Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Cosmic Joker

Dear Boss of the Universe,

I'd like to think that we have a pretty good working relationship.

You know I don't spend all our face-time asking for personal stuff---although I suppose asking for world peace does affect me and mine personally. I do ask that you try to change the hearts of people who contemplate doing bad things, and to comfort people who are facing tragedies.

And I spend a lot of time thanking you for my personal blessings and the wonderful creations You provide such as cool breezes on steaming hot days, and now tubs of ready-made Philadelphia Cream Cheese cheesecake filling when I'm tempted to drive a BBQ fork directly into my throat. No bothersome springform pans or graham-cracker crust to wade through. Just hand me a shovel.

You've blessed us all with free will, and I know that at least 90% of my problems are those I've created myself, so I don't try to fob them off on You. Sometimes I ask You for strength in cleaning my own crap up, but the responsibility is mine.

And I appreciate that you have a twisted sense of humor---as shown by Your creation of platypuses, Donald Trump's hair, and KFC's "Famous" Bowls of slop.

We've had quite a few conversations over the last couple of years about Big Kid and his issues.

Ok, honestly, I've talked, You've listened.

He's desperately lonely. Between shyness and panic attacks---and other issues----he simply doesn't have the social skills he needs to develop meaningful relationships. The few friends he maintained from high school have either gone on to away college and jobs, or are loser dopers who he has (thankfully) distanced himself from.

Plus the fact that he doesn't learn from his mistakes is a huge check-mark in the minus box.

So over the last few years, most of his interaction to the outside world has been through stupid social networking sites like Myspace. Oh, and Tru.Com, which has a system that is almost impossible to cancel from and keeps billing his debit card (to an account that has no money in it) although he's called 3 times to cancel it. They keep sending him "so and so winked at you" notices in email, and impulsively he goes to check it out. The minute he logs in, they bill him for another month at 60 bucks a pop or so. :::sigh:::

But You know all that.

He's "hooked up" with 14-year-olds who pretended to be 19-year olds. He's given our home phone number out to several psycho girls who have never learned phone etiquette and if they didn't get an answer from one call, instead of leaving a message and waiting for him to call back, found a need to call every freaking 10 minutes with the hope that at some point he'd pick up the phone. Until I answered and screamed at them.

Then they called every 30 minutes.

And then there are the ones who think that calling at 2am is socially appropriate.

Let's not forget the couple of harpies who are local and recognized his MySpace profile and who have too much time on their hands. They make up fake profiles and pretend to be interested and write to him. Like a doof, he responds, gets all invested and spills his heart out, only to get a big huge Bahahahahaha at some point. You'd think after the first couple of times, he'd be a little more wary.

Of course there's the multitude in between---where he's fudged about himself, or they've fudged about themselves and they talk on the phone for a few weeks and like dumbasses are telling each other "I LURVE YOU!!" Then when they meet in person, it's sad and ugly all around.

I know I've talked to You and admitted that I hoped Big Kid would find somebody a bit older than his 21 years to be friendly with. Someone who is out of school, has some life experience and is beyond the juvenile game-playing stage. Somebody who might take this big lump of boy and give him a few worthy life lessons. Big hope, huh? What does he really have to offer someone who is stable and goal-oriented? Other than his lovely green eyes?

As You know, he met somebody recently. She was tooling around on MySpace and liked his musical choices. They chatted in email for a couple of weeks. She's gainfully employed, drives (HUGE plus, because he doesn't), has her own place. Then they talked on the phone for a week or so. He walked around with a huge smile on his face.

Yesterday, they made plans to meet in the park of the sort-of big city down the pass and go to lunch. I drove him down and dropped him off.

Little Guy and I went shopping and to lunch and picked Big Kid up a few hours later. He was on Cloud 9.

She had kissed him goodbye. And she called him later to tell him what a great time she had. He and I sat down to talk about how good he was feeling about it, and what he hoped might come of it all. Then he filled me in on a few things.

Boss of the Universe, I know I confessed to You that I hoped Big Kid might find someone a bit older and more experienced. And I realize that you have a somewhat odd sense of humor.

But seriously, and please don't smite me, because I ask this with the utmost respect....

