Sunday, August 21, 2011

Come Together...

Ok. Well this is awkward. But I'd like to hear some experiences, just as--uh--maybe a poll---if you will, from some of my friends in blogland.

Men, this will prolly be more awkward for you, so feel free to run, run like hell.

When I was a teen and early 20ish person, my reading taste ran to the historical romantic bodice rippers (I still think that Jennifer Wilde's Angel in Scarlet is the best romance novel ever written. The fact that the author turned out to be an aging man with a bad comb-over really freaked me out for a lot of years).

Later my taste turned to horror (Steven King, Anne Rice, etc), and ultimately to mystery/thrillers.

While my friend KL was here, I turned her on to some of my fave authors (Beverly Connor, Charlene Harris, Elizabeth George and Martha Grimes). We went to the library and borrowed a buttload of books.

Anyhoo, I picked up a few old romance favorites for nostalgia's sake, just because...and then sampled what those authors had written since then, and then tried a few more. I like Amanda Quick, except that she tends to pick a sexual phrase and beat it to death within each particular book. I mean how many times can a man's kiss be "drugging"? Gah.

Now that I'm older, and have been around the block a time or two, I'm viewing these books with a different eye. Instead of thinking that this stuff is the ultimate in romantic relationships, I'm thinking, "who in the hell are you kidding?"

I remember my first time with sex as being awkward, painful and a bit messy. Yes I was certainly aroused and interested to begin with, but did it turn out to be explosively satisfying?

No.

I wondered what the big freaking deal was.

I've read 10 books in a row, and in each one, the hero has (after the brief, painful thrust) brought his lover to the heights of ecstasy. Has this actually happened to anyone?

In my case at the time I was wondering "oh geez am I bleeding all over the place?" and "Oh God, I feel like I'm going to fart!" Actually having an orgasm wasn't even in the ballpark. I just didn't want to embarrass myself.

I've been married twice, and had a few boyfriends in between. Sex has never been a problem in my long-term relationships. It's mostly been fun, freaky and fabulous.

But never, ever have we reached "the moment" at the same time.

In my 20's it made me feel inadequate when I read those books. I thought that "two hearts that beat as one" means you should be able to time yourselves and work together to--uh--share the moment.

I'd just like to read ONE book where the heroine turns to her lover after he's limp and lifeless and says, "I'm not done yet. Can you get the fireworks out of your eyes and come over here and help finish me off?"

LOL

So what's been YOUR experience? C'mon, don't be shy!

24 comments:

Brenda said...

I find sex and romance messes up a good horror, murder, syfy, thriller.
I don't have much to report other than I was married for almost a year and had just given birth to my first child before I even knew what an organism was. Boy was I surprised.

Mary said...

Uh.......................
I agree that the romance books are highly unrealistic. Let's just leave it at that. Other than to say "two hearts that beat as one" is the rare exception to the rule.

Jeanie said...

I'd probably have a much more interesting answer if I came back tonight after a couple of glasses of wine.... at 6 a.m., I'll just say that I agree that those romance novels present us with some pretty unrealistic expectations.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Better with practice, that's for sure. I had one boyfriend with whom it was "explosive." Ever since, meh to good. SHHHHH!

historygirlie said...

First time fireworks? heck no. It was a good year before I learned what made your eyes roll back in your head...and it's definitely not every time...except during the 2nd trimester of pregnancy. Oh my holy God...it's good then.

Too bad it's only about a 2.5 month window...

KL said...

I had a boyfriend and he would be finished...I'd be all...WHEN DID YOU START!?!?!

Yeah..I can totally relate...those books are so unrealistic...but still I do like a good romance book, as long as there is more to it than the bodice ripping.

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO - "oh God I feel like I'm going to fart"..........Forgot about those days! Love it!

Bonnie said...

Yeah, well, due to lack of education about sex, specifically lube, and some vagismas, we actually didn't succeed until 8 months married...and it was grit my teeth time.

Made the simaltaneous orgasm all of once or twice...big deal, honestly! I'd rather be multiorgasmic and just....keep going.

Ever read Smart Bitches, Trashy books? Try http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/the-playbot-sheikhs-virgin-stable-girl-by-sharon-kendrick/. I laughed my damn ASS off at their description, and now want to buy the book just for the entertainment value.

From Tracie said...

I've read a few of those bodice-ripping romances, but the unrealistic sex scenes drive me crazy.

So for your poll....I've never had the experience of reaching the moment at the same time as my partner. My first time was definitely not magical, and there was no orgasm happening either.

