Friday, August 01, 2008

Pffffttttt....

Aiggghhhh----just haven't had the energy to post this week. Which is sad to say, since we just got back from vacation.

Sunday afternoon, Big Kid went out with Cougar woman. We got a message later that night that he was going to stay over at her place because she had trouble with night vision and driving (like she wasn't previously aware of this?). Of course, our biggest concern was NOT what you might think---hahaha---it was the fact that he hadn't brought any of his night medication with him. Which includes the anti-psychotics.

Typically, if he misses a night, there is a rebound effect even if he takes them first thing in the morning. And Little Guy and I got four hours of fugly later that afternoon---delusional thinking and property damage (amazingly enough, he never gets out of control enough to break anything that belongs to HIM). Big Kid was half an inch from getting his ass thrown in the slammer.

So, with the support of his doctor and disability advocate, we've spent this week exploring some adult group homes in the nearby city to see if this might be an option for Big Kid. As I've said previously, he is very resistant to being a participant in his own life. If we allow him to stay here permanently, we're not giving him wings. And it's not like we aren't going to be loving and supportive and a part of his life if he lives somewhere else.

I just don't think that I can facilitate the whole school/life/treatment thing much longer. It would be one thing if he learned from his mistakes, but he doesn't, and just continues and continues and continues. So I have to be a buffer between him and Hubby. And I have to be a buffer between him and Little Guy. He resents being dependent on us, but isn't going to take steps to be independent on his own. So we've been busy trying to come up with a plan.

TGIF!!

P.S. Did learn something interesting. Cougar woman lives with her MIL (she's widowed). So Big Kid's overnighter was spent on the couch. And since they're crazy cat ladies, he came home covered in fur. I suppose that's better than coming home with Geritol-Breath.

23 comments:

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I think I'd opt for Geritol breath, but that's just me.

Hang it there.

Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Whoa! Welcome back from a lovely, peaceful week in San Diego to a slap in the face with reality! Does Big Kid know that you’re looking into an adult group home living situation for him at the present time? If so, what’s he think about it? I guess this is a classic situation of Tough Love. Do you think Cougar Woman would be so hot to trot in having Big Kid spend the night with her (and MIL) if she’d witnessed what you and Little Guy did Monday afternoon? I’d venture to say she wouldn’t…

Do the adult group homes encourage (expect?) the residents to become productive members of society; i.e. WORK, or will you and Mr. Attila continue be to his sole support?

Good Luck!

Chris H said...

I think it's a darn good idea to find your son alternative living arrangements... he has to go and live his own life so you can relax and live yours without constantly worrying about him, where he is, what he's doing etc. It is much easier to stop worrying when they are not under your roof! I loved getting 'rid' of my first 6... Ok some of them keep coming home, but they do leave again... just have to get rid of Steve again now! Have a wonderful weekend.

Mamma said...

Yeah, you can't be giving yourself away to everyone else or there won't be anything left of you. Group house sounds like a good plan. It's hard, I know. But the rest of you deserve it.

marymurtz said...

It sounds like this is the best option for Big Guy, but I know it's tough on you. We're thinking about you!!

Oh, and we used the red plate you sent when April's adoption was finalized--we put it on her dresser Sunday night, with the tooth she had just lost. The tooth fairy left the money on it. We get more comments on how cool that plate is than anything else we've ever had.

Brenda said...

You've got to do something for yourself sometime Miz ATM or else there won't be nuthing left of you for anyone. Momma's sure do have some hard decisions to make in life, don't they?

mrsb said...

Ugh, I feel for you. This has to have been such a hard decision. Letting Big Kid move out on his own, even if he is monitored, has to be creating some mixed feelings in you, no matter how much you know it's probably best for everyone involved.

just bob said...

I had a friend who made the decision to place her young autistic son in a nearby group home/school. For her and her husband, it was a difficult decision but the boy seems to be flourishing socially. I hope whatever decision you make about Big Kid that it works out for both you.

Coming home covered in fur sure beats coming home covered in Chanel No. 5!!!

Jan said...

Great post. I think you're on the right track.

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

If he is independent enough to have an "older" woman friend and make decisions to date her then he is able to live in an adult group home and begin to do everything himself. My opinion for what it's worth

elizabeth said...

{{{ATM}}}

Jezebel said...

Mom, you're a good mom and a good person. You're a better person than me, tolerating this relationship, first of all. And I think you're doing the right thing by wanting him to spread his wings and be out in the world to make his own mistakes. I think that's the only way he's going to learn from them.

Eileen said...

Big hugs. I think you are doing the right thing, looking into alternatives to push hime out of the nest. It is time. I hope you find some good resources.

I give you so much credit for dealing with this new relationship the way you are. It has to be tough. Hang in there.

XOXOX

Nightmare said...

" better than coming home with Geritol-Breath."

Or Ben Gay on each ear!

Ok that was a bit out of bounds, I apologize.

Stinkypaw said...

argh, that's nasty!

...and I agree with what the Hot flashing Queen wrote: the only real way for him to really grow up is for him to assume the consequence of his actions.

I think you're amazing for keeping up with all this, by the way... Hang in there!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Dang--to think I was all worried about him getting a little lovin' and here you had REAL concerns.

Good luck with the group homes--I hope something comes up that you all like.

Missicat said...

Good luck with your decisions - who knows, he may surprise you!
What's wrong with being a cat lady? huh????

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am sorry that you are struggling with so much on your end.

I sincerely hope you can find something that will help all involved! My prayers are with you!

Traceytreasure said...

Best wishes for the right outcome. Giving kids wings is wonderful for them too!!
Hang in there!!
Signed, Geritol Breath :)
Hugs!!

Kathy said...

Hope things improve for you and that you make the right decision!

That said, YOU came all the way to San Diego, less than 5 minutes to my front door and didn't come to see ME??????

La La said...

Sounds like a good decision. I hope the details come together quickly and in a way that works well for everyone.

I cracked up on the covered in cat fur comment. Sounds like cougar woman needs to buy a FURminator!

Valerie Marie said...

Think of you ((ATM)) xoxo

Joe said...

Since the odds are he's going to outlive you and Hubby, he's gotta get out from under the teat sometime in life and now is a fine time to do so. FWIW.