Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Parenting and "The Package"

The other day, A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us (aka AKWINR) said to me, How come you're not being funny any more?

"What? You mean as in 'funny ha-ha' or 'funny-looking'?"

You're not being funny on your blog any more. You're sad or mad at stuff.

"Ahhh, well, I've been busy, and I was sick, and we've had a lot going on. My store of funny has been a little depleted lately."

Well then, why don't you write about my package?


You know, that funny thing about my package. The one you threatened to blog about. You have my permission to write about it.

Oy! Well...ok...it was pretty funny.

I suppose there comes a time similar conversations to the one below crop up when you're parenting boys.

At least I hope so. I don't want to be the only circus freak out there.

Some years ago, Little Guy went through a phase where he discovered the name for his buddy and went around saying, My penis, penis, penis! quite frequently. So hubby got him to substitute "The Unit" instead. At least in mixed company.

Fortunately, that phase didn't last long.

Now of course, every time a commercial comes on for the new TV Show "The Unit", Little Guy laughs his heinie off.

A little over a year ago, AKWINR took me aside to ask me if any of those male enhancement things he sees in spam emails really work.

He was feeling a little "inadequate" in that department. And since he has OCD, I knew this could get a little obsessive and he might actually try to buy some kind of pump or supplement...and who the heck knows what's in them?

I had to nip this in the bud, and fast.

I said, "No, they're scams. Just ask your dad."

I don't want to ask him. I'd be embarrassed.

"What about MY embarrassment? You think I want to be having this discussion?"

But you're my mom. If I can't ask you, who can I ask?

"Ok, I'm telling you right now. All that spam you see on the Internet about enlargement is a scam."

But, Mom, how do YOU know? It's endorsed by REAL DOCTORS!

(insert big eyeroll)

"If our family doc (who's a REAL DOCTOR too!) confirms what I'm saying, will you believe it?"

So I took him to the family doc, and they had a long private talk. Son is completely "normal" in every way.

The doc suggested I talk to him about how size isn't an indicator of a good lover, that there are techniques, and foreplay, and....

Whoa. Stop right there!

You have GOT to be sh*tting me! Boundaries, Bucko! Boundaries!

Why can't the kid read about it in Penthouse Forum, or wherever guys figured out that kind of stuff back in the day?

So I broke down bought the kid some books.

Lots of books. Sex For Dummies, and a couple of hip, trendy books about relationships. He sneered at me a little, but I know he read every word.

Alas, this wasn't the end of it. He wasn't satisfied with being "normal".

"Normal" wasn't good enough.

He wanted to wake up in the morning and be Long Dong Silver.

I said, "Who in the world ever gave you the idea that having sex with a-uh-unit that size would be pleasurable?"

My friends. You know, the girls. They all make comments about how they want big d*cks, and it makes me feel bad.

That's it. I have HAD IT!

Since when did girl talk become a co-ed sport? I know it's the day of Jerry Springer, but c'mon!

So I said, "The next time they're nasty enough to talk about it in front of you, forget about being a gentleman and just quote Tom Arnold."

Tom Arnold?

Yeah. When he and Roseanne got divorced, she made some inappropriate and classless public remarks about Tom's lack in the size department.

So he said, "Even a 747 looks small when it flies into the Grand Canyon."

I know, I know---the sisterhood is going to revoke my membership card and burn me at the stake!

But I've got boys to raise.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

The Sunday Trumpet--Most Haunted

Jen wasn't able to fulfill her gasbaggery duties this week, so Omninaif was kind enough to step up to the plate with short notice!

Just in time for Halloween, he's come up with the perfect review of Most Haunted at his blog A Droll Way to Look at Things.

Stop by and say "Boo!"

If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!

Previous reviews this season:

The Eleventh

Looking Beyond the Cracked Window

Note to new Gasbags: Don't forget to post a link to these reviews on your blog on Sundays so others will do the same for you when it's your turn!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

How Much is Too Much?

I know it's Halloween---time for all kinds of good creepy fun.

But how much is too much?

I think Lisa over at Women Having it All has found it.


Thursday, October 26, 2006

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up...

Last week, hubby had the sad task of going back east to his hometown to help his parents move out of their home of 47 years into an assisted living complex. Fortunately his other siblings gathered together to participate and make it a loving family event.

In the meantime, I was still down with the flu and barely able to maintain a minimum of interest in life.

