Tuesday, February 21, 2006

If I Was Boss For a Day...

I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.
---Kathy Griffin, comedian

Guys play fantasy football. I play fantasy fashion critic. So what if I'm sitting here in my ratty ol' sweatpants? Like you can see me.

If I could be Boss of Everything for one day, I think I would become a one of those fashion and hairstyle "do's and don'ts" people from Glamour magazine.

"Pull your pants up, dammit! Nobody EVER wants to see your ass crack!"

I think I'd start with Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). I would tell her that the hedgehog her stylist glued to her head is very distracting, especially during last year's confirmation hearings. I kept expecting it to jump off and bite Teddy Kennedy on the nose.

As for radical right political author Ann Coulter: Take advice from fashion maven RuPaul. An artfully draped Hermes scarf can camouflage even the most obvious adam's apple. Unless, of course, you really are going for the Chicks With Dicks look.

Calling all anorectic actresses: Don't kid yourself. Stick figures aren't sexy. Outside of Hollywood, only necrophiliacs fantasize about having sex with cadavers.

There's a reason why bras don't come in size "Concave"!

Eat a cheeseburger! I beg you!

Dear Michael Moore,

A little soap and water will not turn you into a right-winger.

I promise.

And this just leaves us to our final fashion victim of the day, Donald Trump.

Don---may I call you Don? I don't CARE what Larry King tells you. The plastic Malibu Ken doll "do" went out in the 70's.

Larry probably still listens to his 8-tracks in a polyester leisure suit.

In our next issue: Heroin. It's not just for super-models!


Miss Keeks said...

Poor Ann... and she thinks she's a hottie. Frankly, her adam's apple is bigger than RuPaul's.

(OK--I know some people think she really is a hottie. But they're just happy to have a relatively attractive spokesperson for the right. Let's face it, Rush isn't much to look at.)

debbiecakes said...

I agree with Miss Keeks.

I can help you write that fashion nay-sayers bit. I'm an armchair fashion critic, too.

Attila The Mom said...

In our next issue we should cover "Belly Shirts". gak!

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