Saturday, February 09, 2008

This and That

Ok, just a few random thoughts...

I've been getting a lot of new readers/commenters lately, and have to go through their profiles to get to a link back to their blogs so that I can reciprocate.

It's been simply amazing how many bloggers are Accountants! I was wondering if they are just really busy between Jan 1st and April 15th so they spend a whole lot of time reading blogs the rest of the year?

Then I happened to look at MY profile. It says that my job description is Accounting. How in the heck did that happen? Yeah, I can balance my checkbook, but....

Do you think it's a default setting? How many of YOU are Accountants by default?

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Ok, this is kind of weird. You guys remember that old sleepover trick/legend that says if you put a sleeping person's hand in warm water, they'll pee their pants? It wouldn't have happened when I was a kid, but I'm not so sure now.

Even if I take a tinkle before turning on the water in the shower/tub, EVERY SINGLE TIME I test the water with my hand, my bladder suddenly decides has to whiz again NOW. And comes up with extra pee that just must have been hiding for the particular moment.

While I was fretting over the fact that maybe I've got some bladder control issues and might need meds or something like that I noticed that it NEVER happens when I'm washing the dishes in warm/hot water.

What the heck is up with this? Any ideas?
__________

The other day, I was talking to my Mom, and told her it was time to have "the talk" with her. You know...the "sex" talk.

She said, "I thought we had this talk a long time ago. You haven't figured out where everything goes yet?"

I said, well no, I was reading an article about how middle-aged kids should have this talk with their parents, because it seems there is a rise in STDs in the senior community. You are all getting your freak on without protection and spreading crotch-rot willy-nilly!

She laughed her ass off.

But I have to say that my mom has become the hoochie of her senior community. Listening to her, it's almost like re-living high school again. It kind of cracks me up.


After my step-dad passed away a few years ago (lung cancer--never smoked a day in his life, he was one of the eh--what do you call them---downwinders of the nukes---and Alzheimer's), Mom got out and got moving. She'd always been really active, but had spent the last three years of Pop's life nursing him. Immediately she got into the senior scene (and the senior singles scene) and hooked herself a beau. Who was 15 years or so younger.

He'd been going with a gal for 4 years or so, but dumped her for my Mom. She liked him because he'd drive her everywhere, but got a little freaked out when he'd just show up at her house every morning expecting to spend the day with her. She needed space.

My brothers were initially a little worried (they live up there where she is), thinking that he might be some predatory--koff--younger guy looking to prey on an older woman. Even though she looked younger than he did. LOL

He wasn't predatory. He was a really good guy and we all liked him a lot.

He kept asking her to marry him, she kept refusing, and finally cut him loose because she didn't think he was "getting it". They're seniors, and she didn't want him to waste any more time getting his hopes up. I mean, how many years did they all have left? He was looking for a wife, and she doesn't intend to get married again, and besides...he has diabetes that he doesn't take care of and she "isn't interested in taking care of any more sick old men."

LOL You go girl!

Anyway, she can't get away from it. She goes to different senior centers to play cards, or backgammon, or attend lectures or outings, and every time she's friendly with a guy, the gossip mill tries to pair them off. And everyone is always trying to find out how old she actually is in order to categorize her.


Mom refuses to say. She doesn't wear make-up (except for a little mascara, maybe), doesn't dye her hair (gorgeous shade of pure white). She's got good genes, clean living and Oil of Olay on her side, and she's just smokin'!

So in the middle of this "sex" conversation, she told me a couple of things about my dad (TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!). She also read a couple of years ago that men who smoke in their early years can suffer from impotence even as early as their 40's. Apparently this was one of the problems my dad had when he went searching for younger trophy poon after 24 years of marriage. Again TMI!! TMI!!!

Every time she and her girlfriends get together and discuss the prowess of their "boyfriend of the month" and someone mentions---uh---erection problems, she asks, "did they ever smoke?"

This has become kind of an obsession with her. She gave Big Kid "The Big Limp Penis" lecture last year, which completely freaked him out (she'd already given it to my brothers). Even though she is a retired minister, I think she still has a huge need to illuminate, because she has an urge to stop every male she sees smoking on the street to inform him of the future risks to his schwanging health.


I wonder what would happen if she really did that. I wouldn't put it past her.

She needs to have a special cape. She has a mission. She is The Penis Protector.


Don't you men feel really special? LOL


31 comments:

Casdok said...

Must remember to have that talk with my mum!! Cheers! :)

Beth said...

Re: your tinkle dilemma. It's due to the power of suggestion. When you're taking a shower or bath, the toilet is right there - beckoning!
I hope I'm as "hot" as your mom when I'm a senior. Hell, I wish I was as hot as her right now!

Heather said...

Good thing I don't have a penis ;)
On the other hand, your mom sounds like the COOLEST mom in the world. Reminds me a lot of my Grammy. One of those hip & hot old ladies who you just want to grow up to be.

Hope you're doing well!
Have a good weekend!
:] ♥

Michelle said...