Luckily my guys are teens, and able to function on their own (if it means throwing something into the microwave to keep from starving. No I am NOT going to make you French Toast with brown sugar and cinnamon, dammit! I'm dying here!)

There wasn't any school on Thursday or Friday, due to parent/teacher conferences, so Little Guy was home. By Friday night, both Big Kid and Little Guy were stir-crazy. They begged me to take them into town to the video store.

So I dragged my carcass to the car, and the guys picked out a few movies that we probably wouldn't watch if hubby was home.

As long as there aren't any nekkid boobies or spurting stumps, I don't mind watching crap if it means I can bond with the guys (There is something very wrong with watching American Wedding next to your teen-age son).

While we were checking out, I noticed that it was starting to snow.


I said to the guys, "You want to go next door and pick up some dinner from Subway?" I wasn't being altruistic---they wanted to order pizza, but if I won't drive on slick mountain roads, I sure as heck don't want some teenager doing it for minimum wage just so my guys can have cheesy bites.

They agreed enthusiastically.

The young guy with the long hair and the soul patch who was ringing up our movies curled his lip.

"You don't want to eat there!" he said. "Their food is bad for you!"

"Well Jerod seems to like it" I said mildly---referring to the guy who lost a zillion pounds eating Subway Sandwiches and made himself a household name (plus got himself a lifetime contract starring in the commercials even though he's about as motivating as a box full of dirt).

"Jerod would eat ANYTHING! He just likes food!", Soul Patch sneered.


We went next door to Subway and got in line.

In front of us was a healthy young man who was blocking the flow and holding back from getting his order, because he was busy yakking up a couple of high school girls who were sitting and eating and trying not to look bored out of their skulls.

My Little Guy broke the spell. "Hi Britnee!!! Hi Ambergris!!!"

Ranting about girls who have porn star names is best kept to another post entirely.

Healthy Young Man ordered 3 sandwiches. I noticed that he was wearing a video store shirt, and snickered to myself. Apparently not all the employees over there agree with Soul Patch about the crappiness of Subway subs, since this guy was obviously ordering for them.

While he was waiting for the "sandwich artists" to assemble his stuff, Healthy Young Man asked my guys what movies they got. They told him, and he launched into a soliloquy about how he has a such a huge DVD collection that he could watch a different movie every night for 3 years. And expounded about his comic book collection. And so on. And so on. And so on.

Meanwhile, his sandwiches were wrapped and ready to be rung up, and the "sandwich artists" were trying to get our order. My guys were hungry and restless. He finally got the point and moved on.

We got our order, and started walking out of the store.

Healthy Young Man was sitting at a table, eating all three sandwiches.

My guys said bye to him.

I said, "It was nice talking to you...", and looked down at his nametag. "Jerod".

Fortunately, I was able to hold it together until I got to the car.

I swear, you just can't make this stuff up!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

A New Definition for Lard-Ass

Now I'm not making fun of people who have too much junk in their trunk, especially because I'm one of them.

The only reason I didn't join Nikki's "Operation Lose That Ass" a couple of months ago was because I couldn't decide on what cheek to sacrifice!

...and I didn't want to give up the macaroni and cheese.

After reading an article today, I'm going to rethink that.

A 600-lb man was being cremated in Salt Lake City recently, and when his uh--jiggly parts--heated up they liquefied, and were too much for the oven. They overran the chamber and seeped onto the floor.

Where they promptly burst into flames.

Firefighters rarely see this kind of fire, but "It really does condense or break down that fat into a greasy product, just like a grease fire," said a representative of the department. "Only a little bit can cause a flame to go up."

Ew. How embarassing. I don't think I could live with that.

I know I'd be dead, but still. I'd hate my legacy to be a punchline in someone's joke when they pointed to a grease spot on the floor.

So pass the carrot sticks, please!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Parents Behaving Badly---Danny Vu, Again!

You might remember Danny Vu when I wrote him up as Asshat of the Week. He's the guy who tried to sell his toddler daughter to a customer in his nail salon for $7000. Why? He needed some money to fix up his home.

Turns out he tried to do it before.

After his arrest, another client came forward and reported that Vu had offered her his daughter for $10,000. Vu faces trial in January.

