Thursday, July 03, 2008

How to Mess Up a Nice Pair of Jammie Pants

So last night I was up in the big city with the guys. My older brother took Big Kid to the concert, my mom took Little Guy out for bowling and dinner.

Me---I got to lock myself in the Holiday Inn room with air conditioning, an Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich with extra Horsey Sauce, ice cold Snapple and a couple of new Charlaine Harris mysteries. No dogs, no guys, nobody with a crisis...

Oh Bliss!!!

Mom brought Little Guy back at about 10pm. We watched some TV and then snoozed. Around midnight, my brother dropped the Big Kid off. They tried to chat about how awesome the concert was, but I just sorta waved from my bed and said "Thanks for taking him!" before falling back into the abyss.

Sometime in the middle of the night, a weird noise---one I could hear over the air conditioning--woke me up.

Scritch-scritch. Scritch-scritch.

Sleepily, I looked at the clock. It was 3:30am.


What in the hell WAS that?

I sat up and looked at the boys in the other bed. They were motionless and dead to the world. No arm-pit or groin scratching to explain the noise.


The noise was beyond them at the hotel room door.

Oh crap. Was there some kind of RODENT in the room?

I put my glasses on and tiptoed over. The only light in the room was from the bathroom---back behind my bed---and that door was mostly closed. It then hit me that we were actually in a room that faced outside to the parking lot, something I hadn't thought about before. Anything could be trying to get in.

Did Big Kid remember to lock the security locks when he came in?

Before I could check, something caught my eye in the sliver of streetlight that was coming through the curtains next to the door.

About 3/4 of the way down, something white was moving in and out of the space between the door and the jamb in a sawing motion.


In an instant, the first thing that crossed my mind was that it was some kind of slim-jim that could pop the door lock. With a scream caught in my throat, I grabbed it and YANKED it through to my side of the door.

Outside, I heard a startled "GAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

Like a dummy, I looked through the peephole (Yes, yes, I've seen movies where people get shot through the eyeball doing the same stupid thing. But I wasn't working on all 8 cylinders).

Standing outside the door was a little old bald man with a shocked look on his face. He scurried away like he had a flaming firework up his butt.


I looked at the thing I had yanked away from him. It wasn't some kind of new-fangled slim-jim.

It was crinkly. I took it to the bathroom to examine it in the light.

It was our folded-up Express Check-out receipt.


P.S. Gotta say, that scared the CRAP outta me! My adrenalin was pumping so hard I felt like I'd mainlined a triple shot of expresso. I stayed up shaking for the next couple of hours, then woke the kids up and drove right home. When we got here, I crashed in bed for half the day after it wore off.

The only consolation I have is wondering how THAT guy's day went. LOL

Happy 4th everybody!


Pete said...

happy fourth from the Imperialists

Mel said...

HA! I would have done the same thing. And then been all amped up for the rest of the night, too.

Jennifer H said...

Oh my god. My heart was pounding! Poor you and poor little old man!

I had to stifle a laugh in my very quiet house.

Half rabbit said...

To give you time to:
a. Wake up
b. Gather your senses
c. Put on your glasses
d. Tiptoe to the door
e. See the sawing motion
f. Release your inner Attila the hum

would equal to a lot of "sawing" Maybe they were actually a criminal in disguise and that express checkout ticket is really a tool in disguise?

P.S. Did you compare pants with the old man in the morning to see who "won"? :)

Pendullum said...

Thank Goodness you did not have a can of mace!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, the night started out so tranquil and perfect. Reading, resting and ALONE, sounded too good to be true. Sorry the bald guy messed up what would have been the perfect night!! Something like that would have really freaked me out too. You and I think alike.

Have a great weekend!

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Whoa! Perhaps the old geezer was the irrepressible devilish-doll-come-to-life Chucky’s grandfather and you were auditioning to be in another horror comedy film. Your narration of the story made it seem like we were there hearing the “scritch-scritch” from beyond the hotel room door. What strikes me as peculiar is why the old coot was cramming the Express Check-out receipt under the door at 3:30 a.m.; midnight or just before 6:00 a.m. would be more appropriate. “Gramps” is going to be staring down the end of a shotgun some evening if this is his usual wont.

I hope the Attila Family has a safe and sane Fourth of July!!

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

OMG. That's just how the Boston Strangler got women to open their doors. He'd move a little piece of paper between the door and jamb, and they'd open the door to see what was going on. I swear. You had me on the edge of my seat.

Happy 4th!

Queen Goob said...

See, I would have looked through the peephole first then thrown open the door and screamed "WHAT?!?" scaring the old bald man into cardiac arrest.

HEY.....I know CPR!

Mari said...

You made me laugh out loud! I would've done the exact same thing. I can just picture that old man's face!!

Joe said...

I've traveled armed in a past life and that poor old guy could have easily gotten a pistol in the face instead of a screaming ATM. He's lucky.
>>P.S. Did you compare pants with the old man in the morning to see who "won"? :)<< This is a great line!

Ann(ie) said...

um, arby's, AC and good reading material??? Bliss is right!

And that has happened to me before at a Marketing conference in Portland. I was 8 months pregnant, not sleeping well and I about jumped out of my skin when they decided to slide that check out receipt under the door at 1 a.m. not quietly. gah. I SO understand!!!

Chris H said...

Ouch..... ouch..... I'm laughing so hard me poor tummy hurts.... stop it right now! Jez that was so funny. You are a twit, but I would have done the same thing.... thanks for your lovely comment(s) over the past week, Stew and I really appreciated it. HUGS to you mate.

Valerie Marie said...

I hope you had an happy 4th with your family! LOL ! scritch-scritch... I had goosebumps!

carmachu said...

why the hell was he slipping it under the door at 3:30 am?

funny story though.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You are just always good for a belly laugh!

Stinkypaw said...

TOo funny even if it must have been scary! I'm sure you've shorten that man's life expectancy of a few months if not years! ;-)

TraceyTreasure said...

I saw the movie Vacancy. I'm not sure that I will ever stay in a hotel again.....I want details on the concert. Can you have Big Kid do a post about it? Have a great weekend!!

Jezebel said...

I guess some people are unaware that there are some of us who are actually really light sleepers!

Hope you had a Happy 4th!

Liesl said...


QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

Might want to call the hotel to see if flowers should be sent to the lil old fellers family for the funeral. He prolly had a heartattack lmao

shirley said...

oh no, haha! poor little guy! I'm picturing Hans Moleman from The Simpsons!

Brenda said...

That dude was very lucky that you aren't a gun totin' Momma. I'da been cleaning out my drawers at the "GAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

phlegmfatale said...

I hope that old fellow wore his brown trousers that day. :P

mrsb said...

Oh, good gosh! I was scared just reading it! Couldn't stop laughing at the end. Poor you! Poor old man! Hahaha!

Anonymous said...


Poor guy.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That is really funny! You DO realize that these things could only happen to YOU! :)

(Well....I must admit, I have this kind of luck too!)

Missicat said...

*snort* Serves him right for not just shoving it under the door...what was he thinking????

warcrygirl said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I would have done the same thing, or maybe yank the door open or something. We just got back from our own vacation, fortunately our room was on the 4th floor. Well, not really fortunately.

Dorky Dad said...

Oh, that's just hilarious. I don't know what I would have done in that situation. I probably would have totally freaked out.

Ruth Dynamite said...

When you said that some little old bald man was sticking something "crinkly" in and out of the door, I wasn't thinking it would be a receipt.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh yeah, and "You Mak-a My Day, Lady!" I just gave you a Major Award!

Anonymous said...

That will teach poor little bald guy not to mess with ATM!