Ooh.. you must need to go to my profile, then find the post that tells you where my blog is, right? Wish there was a way around that!

Erm.. looks like I can sign in with my wordpress account instead.. let me go try..

Jan said...

I love your Mom. We'd get along. Everything evens out as you age. She wouldn't hold my non-conforming past against me. I love the anti-smoking crusade. I've been working on that with some of the young men I know, more ammunition is good.

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
For months, every time I made a change to the Profile, it would automatically default to accounting. I had to reset the job description to “non-specified”. The problem apparently has been corrected.

I’ve noticed that taking a shower will make me have to pee but washing dishes doesn’t have the same effect. Perhaps the notion of bathing is relaxing but a sink of dirty pots and pans creates tension...where’s the psychologist to give us a definitive answer?

Right On! to your Mom for dating, and being forthright about discussing limp dicks. My 85 year old mother is a throwback to the uptight Victorian era and gets red in the face if the word “sex” is used in a conversation. The other day I inadvertently dropped the “f” word over the phone and I pictured her cringing and wondering how on earth she raised such a Neanderthal daughter….

Thank for the laughs this morning! How’s your AeroGarden doing? Have you ventured out to dwarf eggplants yet?

marymurtz said...

I think your mom has found a powerful way to prevent smoking in young men. Lung cancer be damned--limp dick is SCARY.

Eileen said...

I almost fell out of bed, laughing so hard. Getting the Penis Protector a cape? Love it! She sounds like a very special lady!! She knows how to really enjoy life and make the most out of each day. You two must have so much fun when your together!

Have a great weekend!
XOXOX

Melissa said...

Oh my! Your mom's a Silver Fox AND a Penis Protector? You must be so proud! Really!

I, too, am a default accountant. After several tries and a few months, I finally switched it. Weird, eh?

I think your mom story takes the cake for things I've read today.

Brenda said...

Your mom sounds like one fine lady and good on her for not wanting to take care of "sick old men!"

Mamma said...

Your mom needs to start a blog. The Chronicles of the Penis Protector.

I'd definitely be a reader. With all of her "dating" stories it would be better then the soaps.

Chris H said...

In my profile I put Bloody Blogging.... beats the default of Accounting!

Trish said...

I went and checked my profile and it says 'accounting' too!

I am not surprised about the seniors getting all frisky at the retirement homes...probably been a long time since they were on dates.

Me said...

LOL. You crack me up. you do. lol

barnmouse said...

I had a similar kind of problem when I went to physical therapy for my lower back. Every time they'd put me on this giant heating pad and every damn time I'd be squirming by the time they took me off of it! LOL Every damn time!

Lola Magnolia said...

Yes, my job description was Accountant too which I found overly funny because I suck at math.

I like your mom. My parents never gave me the sex talk. They left it up to my friends and my 8th grade PE teacher, the latter being very creepy.

warcrygirl said...

My mom never gave me the talk, either; she just shoved a medical encyclopedia in my face and said "here, read this". How refreshing to read about a woman from that generation who doesn't define herself by her marital status. Now if I could just convince my mom she doesn't need a man she could stop dating these losers she dates.

TOM said...

I quit smokin...so far everything is ok!

Stinkypaw said...

I had "the talk" with my FIL (71) who's been on the dating scene lately (a few months after becoming a widower) - wasn't that obvious to explain to someone who's been married and with the same woman for over 45 years...

You mom is too much - love it!

Kim Ayres said...

So glad I gave up smoking 18 years ago.

Accountancy is the default setting - I was surprised to find myself listed as one

Kris said...

Thanks for the laugh! I will have to remember to have that chat with my mum!

Angela said...

I am glad the talk went well with your mom

Michael Manning said...

No smoking over here! :)

kristi said...

Your Mom sounds like great fun!

Samantha said...

Oh my God, that's hysterical! My mum's a bit of a tart in her old age, but maybe that's where I got it from? LOL!

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Forget all the other "don't smoke" campaigns out there. This one message - IT WILL HURT YOUR PENIS - will dissuade every living male on the planet from ever picking up a smoke.

Women? I don't know. Maybe...IT MAKES YOU GAIN WEIGHT or something of that ilk.

Rock on to your hot mom.

Valerie Marie said...

Dear Attila,
your Mom rocks! Thanks for the laugh!

MamaBird said...

THAT was a hilarious post. There really is just not enough time in life to read all the magical blogs Mrs. G has on her blogroll... Sigh, wiping eyes, your mother is priceless.

Jana B said...

OMW!!!! That is absolutely hilarious about your mom! She SO needs a penis protector cape!!!!!

And yes, if you say the word "limp" to a group of young males, their smoking rate would drop DRAMATICALLY.

My occupation IS listed as accounting, but for once it's true lol I working in the accounting department of my office.

I'm SO adding you to my blogroll.

sarala said...

Your mom sounds as funny as you are. I'll pass on the thing about smoking and . . . to all the guys I know.