Since there's been a lot of anti-adoption brouhaha of the "Natural Family or No Family at All" type going around on some of the adoption blogs lately, what I want to know is:

Is there NEVER an instance where adoption is an appropriate solution for a kid?

You'd think trying to sell your child for cash would rank somewhere on the top ten I Really REALLY Don't Want to be a Parent list.


Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Sunday Trumpet---Wolf Creek

Jo over at Looking Beyond the Cracked Window is in a unique position as a reviewer. Being a screenwriter, she gets to be annoyed by all the technical snafus us regular sheeples wouldn't notice when watching a movie!

That said, she picked a movie the kid actually had on our "to see" list. It's another one of those supposedly "Based on a true story" tales (Ha! Like I'm going to believe THAT after Fargo!).

I like a good scary flick as much as the next person, but after reading her review, I think I'd rather clean out the lint trap. Drop by her blog and give her your 2 cents!

If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!

Previous reviews this season:

The Eleventh

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I'm Still Here

I know I've been remiss in posting (and commenting on other blogs) lately.

Some of it has been because I've gone back to college with my older son, and have been trying to settle into a routine.

Most recently it's because I got the flu and it knocked me on my butt for a week or so.

But really, those are just secondary reasons.

Ever hear about the elephant in the living room? The one that everybody has to step around and tries to pretend isn't there?

That's me on my blog.

I haven't been able to write about it, because it's been too overwhelming. It's just been impossible to write about funny stuff because I've been as clogged up as a drain stuffed full of hair.

There's now a light at the end of the tunnel, and my son, aka The Kid Who Is Not Related To Us, gave me permission to write about it.

I first wrote about his problem in A Reality RX. The panic attacks were subsiding and we were able to find some humor in life in The Continuing Adventures....

Very shortly afterwards, near the end of the summer, the attacks started turning into something else. Zero to rage in 60 seconds. Or ultimate heart-wrenching despair. Over trivialities.

Big Kid's initial diagnosis in childhood was ADHD, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and CAPD (Central Auditory Processing Disorder). None of it affected his cognitive ability, and with medication, behavior modification and some school helps (he processes information better when it's in print), he graduated with his class in high school and was accepted into college. Sure, there have been ups and downs---some big, some small, but things were really looking rosy for him.

He's been under regular care, and we all decided that he needed to have a full re-evaluation. Unfortunately, we were unable to get him on the schedule for months. In the meantime, his docs tried to get his moods stabilized with medication.

Those who've gone through the wringer with these issues know that there is no magic pill. There is no "one size fits all" treatment. A lot of it is trial and error to get the right medication and dosage.

One of the medications we tried to stabilize him with was supposed to last for 12 hours. It doesn't. And the rebound effect was horrific. His therapist called the paramedics one night (we had him on the phone) because Big Kid was screaming his head off in the front yard wearing nothing but his shorts.

Of course, the police and fire department had to show up as well, turning it into a complete three-ring circus.

The police showed up first (turns out a dispatcher had sent this out as a domestic violence call, which is NOT what the therapist called in), and by the time they got there, we had been able to get the kid to take his meds and calm down a bit. They thought he was high, searched him, kept asking him where he kept his drugs, threatened to arrest him, etc, and basically scared the hell out of him. And us.

This was NOT a good thing.

It took the paramedics explaining that some of the meds the kid was taking can have a narcotic-appearing effect to get them to back down. Of course, they wouldn't take OUR word for it, even when I showed them the prescriptions. arghh. I know they were doing their job (they were very courteous and professional), but it really didn't improve the situation.

Anyway, the evaluation is over and we got the results earlier in the week. The doctors think The Big Kid has developed bi-polar disorder and is rapid-cycling. The constant anxiety and panic attacks he had in the spring were a precursor. Unfortunately the medication that he was taking for ADHD and OCD exacerbates it.

On the bright side, he's been pretty stable for the last couple of weeks. On the not-so-bright side---the meds make him really tired and hungry. We're trying to dial them back slowly to a manageable dose with the least amount of side-effects.

If anyone has any experience with this, could you recommend some reading---anything informational with coping, diet and exercise tips would be great. I've been reading so many websites that it's hard to figure out what's crap and what's not.

I haven't been neglecting you all on purpose---things have just been a little, uh, nuts around the Attila house lately.

Thanks for all your continued good wishes!

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Sunday Trumpet---Phantom of the Opera

Yes, yes, I KNOW it's Monday, but I've been sick as all get-out and could barely drag my carcass to the computer.

