Wednesday, August 20, 2008

You Really CAN'T Make This Stuff Up...

I've written before about my husband's feet, and how scary they are to me.

They're really dry, his toes are hairy and extra long---so they look like they have an additional toe-knuckle---and he's getting old-man toenails. You know---so thick that you could use them to make car bumpers or kevlar vests out of.

Plus he doesn't cut his nails often enough. No, this isn't a picture of his feet, but it's like what I imagine they are in my head.

About 3am a few days ago, he wanted to play footsie or something. He reached out with one of those spidery feet in his sleep and STABBED me in the back of the calf, before raking those suckers down to my ankle.

I screamed. And fell out of bed trying to get away from him. Plop! Bent my right ring-finger backwards when I fell into the louvered closet door. It's not broken, but definitely on the hurtin' side.

"You ok, Honey?" he asked sleepily.


"You're going to make sandwiches?" Then he started snoring again.

Of course I gave him crap about it for the next two days, and handed him the hedge clippers. If he wanted to sleep in the conjugal bed, then he had some serious pruning to do.

The other night, he was complaining about how nasty and cracked his heels were. It's a recurring problem, and pretty gross. Maybe he was angling for a foot massage with lotion, but I wasn't biting. Especially since I'm out on the injured list with my bent-back finger.

I just handed him the lotion and a pair of cotton socks.

Next day, I went to the local drugstore and talked to the pharmacist. Asked what was the best stuff they had that was over-the-counter. She pointed me to an entire aisle of foot stuff.

Of course, out of all the remedies---most that looked the same, I took the one that tickled my funny-bone.

Crackcare. snarf. Yeah, you guys already know I'm demented that way.

Bought it and brought it home.

Anyhoo, later, after we'd unloaded the bags, I was sitting at the breakfast bar and picked up the package to take a better look at it.

This is what I read was in the active ingredients:

Whaaa??? Pee? Seriously? Pee?

Ok, inquiring minds and all....

Pee helps dry cracked skin?

I remember Madonna ::koff:: going for shock value on David Letterman or some such late-night talk show a decade or more ago advising that standing in your own pee in the shower was good for your skin. If that's so, then you'd think she'd be squatting in the garden and making facial mud packs or something out of it. She's been looking mighty rugged these days.

Other questions:

Who's pee does it belong to? I know they probably pasteurized it or did some kind of process to make it free from impurities, but where did they get it? Is it human? Animal?

Can people make money off their pee? I mean is there a market for it? How lucrative is it? And how do the companies advertise to get people to pee for money? Can they do it at home in a cup and send it Fed Ex in gallon jugs, or do they have to go to some central facility to contribute (which could cause issues if you have to go there 5 times a day). Do they pay for mileage?

Do the pee-ers have to eat something special to add nutrients like asparagus, or avoid things like caffeine or alcohol?

Because on margarita night, I can p*ss like a racehorse. I could wear a catheter and make a quota in 4 hours or less.

I'm not going to let hubby in on the fact that he's applying somebody else's pee to his feet until we see if it helps.

For the sake of science, naturally.

And my finger. It's just begging for justice.

I know, I know. Going straight to hell.


Half rabbit said...

You were probably joking........ but chances are very high that the urea was artificially produced.

synthetic ammonia + carbon dioxide.... etc

Beth said...

I think I see a career opportunity opening up for me - my daily output could probably cure dozens of cracked feet.

That picture was gross!

Pete said...

you're pure evil!

Brenda said...

Eww,,I hate the middle of the night toe rakes too.

It might be better justice to tell him the only cure is for you to pee on his feet cause the urea in the cream is synthetically made using ammonia and carbon dioxide.

It's also used in some hair conditioners, facial cleansers, bath oils, and lotions, many tooth whitening products, creams to soften the skin, especially cracked skin on the bottom of one's feet, and in dish soaps.

AND it's a skin irritant.

TOM said...

HA HA !! Well they don't really use Pee, actually Urea "was the first organic compound to be artificially synthesized from inorganic starting materials." It launched the science of Organic Chemistry and prompted, Friedrich Wohler to write "I must tell you that I can make urea without the use of kidneys, either man or dog. Ammonium cyanate is urea."

r. said...

this is the best product - I've tried them all.. i think the active ingredient in this one is battery acid HAHA

also - after his shower, when his feet are nice and soft, he can sit on the side of the tub and file away with this:

it'll look like its snowing in the tub as he shaves off the crud! Enjoy!

mrsb said...

My husband, between leaving the Army and his present job, worked in a factory. The track on the production line broke, and snapped down with something like 500 pounds of pressure on hubbies foot, breaking all of his toes.

He has some messed up, mangled feet. And frankenstien toe nails. I refuse to touch them. Ew.

Missicat said...

Wow, you have some smart readers!

My advice: Ped Egg. It really works!
Asparagus pee? EEWWWWW

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

he has a cross between Hobbitt feet and Shrek toes lmao! Yep I feel the same keep the nasty feet on your own side of the bed

Traceytreasure said...

When that first picture loaded, It made me jump.

I have to go pee.

