Friday, June 16, 2006

Opening Up Another Can of Whup-Ass


I love those guys at AutoZone!

You can get your plugs sparked, your battery charged, and your knobs polished, but they don't do too bad in the Ass-Whupping Department either!

Now I'm not into vigilantism by any means, but if a guy walks into YOUR place brandishing a semi-automatic weapon while trying to ROB you, where's "the crime" in disarming him and beating the snot out of him?

Last summer in Rochester, New York, Dana Buckman tried to rob a local AutoZone with a gun. Two employees overpowered him, disarmed him, and whacked him around with a lead pipe. He escaped and was apprehended a week later.

He pleaded guilty, and as a repeat violent felon is now serving 18 years in prison.

This week he has filed a civil suit against AutoZone and its employees for getting his ass kicked.

Note: No criminal charges were filed against the employees who gave him the whuppin'. This is purely a civil suit against a big company for money.

Buckman's claim is that he is "entitled" to compensation for the injuries he suffered and "emotional distress".

No way.

Now I know most of us in the US learned in our 9th grade Civics class about the robber who broke into a house, tripped over a table/an ottoman/the family dog and broke his leg, and successfully sued the intended victims' insurance company for damages. The laws have tightened up since then.

And "what" emotional distress?

"I was ready, willing and able to waste you if you didn't give me your hard-earned money, and I'm 'distressed' that you beat me down and prevented me from doing it?"

Oh please.

The extra-special Richard Cranium award goes to his attorney, Phillip R. Hurwitz for taking the case.

His quote to the press:

"The danger was past," Hurwitz said. "These two employees took it upon themselves to go after Mr. Buckman after he left the store."

So chasing him when he escaped caused Buckman "emotional distress"?


My heart bleeds for him.

I'm going to send those AutoZone guys some cookies. Sending a nekkid picture of myself in appreciation would prolly scare the hell out of them.

11 comments:

Sheila said...

Isnt that ridiculous! But one more thing Attila, its great to see you battling your blog!

carmachu said...

Someone needs to smack around his lawyer as well for taking the case.

sheesh.

shirley said...

Sheeesh! If that asshole actually succeeds in doing anything other than wasting money on his lawyer's fees, I vote that we all chase him down with lead pipes. Just a big 'ole robber bashing parade! (but I hope we won't hurt his emotions)

Charlie said...

You can get your plugs sparked, your battery charged, and your knobs polished . . .

If you need me anytime soon, Mom, I'll be over at AutoZone getting sparked, charged, and especially polished. Thanks for the tip!

And I PROMISE not to look at your nekked picture.

Mr. Fabulous said...

How about this: you send the cookies, and *I* will send a naked picture of MYSELF. That way we have both done something...

Ruth Dynamite said...

I need one of those hats.

Nikki said...

stupid, stupid, stupid man. those guys should whup his ass again.

Ma Titwonky said...

I will gladly throw in a batch of my chunky chocolate chip cookies with my ultra-secret ingredient if you need cookie donations for the good guys.

Miss Keeks said...

No joke--when taking law classes, we were taught that if someone breaks in and there is an altercation, you had better kill them, or you are going to get sued.

Now, I'm generally not a fan of killing people, but I'm offended by people who break into other people's homes to steal their stuff or cause harm to the homeowner and/or renter.

Rainman said...

The twist on that story that I heard was that he forced them out the back of the store while robbing it. Then after escaping out the front door, he ran towards the back of the store and the employees he just robbed. It was then that these guys beat the crap outta him with pipes.

Its to bad he didnt win a Darwin award in the process.

The Courts should throw this out and not waste our money or time on this piece of crap human.

Kate said...

OMG what an idiot! I do hope he won't be successful.

Four or five years ago a similar thing happened to two men who tried to hold out village post office up at gunpoint. They didn't sue though, maybe because it would have been embarrassing trying to explain how big, tough men with guns were disarmed and apprehended by a group of 15 and 16 year old boys LOL