Sunday, June 11, 2006

Soylent Greenies---Is It Peeeeple?


When he took the Yorkshire Terriorists to the vet earlier this year, hubby got some disturbing news.


We have to brush their teeth every day.

Hubby couldn't have been more shocked if the vet had sprouted a third eye on her forehead and asked him to touch it.

Are you serious?

One thing about our terriorists is that they don't like to be man-handled. Petted and patted, yes. Fiddled around with--no.


Oh, HELL no.

Unlike The Noodle Dog who would let you set fire to her tail if she thought it would make you smile, the Yorkies always seem to sense when it's time to have their nails clipped or their butt-glands seen to. Then it's impossible to get within 5 feet of them.

They taunt us and run under the bed. Kind of like in a Monty Python movie.

So we pay other people to do that stuff. And we don't ask how it went when it's over.

How were we going to brush their teeth every day? It takes an army just to get them into the bathtub!

Well, said the vet, You could always try Greenies.


What are Greenies, you might ask (we did)?

They're green toothbrush-shaped dog chews that are supposed to "brush plaque and tartar away!"

They also cost an arm and a leg, so they better be good!

The only problem we could forsee was that the Yorkies really weren't "chew" dogs. While The Noodle craves her rawhide every day, the only thing the terriorists were ever interested in treat-wise was cheese and each other's food.

But if it meant not having to chase them under the bed with toothbrushes, we were willing to try anything.

They loved them. Absolutely loved them.


We were amazed.

Nowadays---even if they are asleep halfway across the house---if anyone so much as crinkles a plastic bag within the vicinity of the kitchen, the three dogs race in like it's a 10-minute only 75% off sale at Shoe Carnival.

It's like doggie heroin, I tell you!


What the hell is in this stuff?

I looked at the ingredients list: Processed wheat gluten (wheat protein), glycerin, natural flavor, powdered cellulose fiber, monosodium phosphate, monoglycerides of edible fatty acid, magnesium stearate and chlorophyll.

Natural flavor? I looked up their website. "Natural Flavor: The ingredient used for the natural flavor is proprietary. However, we can tell you that it contains no beef protein and a very small amount of natural flavor is used."

I decided to put on my Mythbusters hat again.

I made a list. What are the flavors dogs love most in the world?

Peanut butter, bacon, cheese, dead squirrels, steak and other dogs' dookie.

My nephew, the Happening Dude, is visiting us this month. I had an extra victim to experiment with.

Since I'm the one who actually ate the vomit-flavored jelly bean the last time we were experimenting with questionable foodstuffs, I asked for volunteers.


Would anybody be willing to taste a greenie?

My husband shook his head. You have GOT to be shitting me!

It will probably give me cancer, said Number One Son.

The little guy was horrified.
I think that's child abuse!

How much would you pay me? asked the Happening Dude--a kid after my own heart.

I offered him a dollar. But I was willing to go to five. He took the dollar.

I've eaten dog biscuits before, he shrugged. They're really not that bad.


I decided that it was safer NOT to ask the obvious question. Even 14-year-olds deserve a little privacy.

He smelled it. It doesn't smell like anything.

He licked it. It doesn't have a taste.

Maybe you have to chew it a little bit, I suggested.

But don't break your tooth! Hubby warned.

He gnawed on it a bit. It tastes kind of sweet, he said.

Like candy? No.

And that was it. No bacon, cheese, dead squirrel, steak or doo-doo taste. It's just kind of sweet.

Later, I started thinking.

What if Greenies are like the food supplements in the movie Soylent Green?

What if that "natural flavor" taste is people taste? What do dogs love better than their peeps?

I mean, how would the buying public really know? Anybody gnaw on a person lately?

20 comments:

Lainey said...

I can see me trying to brush Elvis' teeth. He's like your little terrorists. And, since I made him bleed when I tried to clips his nails, he freaks even more.
Thanks for the tip...he's getting greenies!

As always, this post is hilarious!
I know where to come for a good laugh.

Me said...

Brush the dogs' teeth! Oh wow.

Big Pissy said...

Where does one purchase Greenies?

Mr. Buster hates it when I attempt to brush his teeth.

I'm getting desperate now and he is a poop eater AND loves to give me kisses!

Marymurtz said...