Thanks for scaring the shit out of me today, ATM!

Stinkypaw said...

That picture is disturbing, really... How can someone let their feet get that way? That is just plain gross... (I know it's not your husband!)

Maybe for his birthday or next XMas you should offer him a pedicure! Granted it won't be any special gift for the person giving him the pedicure, but... it will get the job done!

If the patch smells bad then you'll have your answer about asparagus! ;-)

Anonymous said...

You probably won't believe this but to help with the cracked heels, apply a thick coat of Preparation H onto the heels at night and wear the cotton socks. I promise, the skin will be soft in no time!

Kim Ayres said...

I remember hearing about soldiers peeing in their boots to a)help soften up the leather and b) to help the condition of their feet

Queen-Size funny bone said...

my husband is a diabetic and he has that feet thing going on. I won't even let him near me with those feet. I nag him all the time to take care of his feet. One day he'll be sorry.

Maddy said...

Very grim.

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

oh yeah I forgot, I tagged you on my site go check it out if you want to participate go for it, if not no hard feelings :o)

Chris H said...

YOU. ARE. EVIL.... love it! I pee like a trooper too... can I stand in line to contribute? Better still, I can offer your husband fresh anytime he wants! EEEWWWW

Jennifer McKenzie said...

Um, this is actually true. My husband was a drag fisherman and they have dry, cracked hands and feet complete with bacteria from the fish. It is a fact that urine heals them.
I didn't want to know. He told me anyway.
I need bleach for my brain.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I share your contempt for feet. Mr. Mayhem's are disgusting AND I am going to need therapy after seeing that picture! UGH!

Oh...and the pee thing...EWWWWWW!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Well, i think you pee on a jellyfish sting. That must mean something. I could also climb trees with my toenails. I try to keep up with the clipping, but they grow wicked fast. Perhaps Mr. Attila and I are genetically linked somehow.

Angela said...

I won't touch my husbands feet either.

hope the foot stuff works

ntsc said...

Tom said what I was going to.

Urea shows up in lots of products.

Valerie Marie said...

Attila de Ville! lol! xoxo

Ann(ie) said...

he he he.

This is why I love you!!!!!!

Because on margarita night, I can p*ss like a racehorse. I could wear a catheter and make a quota in 4 hours or less.

She said...

Okay. That's just gross!!! :)

That photo: NASTY!

And you make me laugh so hard! I love coming here!

Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Totally gross picture! I looked into prescription toenail fungus products years ago and discovered one of the side effects in all of them was possible damage to the liver. After spending huge $$$$ for a topical treatment that may take up to 2 years to work, you’d have to get your liver checked periodically…more money. Subsequently I’ve heard that soaking the offending member(s) in a vinegar/water solution will eventually alleviate the problem. It’s cheap and harmless, though I don’t know if it eliminates the fungus or not.

Years ago there were diet injections that were in vogue because they had dramatic effects almost instantaneously…one of the active properties in them was pregnant cow’s urine. A strict diet of lettuce would be better than that…

sarala said...

My husband would kill me if I posted about his feet (and he caught me doing it).
I remember years ago a shampoo listing "placenta" on the ingredients list. I'm not kidding.

Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing. I mean just when I thought I have heard everything, I come here and always learn something new. This is just so funny.

Have you tried the ped egg? No pee involved, but it works amazingly well.

That picture, well, lets just say it will help me stay on my diet.

Love you.

phlegmfatale said...

well, not tee-tee, but I do recommend Tea Tree Oil - a drop applied daily to each nail will work wonders in 6 months, and it doesn't destroy the liver the way prescribed medicines do. But good on you for banishing mr. Ogre foot from the bed- that story grossed me out. I may never wed again!

krishanna said...

Yup. Jellyfish sting on your leg? Pee on it. Takes the sting right out! Really. Pee is good.!

However, I have a suggestion. Pick up a PedEgg for him and some Miracle Foot Cream. They are making them for men now. Get 'em at Walgreen's. I can get scary feet be my mobility issues because of my mobility issues and the PedEgg works wonders for me. Also one of those widew files they use for acrylic nails works well after "egging" the tootsies. Let me know how it works out if you get them! XO-k.

mrsb said...

Left a little something on my blog for you :O)

abfh said...

You know what else is made from pee?

Artificial hormones for menopausal women are made from pregnant mares' urine. That's what Premarin is short for.

Big Pissy said...


Oh! and what Queen of the Mayhem said.... :)

Gershom said...

So I'm a massage therapist. I have been trained in school by some serious "down to earth" people. My polarity therapy instructor drinks her pee. She also puts it in her eyes, ears, and nose each morning. She taught me that one of the largest the pharmaceutical industry owners also owns a port-a-potty business because they use pee in hundreds of over the counter and prescribed only drugs.

so trip out on that!

I was freaked out by it and she gave me the book called "Your own perfect medicine" all about drinking your pee. Yep, its not going to happen in this lifetime for me.

Attila The Mom said...

Ack! Gonna go scrub my brain out now! LOL

Ruth Dynamite said...

I've been looking for Urea Production Specialist jobs...thanks for the heads-up!

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