and pretty gross. Maybe he was angling for a foot massage with lotion, but I wasn't biting. Especially since I'm out on the injured list with my bent-back finger.

I just handed him the lotion and a pair of cotton socks.

Next day, I went to the local drugstore and talked to the pharmacist. Asked what was the best stuff they had that was over-the-counter. She pointed me to an entire aisle of foot stuff.

Of course, out of all the remedies---most that looked the same, I took the one that tickled my funny-bone.

Crackcare. snarf. Yeah, you guys already know I'm demented that way.

Bought it and brought it home.

Anyhoo, later, after we'd unloaded the bags, I was sitting at the breakfast bar and picked up the package to take a better look at it.

This is what I read was in the active ingredients:

Whaaa??? Pee? Seriously? Pee?

Ok, inquiring minds and all....

Pee helps dry cracked skin?

I remember Madonna ::koff:: going for shock value on David Letterman or some such late-night talk show a decade or more ago advising that standing in your own pee in the shower was good for your skin. If that's so, then you'd think she'd be squatting in the garden and making facial mud packs or something out of it. She's been looking mighty rugged these days.

Other questions:

Who's pee does it belong to? I know they probably pasteurized it or did some kind of process to make it free from impurities, but where did they get it? Is it human? Animal?

Can people make money off their pee? I mean is there a market for it? How lucrative is it? And how do the companies advertise to get people to pee for money? Can they do it at home in a cup and send it Fed Ex in gallon jugs, or do they have to go to some central facility to contribute (which could cause issues if you have to go there 5 times a day). Do they pay for mileage?

Do the pee-ers have to eat something special to add nutrients like asparagus, or avoid things like caffeine or alcohol?

Because on margarita night, I can p*ss like a racehorse. I could wear a catheter and make a quota in 4 hours or less.

I'm not going to let hubby in on the fact that he's applying somebody else's pee to his feet until we see if it helps.

For the sake of science, naturally.

And my finger. It's just begging for justice.

I know, I know. Going straight to hell.