5 years older than ME? Are You freaking insane????


PS---to my blogfriends, will fill you in with the details once I manage to choke them down.


Chris H said...

SHIT. A. BRICK. Managed to stop choking yet mate????

terriblepalsy said...

OMG. Just picking myself up off the floor.

Trudie said...

Good Grief! And you managed to write all that after having found out... You're one strong Mama!

KL said...

You DID request someone 'older and wiser', did you specify than who??

Maybe TPTB thought you meant older and wiser than you, and not him??

just bob said...

How old is she cuz I need a friend...

just bob

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

WOW.. seems you need to be specific when asking the BOSS for things. Um, I'm thinkin I would be talking to this woman about WTF she is thinking.

marymurtz said...

Oh crap.

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
OMG! The Big Mahoff works in mysterious ways, but this time he/she/it has gone off the Richter scale. Why’s a 40-something year old female cruising MySpace checking out a 21-year young man’s musical preferences? Looking for LOVE in all the WRONG places?. Is this middle-aged woman trying to emulate Ivana Trump, who recently married dance instructor/singer Rossano Rubicondi, 24 years her junior? Or Demi Moore with boy toy Ashton Kutcher, 15-years younger? Does Big Kid have any idea where this relationship is headed?

Your life is certainly not mundane.

Rootietoot said...

We live in parallel lives, you and me. My 21 yr old announced his intentions to move to Seattle (only the absolute opposite part of the country from here) and shack up with a woman who's 36. Then she called him and suggested he finish college first, so now I want to kiss her and send her cookies. Maybe she isn't a cradle robber?

just bob said...

Where were all these cougars when I was 21???

elizabeth said...


Jennifer H said...

Oh. NO.

KL said...

OMG I just realized!

You mean my sister-in-law moved out there?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

ntsc said...

No, it's my ex-wife.

Liesl said...


Queen of the Mayhem said...

Holy crap!

I am speechless!!!!!!!!!!!

mrsb said...

Oh, my. My first reaction is it to freak out on your behalf.

But then I stopped to think...I worry about the same things for my 11 year old in the future. He's so naive and gullible.

And if she's nice to him...and can handle the issues...maybe she could be right for him. At least for a while... at the very least, if she's a nice person, maybe she can give him some experience.

I wouldn't discount it just because of her age.

Jennifer McKenzie said...

I have no idea what to say. Nothing.
That's just......crazy.
I don't know how you do it.

Ambitious Blonde said...

My son is thirteen and has Asperger's like Big Kid.

This post has prompted me to A-bark "You're grounded until you're thirty!" in his general direction and B-inform him that he isn't allowed to date my contemporaries when I do unground him.

He now thinks I'm REALLY crazy instead of just sort of crazy.

Half rabbit said...

My son is thirteen and has Asperger's like Big Kid.

I could be wrong but I don't think big kid/guy has aspergers. All I can remember is ADHD, OCD, and Rapid Cycling Bipolar.

Brenda said...

Oh My Dear Lord, I hope things work out Miz ATM, seems like you sure have a full plate.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think you weren't specific enough when you said "older than him."

On a personal note, every post you write makes me love you more. Not in a stalky-kind of way. In an admiring and good kind of way.

amy said...


Beth said...

As an older woman/"cougar" (my kids recently taught me that word - bless them!) the younger man scenario has a certain appeal...
As a mother, I'd be freaking too!

Eileen said...

Oh, no! I almost fell off the bed. I so understand the pain of watching our children be lonely, socially isolated. It kills me. However, this is one version I have never thought of.....shit. I would be very concerned too. I hope you have learned more...about her.
I wish I had something profound to say, but I'm speechless.

Thinking of you and sending love your way.

carmachu said...

when you asked for someone older than the 21 years, you got exactly what you asked for, just not what you wanted.

It happens alot with'em.

But before you get all crazy.....give it a chance. I have a story to share later.

Valerie Marie said...

OMG! This is a sort of may-october "romance"... my mother always told me "be careful with what you wish"! ((ATM)) xoxo

Queen Goob said...

Honey, that's not a cougar, that's a sabertooth.

And not a bad thing for you or I, but rather our kids.