Sunday, October 28, 2007

I Want the Powah!!

I read a strange story last week entitled "Woman Accused of Genital Theft".

Say what?

A middle-aged Nigerian man was accusing his former lover of "stealing his genitals." Apparently the two---this part is kind of unclear---had sex together for 29 days before he traveled home to visit his family.

"But instead of enjoying his stay with his family, Ulame said he started having problems with his organ. He noticed that he could not have an erection."

"He consulted a lot of pastors to help him out of the predicament. After that failed, he started searching for orthodox and traditional medicines but there was no solution to what he described as his shrunken manhood."

If I was a dood, I'd try a urologist before going to my pastor, but hey, that's just me.


He called his girlfriend, who advised him that she thought it was probably stress, and that he should try to relax.

Sounds pretty reasonable, doesn't it? But no---you know how they are. Doods.

Ulame went to an herbalist, who told him that his girlfriend had stolen his johnson with a mirror. Yeah, silly man. That's the first thing I'd have thought of!

Sheesh!

He and some friends decided to beat her up to get his genitals back. What did he think she was doing with them? Toting them around in her handbag?

Then a lot of other weird stuff happened.

The article didn't say if he ever actually retrieved his genitals though.

You know me, the story kind of got stuck in my head and wouldn't let go. I had midterms this last week and have been studying like crazy, along with a lot of other obligations that pooped me out. But through it all, this just stayed in the back of my mind.

First of all, in my opinion, if they really had sex 29 times in 29 days before his visit with his family, Ulame's middle-aged pecker probably revolted and went limp out of sheer exhaustion.

Second of all, next to the Crotch of Steel, I thought this would be a really neat superpower to have.

I was in the grocery store the other day, and some guy was ripping his girlfriend/wife up one side and down the other in public. If I had the power, I'd have zapped him a good one when he got to the second "stupid bitch".

Zap! Weenie-be-gone! Who's the bitch now, Big Boy?

The next person on my list would probably be Bill Clinton. I am so damn sick and tired of hearing about his pecker. Recently there was an article where Hilary confessed that Bill is turned on by dental work. Who the f*ck cares? All that makes me wonder is if there is anything that DOESN'T turn him on.

I'd give Bill the old zapparoo at least until the elections are over. Then he'd stay out of trouble. Besides, Hilary has a big enough set for the both of them.

The next on my list would be Denver Broncos' running back Travis Henry. At age 28, Henry has 9 children with 9 different woman, and even with a 22.5 million dollar contract and a hefty signing bonus, he has trouble managing to make his child-support payments. Flashy cars and jewelry have the priority. Oh, and smoking dope. Since he has trouble tying a knot in it----zap! No more for you! Have a cold shower instead.

This old fart down at the hardware store annoys the hell out of me. The next time he sneeringly calls me "Little Lady" (I top him by about 7 inches and outweigh him by a good 60 pounds), I'll give him a good zap.

Then again, that's pretty mean. See how power can be abused? I'm running amok just thinking about it!

Maybe next time I'll just call him "Little Man" in response and see how THAT grabs him!



Here's my latest on Disaboom, if you have a mind to check it out.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

31 comments:

sarala said...

I'll be your first purchaser after you start mass-marketing weenie-b-gone. I can think of a few candidates! In fact I'm going to spend the rest of the day making up a list of victims.

Samantha said...

That is one messed up story. I would enjoy such a power though *daydreams happily*

Mamma said...

It's just so much more convenient to blame it on the women.

She stole his genitals...

puh-lease!

Chris H said...

Ha ha! When you call him "little man" you must put your hand up and crook your littl finger and wiggle it as well !!!! Too funny.

Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
This is hysterically funny. The middle-aged Nigerian man, Ulame, should be counting his lucky stars his former lover OR wife wasn’t Lorena Bobbitt; he could have been searching for his castoff member in a field like John Wayne Bobbitt. Bill Clinton’s brains are apparently in his dick; everything turns him on but his wife Hillary. Isn’t he a bit old to have his libido running amok? Perhaps he’s developed an inferiority complex over the years from playing “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” with Ms. Rodham. I loathe being addressed as “little lady”, “hon”, “ma’am” or any other demeaning appellation. “Hey you, there” is preferable to some disparaging name dispensed by a weenie-whacking weirdo, who thinks his cajones give him carte blanche to call a woman by any name that pops into his head (either one). Maybe Lorena had the right idea.

Let the attacks begin for my feminatzi opinions.

Michael Manning said...

My best buddy once had a date with a woman who was a dentist. I did this comical impersonation of what her voicemail outgoing message sounded like. It begins with the dentist drill. Then a breathy Marilyn Monroe-like message (use your imnagination) comes on. It was hysterical. The date apparently wasn't.

Beth said...

The key question to ask re: this crazy scenario is:
Why the hell would she want even want his genitals?

When you're finished zapping all your favs, do pass along the zapper.

Angela said...

So Funny
That would sure teach some guys
I love your ideas

Dorky Dad said...

Aaaah, Travis Henry. Gotta love a good role model like that. Or maybe he should be called a roll model.

phlegmfatale said...

Good thing he and his friends beat up the girlfriend. You know, just in case it was her fault. *sheesh*
West African cultures are extremely superstitious and more apt to try traditional cures/solutions to health problems before resorting to consulting actual licensed medical professionals. Gawd, what a prick, indeed! I hope he's lost his mojo forever. Weenie.

Mrs. G. said...

I am such a fan of your writing and humor, I am completely comfortable with you deciding who loses their genitals in this world...may I suggest, let's see, DICK Cheney?

Valerie Marie said...

LOL ! I made a list ... good feeling!

Casdok said...

Ive heard it all now!!!

Jennifer McKenzie said...

ACK!!!! That story makes me grateful once again that I live in America. Can you imagine if a guy accused his girlfriend of "stealing" his ability to have an erection?
He'd be humiliated.
Weird story.

Brenda said...

I find as I age that I have a shit-load of surpressed anger, I'd be lethal with a man Zapper. Nothing with balls would be safe.

I read your post over on Disaboom and it made me teary. How lucky little Guy is to live in a world of wonderful people who love him.

Deb said...

I love who you would zap. BUt I wonder what would you do with all of those stolen shrivled genitals in your hand bag??

Attila The Mom said...

Heh. I'd make a necklace out of them. LOL

Kim Ayres said...

If he really thought she'd stolen his genitals, the first thing he should have done was look on eBay to see how much she was trying to get for them

carmachu said...

Its africa darling. *shrug* Some there think they cure AIDS by having sex with virgins. No I'm not making it up.

Uhm...the apper thing wouldnt work on Travis. Too many stupid women who will HAVE sex with men like him......Hello....NINE women having kids with him? Thinnk they might stop and ask a question or two before spreading?

Sorry for putting it crudely, but frankly it takes two to tango...

Queen of the Mayhem said...

That is just like a man!

I think the testosterone does a number on their brains!

9 kids with 9 moms? UGH!

Stinkypaw said...

Yeah, that's it! Call him "little man" and let us know how he reacted! Hee.

Trish said...

Why doesn't he just grow a new one on his arm?

Big Pissy said...

I think you should be on 'HEROES' with this new super power! ;-)

RC said...

yikes! what a story.

Jenny said...

This is me, laughing so hard my johnson fell off.

Myron said...

'pends on how old the old fart is. May not need no zapper. And ladies, ya'll scare the shit outta me.

lildb said...

goddamn, girl, but you're funny.

Lola Magnolia said...

I think women everywhere would enjoy that power. I know at least 40 men off the top of my head that could use a good zapping. ;)

Mary said...

just found your blog...rofl

Ruth Dynamite said...

La Femme Flaccidus Strikes Again!

Faster than a stampeding African elephant...
Able to leap an erect giraffe penis in a single bound...

(My apologies)

Ann(ie) said...

HA!! Yes. Try little man.....heeheeeeee.