I have a 14 year old cat who has bad teeth. The vet said to clean his teeth regularly. I cannot stand to look into ANY living (or dead) thing's mouth, so it's up to hubby to do that. As you can imagine, brushing a cat's teeth is not fun. Consequently, hubby gave up after a few tries.

The cat ended up having to have mucho-expensive dental surgery, because his gums were so infected his kidneys were failing. Do they make greenies for cats?

shirley said...

Blogmad hit - ding!

Kate said...

We get a similar thing for our dogs - these aren't green though.

I am intrigued by your theory, you could be on to something there! LOL

carmachu said...

Thats why we have cats. No silly brushing the teeth or other craziness.

Attila The Mom said...

Lainey--it's hard enough to get the kids to brush their OWN teeth. Forget about the dogs!

BP---the best prices I've found are at dog.com (NOT dogs.com). They're hard to get up here in the mountains, and horribly expensive for 3 dogs.

Mary---yes, they do make them for cats, and in flavors too!

Kate---I get the heebee jeebees just thinking about it!

Carmachu--those mice bones do the trick. Chomp chomp!

Miss Keeks said...

ATM: I'm supposed to brush the cat's teeth daily. Tragically, I can barely remember to brush my own (but I do). Luckily they love Greenies too. And since the cats love them--you know what they're made of.

Charlie said...

About 3 years ago, we started giving our hounds Greenies. They just about inhaled them, doing nothing to clean their teeth. After two bites, they were down the hatch.

We noticed that both critters were gaining weight, even though they have an "active lifestyle". Without a lot of detail, I tracked it down to Greenies and a HUGE percentage of protein—something which older dogs do not need.

We went back to good old rawhide chews, which keeps them occupied for a good ten or twelve minutes.

happykat said...

I have experience chewing on a person. I gotta tell ya, I wouldn't classify person taste as sweet. It's more like a salty, musky flavor. Of course, I have never swallowed person...maybe there's a sweet aftertaste!??!

DutchBitch said...

IF it actually turns out to be "people flavour" the more worrying question would be: WHY do your not-really-chewy Terriorists love them that much? I would say: slooooowly step away from the Terriorists... check your nearest exit at all times...

fancy-face said...

I give my laberneese real soup bones or the pedigree denta bone's these both work miracles..because he neither doesn't like anything put in his mouth if it doesn't have anything to do with food...

Rootietoot said...

I love greenies. Our 4 dachshunds require daily brushing, too, and react the same as your yorkies-they vanish. I have the great good fortune of being related to a veterinarian so I can get them cheap(er)

Nikki said...

I have a pomeranian. I bought the toothbrush and doggie toothpaste. My little furrball didn't care much for the experience. Now I have a whole tube of doggie toothpaste and one slighly used doggie toothbrush in the dog cabinet that I'm loathed to get rid of.

Thanks for the heads up on Greenies.

Kippa Herring said...

My clever husband has seen "Soylent Green" twice (once on the big screen, and once on television), and he never understood until recently (it came up in conversation and I broke the news to him) that Soylent Green was made from people.
I still don't know what he thought the movie was about.

Kevin Charnas said...

very funny...the whole terroist image of your babies. we have two pups, one is a jack russel mix, which I interpret to be a cross between Janice Joplyn and a french kissing flying monkey. BOOM! all of a sudden,out of no where, her tongue's in your mouth.

we may have to try these mysterious green thingies.

Brenda said...

Ha! How do you think of this stuff?

I have 2 granddaughters who'd rather have the cat's food than their own.

petunia said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
petunia said...

My furbaby loves greenies and I didn't mind paying a little extra for her teeth - until I saw a 20/20, Dateline or one of those shows about how Greenies have actually killed some animals...
(http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/02/14/
dangerous.dogtreat/index.html)

I noticed that my dog would every once in a while puke up a blue ball like thing about the size of a walnut - i couldn't figure it out for a long time (i tried to give her a greenie once a week but i didn't always have them in my pantry). After the third or fourth blue ball i put two and two together and realized what it was - a greenie that had formed into something else in her stomach and it took two or three days to come out!- that was around the same time as the special on them. (just type in greenies killed in the search engine). My biggest concern were the owners of the company and their response. It was basically that the good outways the deaths.....yikes! I'm glad thees aren't people snacks