Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Parenting and "The Package"

The other day, A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us (aka AKWINR) said to me, How come you're not being funny any more?

"What? You mean as in 'funny ha-ha' or 'funny-looking'?"

You're not being funny on your blog any more. You're sad or mad at stuff.

"Ahhh, well, I've been busy, and I was sick, and we've had a lot going on. My store of funny has been a little depleted lately."

Well then, why don't you write about my package?


You know, that funny thing about my package. The one you threatened to blog about. You have my permission to write about it.

Oy! Well...ok...it was pretty funny.

I suppose there comes a time similar conversations to the one below crop up when you're parenting boys.

At least I hope so. I don't want to be the only circus freak out there.

Some years ago, Little Guy went through a phase where he discovered the name for his buddy and went around saying, My penis, penis, penis! quite frequently. So hubby got him to substitute "The Unit" instead. At least in mixed company.

Fortunately, that phase didn't last long.

Now of course, every time a commercial comes on for the new TV Show "The Unit", Little Guy laughs his heinie off.

A little over a year ago, AKWINR took me aside to ask me if any of those male enhancement things he sees in spam emails really work.

He was feeling a little "inadequate" in that department. And since he has OCD, I knew this could get a little obsessive and he might actually try to buy some kind of pump or supplement...and who the heck knows what's in them?

I had to nip this in the bud, and fast.

I said, "No, they're scams. Just ask your dad."

I don't want to ask him. I'd be embarrassed.

"What about MY embarrassment? You think I want to be having this discussion?"

But you're my mom. If I can't ask you, who can I ask?

"Ok, I'm telling you right now. All that spam you see on the Internet about enlargement is a scam."

But, Mom, how do YOU know? It's endorsed by REAL DOCTORS!

(insert big eyeroll)

"If our family doc (who's a REAL DOCTOR too!) confirms what I'm saying, will you believe it?"

So I took him to the family doc, and they had a long private talk. Son is completely "normal" in every way.

The doc suggested I talk to him about how size isn't an indicator of a good lover, that there are techniques, and foreplay, and....

Whoa. Stop right there!

You have GOT to be sh*tting me! Boundaries, Bucko! Boundaries!

Why can't the kid read about it in Penthouse Forum, or wherever guys figured out that kind of stuff back in the day?

So I broke down bought the kid some books.

Lots of books. Sex For Dummies, and a couple of hip, trendy books about relationships. He sneered at me a little, but I know he read every word.

Alas, this wasn't the end of it. He wasn't satisfied with being "normal".

"Normal" wasn't good enough.

He wanted to wake up in the morning and be Long Dong Silver.

I said, "Who in the world ever gave you the idea that having sex with a-uh-unit that size would be pleasurable?"

My friends. You know, the girls. They all make comments about how they want big d*cks, and it makes me feel bad.

That's it. I have HAD IT!

Since when did girl talk become a co-ed sport? I know it's the day of Jerry Springer, but c'mon!

So I said, "The next time they're nasty enough to talk about it in front of you, forget about being a gentleman and just quote Tom Arnold."

Tom Arnold?

Yeah. When he and Roseanne got divorced, she made some inappropriate and classless public remarks about Tom's lack in the size department.

So he said, "Even a 747 looks small when it flies into the Grand Canyon."

I know, I know---the sisterhood is going to revoke my membership card and burn me at the stake!

But I've got boys to raise.


Boo7 said...

OMG thanks for the hilarious story.....still laughing over here!!!! I wonder if my sis, who has 3 boys, goes through this kinda shit??? I think she told me that they go to their Dad with this sort of query.....and she quickly added an hallelujah to that as well!!!

Tracie said...

I am so glad that I have a girl!! So thankful!!

Anonymous said...

If I ever. Oh, yes, EVER. find out my daughters are talking to a guy about a preference "for big dicks," they will soon be expressing a preference for being un-duct-taped from the wall of their room.
The end.

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Your membershipcard of the bitch-sisterhood is still valid and will be FOREVER!!! LMAO

Annie Drogynous said...

I must remember that line for when my son is that age! I have to say, it must be pretty awkward talking to your son about sex. I better start reading up on the how to's now!

Kim Ayres said...

EVERY young man suffers from OCD about his penis size. So do several older men too. Unfortunately it seems to be that it will only disappear once he's learned how to use it properly.