Mary over at The Eleventh graciously kicked off the new review season and gave the Phantom of the Opera a well-deserved smack-down. Drop by and give her a holler!

If you'd like to join the Gasbags, sign up here!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Thanks Everybody!

Thanks so much for all your advice and suggestions on dry-skin care. I've got a list for hubby when he goes into the city tomorrow of things we can all try.

Except for Mr. Fab's suggestion. Ew. LOL

All that handwashing has NOT paid off. I've been flat on my back for the last couple of days with either a really nasty cold or the flu. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Luckily I've got three guys taking good care of me.

I'll be back in a couple of days.

Have a great weekend!

Monday, October 09, 2006

Advice Needed...

Anybody know of some product out there for severely dry, cracked hands?

Here's my dilemma:

I live in a dry climate. It's only October, but as the winter progresses, with the heater, woodstove, etc. things are just going to get worse.

I do try to hydrate from the inside out and get my 8+ glasses a day.

I'm a regular hand-washer---before, during, after cooking, especially if I'm handling things like raw meat, or chicken, etc.

I'm a good girl and I religiously wash after using the bathroom, even if I didn't get "any" on me.

I've got extra hand washing duty since I'm in school, because I've been following recommendations about washing before and after using the toilet. Maybe it's the industrial soap foam thingy.

I'm not OCD, I'm just a damn cold and flu virus magnet. Before, my kids would come home and infect me with germs. Now I'm walking around in a petri dish.

I've used Vasoline Intensive Care, Jergins, Lubriderm, Eucerin, and most recently Neutrogena Norwegian Formula. The Norwegian Formula is ok, but for some reason (I think it's unscented), the unscent drives me nuts. It makes my eyes water and my nose tingle.

Can anybody recommend a really intensive product that I don't have to put on 12 times a day? I'm willing to slather it on and wear gloves overnight.


Friday, October 06, 2006

I'd Like the Heart Attack on a Platter, Please. With Extra Mayo...

Good Gravy!

I've written a few posts about gross, odd or unhealthy edibles in the past, and figured it was time for another round-up.

This one is so revolting that I don't even know WHAT to say about it.

Chocolate Chip pancakes wrapped around sausage on a stick? That's almost as bad as putting a Hershey Bar in an Egg McMuffin.

And what about TGI Friday's new appetizers? Deep-fried battered Green Beans? I mean other than Green Been Casserole, what worse thing could you do to these perfectly inoffensive vegetables?

As much as I love Macaroni and Cheese---it's the #1 Comfort Food in our family---I can't imagine eating breaded and deep fried chunks of it. Ok, I can imagine it, but then I wouldn't be posting as Attila the Mom---I'd be calling myself Pizza the Hut!

I wonder if some of these companies are owned by the pharmaceutical industry. So they can sell us more diet pills and cholesterol medicine. It's gotta be a conspiracy, I tell you!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Going Beyond Hate

I always thought Fred Ph*lps from the W*stboro B*ptist Ch*rch was pretty slick in the way he challenged free speech laws in order to vomit his venom across the country.

Now I'm convinced that he's actually crazier than a shithouse rat (apologies to crazy shithouse rats everywhere).

I don't want to give this hateful SOB any more time/press or thought, but after turning on the news this morning I can't stop shaking my head.

Let me get this right.

God killed those poor little Amish girls because the Governor of Pennsylvania ridiculed Ph*lps and his ch*rch of hate. Ph*lps and his evil little minions are going to picket the funerals.

Mr. "I'm-Exercising-My-Right-To-Free-Speech" doesn't believe that the rights he enjoys (and manipulates) as a citizen of this country should be extended to any other citizen.

And God will strike down innocent children to prove it. Ph*lps has gone beyond being a self-proclaimed "disciple" and is now wagging the dog. God is his personal assassin.

Methinks somebody needs to spike the water with haldol over at the compound. Or maybe give Mr. Free Speech a vacation in a nice soft hotel room with a sports coat that ties in the back.


Update: Apparently the group is not going to picket in exchange for air time on Mike Gallagher's show. One of the clan was on Hannity and Colmes the other night and here is a Partial Transcript, if you can stomach it.

I think they need to super-size that haldol order.

And P.S. Doesn't God have some kind of rule against inbreeding?