Sunday, June 11, 2006
Soylent Greenies---Is It Peeeeple?
When he took the Yorkshire Terriorists to the vet earlier this year, hubby got some disturbing news.
We have to brush their teeth every day.
Hubby couldn't have been more shocked if the vet had sprouted a third eye on her forehead and asked him to touch it.
Are you serious?
One thing about our terriorists is that they don't like to be man-handled. Petted and patted, yes. Fiddled around with--no.
Oh, HELL no.
Unlike The Noodle Dog who would let you set fire to her tail if she thought it would make you smile, the Yorkies always seem to sense when it's time to have their nails clipped or their butt-glands seen to. Then it's impossible to get within 5 feet of them.
They taunt us and run under the bed. Kind of like in a Monty Python movie.
So we pay other people to do that stuff. And we don't ask how it went when it's over.
How were we going to brush their teeth every day? It takes an army just to get them into the bathtub!
Well, said the vet, You could always try Greenies.
What are Greenies, you might ask (we did)?
They're green toothbrush-shaped dog chews that are supposed to "brush plaque and tartar away!"
They also cost an arm and a leg, so they better be good!
The only problem we could forsee was that the Yorkies really weren't "chew" dogs. While The Noodle craves her rawhide every day, the only thing the terriorists were ever interested in treat-wise was cheese and each other's food.
But if it meant not having to chase them under the bed with toothbrushes, we were willing to try anything.
They loved them. Absolutely loved them.
We were amazed.
Nowadays---even if they are asleep halfway across the house---if anyone so much as crinkles a plastic bag within the vicinity of the kitchen, the three dogs race in like it's a 10-minute only 75% off sale at Shoe Carnival.
It's like doggie heroin, I tell you!
What the hell is in this stuff?
I looked at the ingredients list: Processed wheat gluten (wheat protein), glycerin, natural flavor, powdered cellulose fiber, monosodium phosphate, monoglycerides of edible fatty acid, magnesium stearate and chlorophyll.
Natural flavor? I looked up their website. "Natural Flavor: The ingredient used for the natural flavor is proprietary. However, we can tell you that it contains no beef protein and a very small amount of natural flavor is used."
I decided to put on my Mythbusters hat again.
I made a list. What are the flavors dogs love most in the world?
Peanut butter, bacon, cheese, dead squirrels, steak and other dogs' dookie.
My nephew, the Happening Dude, is visiting us this month. I had an extra victim to experiment with.
Since I'm the one who actually ate the vomit-flavored jelly bean the last time we were experimenting with questionable foodstuffs, I asked for volunteers.
Would anybody be willing to taste a greenie?
My husband shook his head. You have GOT to be shitting me!
It will probably give me cancer, said Number One Son.
The little guy was horrified. I think that's child abuse!
How much would you pay me? asked the Happening Dude--a kid after my own heart.
I offered him a dollar. But I was willing to go to five. He took the dollar.
I've eaten dog biscuits before, he shrugged. They're really not that bad.
I decided that it was safer NOT to ask the obvious question. Even 14-year-olds deserve a little privacy.
He smelled it. It doesn't smell like anything.
He licked it. It doesn't have a taste.
Maybe you have to chew it a little bit, I suggested.
But don't break your tooth! Hubby warned.
He gnawed on it a bit. It tastes kind of sweet, he said.
Like candy? No.
And that was it. No bacon, cheese, dead squirrel, steak or doo-doo taste. It's just kind of sweet.
Later, I started thinking.
What if Greenies are like the food supplements in the movie Soylent Green?
What if that "natural flavor" taste is people taste? What do dogs love better than their peeps?
I mean, how would the buying public really know? Anybody gnaw on a person lately?