Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Good, the Bad and the Fugly

Or Should I say,

Hail to the Queens!

The Good

Queen of the Mayhem, that Beeyotch, got to get away without all the appendages and have a faboo weekend with the girls. Good for her, but I'm so jellus!

The Bad

Queen Goob, who totally cracks me up, tries to survive the gas crunch by riding the bus, and gets the horny driver from hell.

The Fugly

Ok, I have to provide some back-story here. Especially since I promised to tell another tale of my trip to the big city.

My Mom has become a senior-citizenish coupon cultist. And then some.

Some months ago, me and the boys were up visiting and she was able to lasso a time when both my brothers would be available for a family lunch. I'd never had that particular pleasure, because I live a couple of hours away.

Usually when we're there, it's for a holiday, or a birthday, so we have big family breakfasts, or dinners (and sometimes she lets us grab the check if it's not at her house, where we all pitch in and cook the meal ourselves). I'd never actually gone out to lunch with her---at least not for YEARS (the last time I remember she offered to take me to the doc and get me on the pill---so it was like back in the dark ages).

Before we decided where to go to lunch, my older brother looked a bit glum. My younger brother looked a bit glum. Mom was tooling around in another part of the house, so I asked them what was up, and they said:

"She won't let us treat her to lunch, so since it's on her dime, she's going to pull out a coupon to some really crappy place and insist we drink water."


Now mind you, although my mom is widowed and retired, it's not like 4 bucks in soda or ice tea is going to make a difference on whether or not she's going to have to eat Alpo for the last week of the month. She's ok. And if she wasn't, she could let one of us treat her or let us pay our own way.

But that's how it went down. LOL She had coupons and insisted that water was good for us. It was weird.

Anyhoo, when the boys and I were up there a few weeks ago, we went out to dinner (my younger brother couldn't make it), so it was Mom, my older brother, me and my two boys. We went to a "really neat" Cajun/American restaurant that she and her lady friends had discovered, which was about a block from our hotel, so it was perfect.

Plus, I discreetly told the woman who seated us to make sure the check came to me. Didn't want to wrestle with my mom over it, and didn't want the boys to complain. Although I did actually order water to drink. ;-)

Finally I figured out why my Mom liked this restaurant so much.

The service was slower than a snail with broken leg thingys. I mean if they had legs.

We ordered, and then the waiter brought out two huge bread baskets for the 5 of us. They contained a variety of breads. With whipped butter.

My mom only ordered from the "small bites" menu----I thought it was because she's been dieting sorta, and admired her restraint. Me? I was hungry, dammit, so I ordered a big-ass beef sandwich au jus with cole slaw. The kids ordered similarly, and my brother ordered jambalaya.

So while we were waiting, everybody attacked the bread baskets. There were baguettes of hot french bread, some kind of carrot cake bread, and some other sweet bread. With whipped butter.

I was surprised frankly to see Mom dig in. I had two pieces (waiting for dinner), and the guys and Mom demolished everything else.

About 15 minutes later, Mom flagged down a waiter and asked for more bread. They brought out two more huge baskets. With whipped butter.

Mom and the guys had a chance to take like one more piece each, and then our dinners came.

I ate my slaw and a half of my sandwich (it was cut in two). Then I was stuffed. My older brother was so full, he only ate half of his entree. Big Kid ate some of his fries and only half of HIS sandwich. Little Guy, of course (has sensory integration issues) ate everything on his plate, but felt a bit ill later.

Mom picked at her entree. She was already full of bread. LOL

Soooooo.....when it was all over.....Mom and my older brother (who lives with my mom) took home almost Mom's entire entree of salmon and some kind of pilaf, the other half of my brother's jambalaya, half of my roast beef sandwich (with the au jus in a little styrafoam container), half of Big Kid's sandwich and the rest of his fries, and the rest of the two bread baskets---which contained like 12 pieces of bread. And the rest of the whipped butter.


But back to the Fug.

The day after I got back, I went and visited Queen of Planet Hot Flash's blog.
I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. Not being cliche. I mean it.

Because no matter where we are, or what we do, I saw US in there. Now go here, and then here, and then there.

You think YOU have momster probs, then you have to check this out.

In my life, I can get down on my knees and feel grateful that I'm not related to Queen's MIL.

But damn, it's butt-fugly and funny as all get out. LOL


Jezebel said...

I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am that I have a former MIL. That beezatch just needs to stay away from me!

Your outing with your mom reminds me of my grandmother who used to go out with this loud-mouthed friend of hers who would complain to the staff at each and every lunch they went to at this deli and then steal a bag of chips on the way out! And then never said a damn word to her!

Valerie Marie said...

Dear ATM,
thank you so much!!! I don't remember when I laughed so hard the last time!

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
LMAO! And I thought my mom’s quirky behavior was soooo unique and unusual. Some of the bizarre personality traits (I’m making an attempt to be PC) these women are exhibiting are probably symptomatic of having grown up during the Depression. With the economic slump getting worse by the day, their peculiarities are becoming more pronounced as their fears become reality (or what they perceive to be factual).

My 85 year old mother spends money like she had a printing press on some things, like dining out at “fancy” restaurants, clothes and donating to charitable institutions, but pinches pennies till they squeak in other areas, like furniture and home d├ęcor. When I dare to suggest she rearrange her priorities in regards to money, she’s quick to remind me of “who the mother is”…yeah. She’s got that one right.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

I am cracking up. I forgot about having to drink water only. Did you have to fill up on the free soda crackers too? That's what we did.

Missicat said...

Good lord, great stories! I know I would not have the patience to deal with that mother-in-law! My ex-MIL was just kinda whiney and passive aggressive - pretty dull by comparison!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That is really funny about your mom and the ordering. My mom ALWAYS did that to us when we were growing up!

I always seem to fall victim to the appetizer/bread overeating disease! ESPECIALLY when I am downing chips and salsa by the gallon!

My trip was great.....you need to try and wrangle on for yourself! I highly recommend it! :)

Here's hoping you get some rest soon!

Half rabbit said...

That bus story was hilarious.

Also the fact that your last post had a cult reference "Don't drink the koolaid" makes me wonder if this coupon cult is actually real. If so you are probably a member too. Will you silence me for finding out? :)

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

*sigh* thus is my lot in life my mother-in-law
But the gifts and the being waited on hand and foot afterwards ALMOST makes up for her.....Not Even!

Queen Goob said...

My mom goes out to eat at places based on how good the service is. She loves Hooters. Come on, do you KNOW how few old ladies eat at Hooters? Old ladies that don't try and cop a feel with the waitress? Yup, my mom loves Hooters.

That sounded bad, didn't it.

OH! I started moving to the back of the bus; Dave only stares at me through the mirror now. I feel so much safer!

Jennifer H said...

Your mom is hilarious. She totally scored on the take home bag!

Off to read those other posts.

Jennifer H said...

I have to stop back (with my jaw on the floor!) to say that her story is the most hilarious, cringe-worthy story I've read in a long time. Glad you linked to it! I might never get over it, though.

carmachu said...

remind me never to have lunch with you when you get older.....:D