Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Adventures of Attila and the Screaming O

I really debated over whether or not to write about this, but in the end, I just couldn't stop myself. What's a little humiliation between friends?

Hubby has been back east all week and will make it home in the wee hours tonight just in time to greet THD when he gets here tomorrow. But while he was gone, I had a little adventure of my own. ;-)

Back before the doctor cleared me for--er--moderate exercise, I was complaining a little bit about it to a friend of mine. Being the thoughtful person that she is, she sent me a gift basket with a bunch of "pamper-me" items---bath bombs, lotions, neat stuff like that.

And a little vibrator. Snarf.

Not being very familiar with those kinds of appliances (hey! no snickering in the peanut gallery!), Hubby and I had a big giggle over the name of it---The Screaming O---as we marveled over all the features ("Wow, it's got a strap to stick your finger in! Look! All you have to do is push on the bottom to turn it on! It's so small I could pick my nose with it! I could pick YOUR nose with it!)


Then we turned it on, stuck it under the sheet on the bed and laughed our heinies off as our dog kept pouncing on it and snarling in fury as she attempted to kill it.

We are easily amused.

I don't really remember what we did with it after that, and I was a little surprised to find it under the couch yesterday as I was picking up stuff before vacuuming. It had some teeth marks on it, so I suspect that somehow the dog had finally gotten a hold of it and dragged it under there to chew up. When it didn't fight back she gave up.

I stuck it in my pocket (didn't want the Little Guy to find it, because then I'd have to explain it, and he'd probably tell everybody at school and wouldn't THAT be embarrassing) and finished cleaning.

A couple of hours later I walked up to the mailboxes at the top of the road to get the mail. Ran into an elderly neighbor of ours who was walking her dog. I chatted with her for a minute and reached into my pocket for my mailbox key.

That Screaming O fell out onto the ground.

Not only did it fall on the ground, but it landed on the end where you turn it on and STARTED VIBRATING!

If that wasn't bad enough, my neighbor bent over and picked it up! While it was vibrating. I almost died.

She looked at it curiously and said, "I had no idea these came in blue!" Then she pushed the bottom and turned it off.

Before she handed it to me, she examined the teeth marks and said, "Looks like it's time to get a new one, Dear."


I can't imagine what she must have been thinking (especially the teeth marks). Worse yet, I can't believe she knew that it came in colors and how to turn it off.

I think I'm going to become a hermit. For the rest of my life.

I mean it.

39 comments:

She said...

HILARIOUS! And I know you can't make this stuff up! It got a loud laugh out of me!!!

(Perhaps this is just the type of "device" what we all need!)

Frau said...

OMG that is so EFFing funny I'm crying! Thank you I so needed to laugh. I'd like to say we have been there but my mailbox doesnt have a lock to it! "Looks like its time for a new one honey"! Classic!

Missicat said...

Oh. my. G-d. Thanks for the laugh!

Brenda said...

Ahahahahahaha Chew marks!!!!!!

Charlie said...

Just when I think that you can't get any funnier, you turn right around and get funnier.

Not that I know anything about those things, you understand.

Beth said...

I'd LOVE to meet your neighbour!
What a woman!

Star said...

Too funny ! Thanks for sharing it with us.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

For the young and the old, we have more in common than we think.

Jan said...

Hilarious. Great storytelling. Ya, old people vibrate.

Traceytreasure said...

This could only happen to you. OMG, that's the best story I've read in a long time. I'll be giggling to myself about that all day. I would have thought it was a dog toy, having never seen one before. At least she obviously owns one in probably every color except BLUE!! LOL!!

Hugs!!

KL said...

This is JUST like that commercial for those things!!!

Chris H said...

OH MY GOD! What a scream! I bet you never look at that neighbour the same again! How hilarious. And embarassing.
I have a vibrator..it's black and purple... but I sure in hell don't carry it around in me pocket! lol

Chris H said...

OH and it has NO teeth marks.... yet! Teddy is not allowed in my bedroom!

Ellen said...

I totally needed a laugh, figured I'd find one if I came here, and I wasn't disappointed!!! Why don't I have any cool neighbors like that?

iceehot said...

BWAHAHAHAHA! Now that was funny. Thanks for the laugh! =)

Koolio said...

I really don't know what to say to this so I'll just leave you with "Oh my!". :)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

"I didn't know these came in blue." THAT is the funniest part!

I'm humming "good vibrations" now...

Heather said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
that is some FUNNY shit right there.


awesome.

Stinkypaw said...

Oh come on! This is too funny not to laugh! Like an old lady told me once, it's not because they're old that they don't know what feels good! ;-)

Rachel said...

Shut UP. This did NOT happen, did it????? OMG, hysterical!!!

digibirder said...

Mine stays in the bedside cabinet - until needed, of course!

"I don't really remember what we did with it after that" - tell us another one!!

Kim Ayres said...

Superb! I'll be chuckling tomyself all evening now :)

karatemom said...

hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa totally pictured the entire scene..rotflmao..thanks for sharing!!

Krishanna said...

That'll teach ya and yer fancy pre-conceived notions! LOLOLOL

Ms. 50something said...

Just read the one article and am hooked. What colors does it come in?

Big Pissy said...

AWESOME!!!!!

and so is your neighbor! ;-)

The Church Lady said...

OMG - LOL! That is hysterical. Great story!! Bwaaaahaaaa!
Thanks for sharing.

Mel said...

HA! Ha haha hahahahaha! That is damn funny. DAMN FUNNY. I don't even know what else to say. Just - DAMN FUNNY.

Paula and Skip said...

Hi, I just stumbled over your blog and fell over this blue-ish item... Your story is so hilarious, you really made my day. Such a good laugh. Sorry for my wording - I do still struggle with English. Paula

Pete said...

i'm cracking up here!!!!

Joe said...

You're killing me.

ntsc said...

Last night my wife and I were at the awards dinner of a neighboring section of my Professional Society. I am currently chair of the Section I live in, so we get invited to these.

At the end of the Awards presentation they had a door prize drawing (I didn't win). A older woman siting next to my wife, her husband looked as if he might have taken notes when Edison and Bell founded the Society - he has been a member almost as long as I have been alive, turns to my wife and asks: 'Why don't they give away something we could use, like vibrators?'

Maddy said...

Oh good grief, I'd crawl in a hole and die very, very quietly.

Valerie Marie said...

Love you!

Joanna Jenkins said...

You made me laugh out loud!!!! Will you be my new best friend. What a hoot!

joker the lurcher said...

this is the sort of thing that happens to me. only i don't have one of those thingys. yet. i have a friend who has one called dave. i have a dog called dave so it always seems funny that her thingy is dave too. ok, i'm rambling...

sarala said...

That is just too funny. I haven't been by in a while and I'm already laughing. You should write a humor column for a newspaper somewhere and rake in the big bucks. Or big yucks at least.

phlegmfatale said...

heh. heh.

If it wasn't this... said...

OMG Attila ... hubby and I are dying laughing !! Absolutely hilarious