If the heroine in one of those books turned to the lover and said that, it would be the best romantic book EVER! Don't the authors realize this? I think you need to write one.

gayle said...

I use to love romance novels when I was younger but I'm with you on it not being real! As for reaching "It" at the same time.....I have but only in my younger years:)

Rootietoot said...

I'm with you. Romance novels are unrealistic. I remember how disappointed I was the first time. Also? I've NEVER experienced simultaneous orgasms. Nor do I want one every time we have sex. It's like a huge piece of chocolate cake and I only want it occasionally.

Anonymous said...

When I was a young teen I remember reading Forever Amber very closely very many times. It was hot. I wonder if girls do that today too. A billion years later, I presently really dislike those distractions in novels. As to simultaneous orgasm, it seems to me they happen when something else is involved. I remember once being in a hotel on Central Park So. NYC. He went down early in the am to move the car which was parked illegally. He came back shocked to tell me that there were homeless all over the place that were all over the place sleeping in large boxes. Somehow we both felt scared and we clung together. OK laugh. You asked,

Joe said...

Well, my first wife and I had the same time goodness almost everytime. Or else she was faking. She was my first so I didn't have any experience to draw from. But both times I was with her we had great chemistry in bed. And multiples for her. As for wives 2 and 3, not so much.

Heather said...

Have I told you lately that your blog is my favorite blog. OMG you make me laugh.

First time was horrible. I remember wondering why everyone thought it was so awesome, because it wasn't. But then a year later I found a man that was way more into making me happy than himself and I understood. We reached "it" together almost every time. I have since learned that is a rare thing.

I like a good trashy novel once in awhile, but not as much as I did when I was in my early 20's. It all seems like a lot of work now. My thinking is lets just do it and go to sleep.

Star said...

Hey ATM- just catching up, as usual.(sigh). Part of the problem with those bodice ripper is that our menfolk don't read them. The first time the event was over quickly , but the guilt hung around a lot longer. We've had 40 years since to work on it. Every so often we get it perfect. The practicing is good too.

Joanna Jenkins said...

My first time can be summed up with a great big yawn! Unfortunately I was with that boyfriend for 5 long boring years. After him, things definitely got better but never to the crazy romance novel levels.

Romance novels are my favorite beach/vacation reads. The move over the top romantic the better :-)

xo jj

Anonymous said...

I've never encountered a virgin that I know of. My first time, I lost it before I could start but she knew what she was doing and got me back on track. I would marry her 18 months later.

She didn't orgasm from coitus when we started, but did from other stimuli and was not, at first hesitant about asking, later she didn't need to ask as I would always offer. We reached mutual satisfaction shortly before being married and shortly after that it was simply the norm and she was multi-orgasmatic, which was fun as I would see how long I could keep her going.

There was one girl-friend I was mutually orgasmatic with and that took a while.

Second wife and I had sex on our first date, had a mutual orgasm and that is how it has been, mostly.

I learned from my first to always help if there isn't a sense she came, although since I enjoy watching that happens too.

word verification is refun

Not signing with my name as there is too much personal information about others in here.

Beth said...

That's why those books are referred to as FICTION!!

As for me? Life has never imitated "art" in that particular way (i.e. "sharing the moment.") ;)

(yeah, i'm back...)

MoonNStarMommy said...

In all honesty ... my first "homerun" sexual experience that was my choice, he got me off BEFORE he even started. I have gotten off at the same as my husband (this has ONLY happened with my husband) but I fake it a lot more then it actually happening (shhhhh) ...

Jennifer Jayhawk said...

This post cracks me up. I really have nothing to add but clearly I need to dig out my romance novels.

My husbands debit card was stolen. Someone made some massive purchases at Victoria's Secret. I kind of think my husband was a bit bummed that it wasn't me :)

Meg said...

That's funny, I was just thinking about this the other day, trying to find a way to explain the realities of sex to my hormonally charged, teenaged sister. What gets me is the cuddling afterwords. Like, do people really do that?! I wanna hurry up and clean off all the nasty. The mutual thing has happened several times for my husband I, though, which is pretty cool, I guess, especially since we've only been together three years. I totally almost threw up the first time we did it, though. So that was awkward...

Charlie said...

Try something by Nora Roberts . . .

OneEar said...

Part of the trouble arises from our puritan heritage. It is hard to get properly nasty when one is a puritan.

Busana Muslim said...

This is a great posting I have read. I like your article. Thank you