The first time I brought you the story of A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us was in a post about condoms.
Since then, a couple of things have happened--he messed up his medications in college and came home a bit of a wreck.
Things have been progressing in a positive direction, but he's still having some anxiety and extreme obsessiveness about his health and every little ache or pain.
Luckily it's not a daily crisis any more, but it certainly has its moments.
Like last night.
This morning I had an email exchange with my friend Admiral Pooper, where I gave him a rough description of the event, and half-heartedly threatened to write a post about it.
He wrote back and said, "I think you just did. Who ELSE could this happen to?"
So below is a FICTIONALIZED account about A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us (aka AKWINR):
I've sunk to a new low. Last night I actually had to examine an ingrown hair next to a AKWINR's anus to reassure him it's not a tumor.
AKWINR: Mom, would you please please look at it?
Me (horrified): "No. Oh hell no! It's probably just a pimple."
AKWINR: Are you sure? Can you swear to me that it's not a tumor?
Me: "Of course not. I'm not a doctor. We can call HIM in the morning and have HIM look at it."
AKWINR: That's just great, Mom. I could die from this tonight and you don't even care. That's not good parenting.
[10 years of therapy and all he got out of it was the catchphrase "That's not good parenting".]
...Another 15 minutes of this back and forth...the kid just wore me down. He is absolutely relentless when he gets like this.
AKWINR: Mom, please, just look at it. I'll never get to sleep tonight because I'm scared.
Me (realizing that I'm in Borgland and resistance is futile): "Ok."
AKWINR pulls his pants down, IN THE LIVING ROOM, IN FRONT OF THE PICTURE WINDOW, IN FRONT OF GOD AND THE NEIGHBORS, bends over and sticks his Po-po in my face.
Me: "Jesus, when did your butt get so hairy?"
AKWINR: Moooooom! Can you see it?
Me: "No, I don't see anything. It's probably an ingrown hair. Your dad's butt was never this hairy. Maybe you're the undiscovered missing link!"
He pulls his cheeks apart: Well look closer!
Me: "Am I being Punk'd? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? Are you going to let off a howler in my face and run away laughing?"
AKWINR: Mooooom! Can you see it?
He lets go of one cheek and points: It's right there! Can you see it?
Me: "No. Are you sure you're not going to fart on me?"
AKWINR: Feel it, it's right there.
Me: "I AM NOT going to stick my finger up there! Are you out of your mind? Whoops, let me rephrase that...There is NO freaking way I'm going to spelunk your butt!"
AKWINR: Moooom! It hurts. Just tell me it's not a tumor!
So I take my finger and jab it into his butt cheek--NOT his crack--and say in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice: "It's not a toomah!"
AKWINR: Did you feel it?
Me (lying my head off): "Yes. It's a pimple. Go take a hot bath."
AKWINR (greatly relieved): Thanks Mom. Love you.
I bet Carol Brady or June Cleaver never had to do this. Bitches.