Parenting and "The Package"

The other day, A Kid Who Is Not Related To Us (aka AKWINR) said to me, How come you're not being funny any more?

"What? You mean as in 'funny ha-ha' or 'funny-looking'?"

You're not being funny on your blog any more. You're sad or mad at stuff.

"Ahhh, well, I've been busy, and I was sick, and we've had a lot going on. My store of funny has been a little depleted lately."

Well then, why don't you write about my package?

"WHAT???"

You know, that funny thing about my package. The one you threatened to blog about. You have my permission to write about it.

Oy! Well...ok...it was pretty funny.

I suppose there comes a time similar conversations to the one below crop up when you're parenting boys.

At least I hope so. I don't want to be the only circus freak out there.

Some years ago, Little Guy went through a phase where he discovered the name for his buddy and went around saying, My penis, penis, penis! quite frequently. So hubby got him to substitute "The Unit" instead. At least in mixed company.

Fortunately, that phase didn't last long.

Now of course, every time a commercial comes on for the new TV Show "The Unit", Little Guy laughs his heinie off.

A little over a year ago, AKWINR took me aside to ask me if any of those male enhancement things he sees in spam emails really work.

He was feeling a little "inadequate" in that department. And since he has OCD, I knew this could get a little obsessive and he might actually try to buy some kind of pump or supplement...and who the heck knows what's in them?

I had to nip this in the bud, and fast.

I said, "No, they're scams. Just ask your dad."

I don't want to ask him. I'd be embarrassed.

"What about MY embarrassment? You think I want to be having this discussion?"

But you're my mom. If I can't ask you, who can I ask?

"Ok, I'm telling you right now. All that spam you see on the Internet about enlargement is a scam."

But, Mom, how do YOU know? It's endorsed by REAL DOCTORS!

(insert big eyeroll)

"If our family doc (who's a REAL DOCTOR too!) confirms what I'm saying, will you believe it?"

So I took him to the family doc, and they had a long private talk. Son is completely "normal" in every way.

The doc suggested I talk to him about how size isn't an indicator of a good lover, that there are techniques, and foreplay, and....

Whoa. Stop right there!

You have GOT to be sh*tting me! Boundaries, Bucko! Boundaries!

Why can't the kid read about it in Penthouse Forum, or wherever guys figured out that kind of stuff back in the day?

So I broke down bought the kid some books.

Lots of books. Sex For Dummies, and a couple of hip, trendy books about relationships. He sneered at me a little, but I know he read every word.

Alas, this wasn't the end of it. He wasn't satisfied with being "normal".

"Normal" wasn't good enough.

He wanted to wake up in the morning and be Long Dong Silver.

I said, "Who in the world ever gave you the idea that having sex with a-uh-unit that size would be pleasurable?"

My friends. You know, the girls. They all make comments about how they want big d*cks, and it makes me feel bad.

That's it. I have HAD IT!

Since when did girl talk become a co-ed sport? I know it's the day of Jerry Springer, but c'mon!

So I said, "The next time they're nasty enough to talk about it in front of you, forget about being a gentleman and just quote Tom Arnold."

Tom Arnold?

Yeah. When he and Roseanne got divorced, she made some inappropriate and classless public remarks about Tom's lack in the size department.

So he said, "Even a 747 looks small when it flies into the Grand Canyon."

**************

I know, I know---the sisterhood is going to revoke my membership card and burn me at the stake!

But I've got boys to raise.