You do right to keep him clear of these spam messages though - I knew a guy who had one of these pump things which caused all the blood vessels in the tip to burst.

Point him to Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_enlargement where there are enough horror stories to put him off the idea.

Special K said...

Well done, Attila...I'm not sure I would have handled this situation so gracefully. Actually, I'm positive I would have bunged it right up.


OneEar said...

The doctor should have informed him as to how wealth magically enhances penis size.

abfh said...

If anyone ever invents a penis enlargement treatment that really works, all the guys in the world will be going around with their dick hanging out the bottom of their pants and dragging the floor. Clothing will have to be redesigned.

As much as guys like to laugh at women who have boob jobs, their dick insecurity is way funnier.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I walk around saying "penis penis penis" all day. What's the problem?

otter said...

I feel your pain! I raised two boys who never went to their dad for info. Guess I established too good of a relationship with them. Sometimes I just wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and sing lalalala!
And...don't get to thinking they outgrow it. After 30 years of marriage and "bedtime happiness" , I get the same song and dance about size from hubby about every 6 months. No wonder the boys never went to him.
I suggest getting a female pet...just to try to balance the hormone content in the house. That's what I had to do.

Miss Keeks said...

Well, you can always explain that too much is bad.

A friend of mine finally hooked up with a guy she'd had her eye on for a while (of course, this is a number of years ago). When he took off his pants--his dick was so big that she started cracking up and said, "there's no way you're putting that in me!" She put her clothes on and walked out--laughing hysterically.

Brenda said...

HAhahahahahahaha! Excellent. Has anyone told you lately how lucky your boys are to have a Momma like you?

My son was always totally honest with me too, to the point that one morning I grabbed him by the shoulders, shook his 6 foot 2 self, and said, "There are SOME things a Mother does NOT want to know!" Geez,,,I was having nightmares.

Stinkypaw said...

You're doing a great job, in a "funny" way, but great nonetheless!

I don't think I'll ever watch "The Unit" without a smirk on my face - thanks!

Remind him it's not only about size but how it's used!

Nikki said...

laughing, laughing, laughing.


I love that kid who's not related to you...

Rootietoot said...

Very good Attila...I will never understand the relationship boys have with their penises, but since 5 penises live in my house I have learned to accept that some things must be simply accepted. I think you handled it well.

Now, brace yourself for the time you're helping your newly emancipated and rather ill son clean his apartment, and you find condoms in a dresser drawer. You just soldier on.

carmachu said...

OMG thats HYSTERICAL! But sadly I'm raising a girl so I dont have to have that conversation.

I'm sure it gets worse with girls....and since I'm a boy what do I know?

Samantha said...

I think one of my favourite sayings is quite appropriate here:

"It ain't the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean! . . .But have you tried to get to America in a rowboat?!"

Kathy said...

Atilla, the sign of a great mom is when her sons will talk to her about the things that are most important to them. YOU are an amazing mom, and I've seen that first hand.

My mom had a friend who years ago regretted teaching her young sons the word penis. When she was in the OB/GYN's office pregnant with #3 son, the older two (probably age 2 and 3 or 3 and 4 at the time) got into an argument about which had the bigger penis.

And LMAO Oneear, just like the doc needs to warn him that beer improves how other people look.

Anonymous said...

LOL...I have the same kind of discussions with my boys. Makes life interesting for us moms, doesn't it?

happykat said...


You may retain your good mommy badge.

lildb said...

this, THIS is the kind of thing I want to read, because I want zero surprises as to what the future involving my son looks like.

thank you for this important public service announcement, lady A.


Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

That is hilarious. I had not heard that comeback from Tom Arnold. That is the best.

I think you handled it all super well.


Anonymous said...

This is so funny. Can I read it to my 14 year old son? I hope he hasn't started worrying about how big his (insert latest spam word here) is. If he is he hasn't told me.
My theory is that only adolescents buy the products advertised on this particular spam. Someone should do a survey. Then again I hope the kids aren't buying the viagra.

Ruth Dynamite said...

I am so not ready for these types of discussions. You have got to be The Coolest Mom on the planet.

Girl In Her Underwear said...

WOAH HO HOOOOOOOO! You're better than I am! I'm very impressed you took him to the doctor AND bought him books! How cool is it that he came to you! You must be doing something right if he felt that comfortable to talk to you. And those little girls are horrible! YUCK!