Pissing and Moaning...

Arrgghh.

I'm not exactly sure what to do, but I'm sure you guys will give me all kinds of advice. In fact, I'm counting on it!

Since Little Guy is a Golden Girls fan, he's been acting out different scenes for us lately, which is a real hoot. So I'm taking a page from him (and Sophia Petrillo).

Picture this:

A small college classroom. 25 students---1 male, 24 females. 3 long conference tables, chairs mashed in, podium at the front. End of summer, no windows, no air. It's stifling.

(Thank GOD I haven't embarrassed myself by accidentally farting. Yet. Knock on wood.)

Almost 3-hour law class, lecture only. Tests are going to be on lecture---the book and hand-outs are essentially supplemental. It really comes down to how good your notes are, according to the professor.

No papers. 3 tests with essay questions only, one research project. No open books.

And one disruptive woman in the class who simply will NOT shut the f*ck up.

About one third of the class are women who are in my age range (the dreaded 40), give or take 5 years. The rest are in their late teens, early 20's (including the male student). Except for this woman. She's in her mid to late 50's, so she's somewhat of a contemporary of our professor, who I'm guessing to be in his late 50's to early 60's (he's been practicing law for 32 years).

I like my professor. We go over points that are dry and somewhat confusing, and he illustrates them by telling us an anecdote from his long career (he practiced many different types of law before becoming a judge). It's really helpful to understand when you can see how it is applied in real life.

He's a very soft-spoken and courtly gentleman. Unfortunately, he has a tendency to digress a bit. Well, a lot, actually.

In our first class, he gave us the option of taking 2 breaks during our session, or 1 break so we could get out early. It's a night class, and a 45-minute drive home for me. I was elated when the class voted for 1 break with early dismissal.

Back to the woman with the Big Mouth. In our first session, we all had to introduce ourselves, share why we decided to get our Paralegal Certification, and our experience with the law.

A few of the students are looking for new, later-in-life careers (like me, except there are a couple of soldiers in there looking for a different career after they get out of the military). Some are already Paralegals who are looking to sharpen their skills. Some are college grads who aren't sure they want to go to law school and are taking a few classes to test the waters. Some are just out of high school.

Ms. Big Mouth is looking for a new career, and her experience with the law consists of her divorce and her fascination with every episode of Law & Order. Including SVU and Criminal Intent, I think. Oy.

Anyway, here is the problem. Every time the professor takes a breath, she feels like she has to make a comment. I don't know if it's because she thinks she's at a tea party instead of a lecture and this is a completely interactive endeavor, or if she thinks its necessary to "encourage" him, or if she thinks this signifies that she's a good student and contributing.

Obviously she isn't aware (or doesn't care) how disruptive she is for the rest of us.

Most of the crap she says has nothing to do with the topic of the class. A lot of her comments are things she seems to think are "adding" support to whatever point the professor is making, and have turned out to be mostly incorrect. So the professor has to "correct" her statements, and she freaking argues with him about it. Because she saw it on TV. Or didn't see it on TV.

For example. "How come lawyers are able to advertise on TV, but doctor's aren't?"

Hello? Lap band? Lasic Surgery? You out nipping at the cooking sherry during the commercials in the middle of the Law & Order marathons on TNT?

Then the professor HAS to go into a story to illustrate how her comment is incorrect, and absolutely none of it has anything to do with the topic of the class. Since our tests are going to be based on our lecture notes, it's damn hard filtering out all the erroneous stuff.

Ms. Big Mouth sits in the middle of the middle table, so she is smack-dab in the middle of the room. I sit behind her, and somewhat to the side, so I don't really see her face---I just have a view of her oddly hairy back (she wears her hair in a bun).

Ironically, she has appointed herself classroom monitor. During the break in our last class, she chastised a young woman for talking too loud for Ms. Big Mouth to eavesdrop on a conversation the professor was having with another student. I'm serious!

The young woman turned to her and said, "Are you talking to ME?" in an incredulous voice. The student next to me rolled her eyeballs and chuckled. I was secretly applauding and relieved that I wasn't the only one having an issue.

Due to all the interruptions, we did not get out of class early as planned. So not only did we have to forgo our second break, we were LATE. I desperately had to pee, but was afraid I'd miss some nugget that would be sure to show up on our exam if I went to answer the call of nature. One student actually FELL ASLEEP and started snoring in the last 15 minutes!

I was hot, irritated and fantasizing about taking my shoe (unfortunately killer bunny slippers aren't appropriate classroom attire) and beating Ms. Big Mouth over the back of the head with it.

Or maybe grabbing a handful of back hair and shaking her like a rat.

I don't really want to complain to the professor, because he actually is part of the problem. I want to do well in this class, and there's no upside to telling your teacher he talks too much about stupid stuff and needs to stay on task.

On the other hand, I want to do well in this class, and this woman is really disruptive.

The only solution I can think of at this point is to bring a recorder to class so I can listen to it at home and fast-forward over all the craptastic pontification (the assassination of JFK was the defining point of Ms. Big Mouth's life and she was in a diner eating a grilled-cheese sandwich when she heard, you know, as if it's going to show up on our exam).

Any suggestions?

*As a funny note, Big Kid has to simulate a crime scene for his next assignment, complete with photos and sketches. Hubby gets to be the dead guy. This should be fun!