Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Attila the Mom and the Panties of Fire

Blog-friend digi-birder found a really funny
story the other day that I haven't been able to get out of my mind.

You know me. Something starts rattling around in the old black hole I call my brain and it's hard to let go of.

'According to UK tabloid the Sun, a 33-year-old Welsh housewife ended up in hospital after wearing Ann Summers vibrating Passion Pants to her local Asda supermarket in Swansea.

Unfortunately, she became "so aroused by the 2½-inch vibrating bullet inside that she fainted" then "fell against shelves and banged her head". This prompted the attendance of the paramedics who "found the black leatherette panties still buzzing".'

There is so much wrong with this that I just don't know where to start.

How about the obvious...


Now that's out of the way, and I can start asking questions. Inquiring minds, and all.

First of all, I'm not a prude, and don't have any judgements about how people get their jollies as long as it isn't harmful, abusive or disrespectful of others and doesn't involve children or animals.

There are quite a few things that make me feel sexy and get me in the mood. Perfumed bath oil. Candles and wine. Lady Love by Lou Rawls. The muffled thumping of my sons who are duct-taped and locked in the hall closet.

But the grocery store?

Not so much.

I don't get it. What's the turn-on? Standing next to an old guy who's buying bunion cream?

Oooh. Aaah. Oooh. Aaa---

Sorry. Not doing it for me.

Fighting my way past the humongous race-car carts full of somebody else's screaming sproggin?

That actually makes me want rip out my OWN fallopian tubes.

Is the canned-goods aisle sexy? Is there something more to Tuna Helper that I'm missing?

What about the produce section? Boy those eggplants are looking mighty naughty today! I better strip those ears of corn down and see what's underneath! I ought to give those melons a squeeze!


And I don't know about you other ladies, but after an extended round or two of playing hide the salami, my girly parts feel pretty damn sensitive. As in, "If you're looking for round three, Bucko, go play with your golf clubs. There's 18 holes out there somewhere just begging for your attention!"

Well, Hubby and I are getting older, so that hasn't happened in awhile, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, it begs the question...

How do you turn the damn Passion Panties off if you're out and about and it gets to be too much? Is there a remote control? Do you have to actually reach down inside your pants and flip a switch?

Or does it have a clap feature? You know---clap on, clap off. A clapper for your snapper!

I have to say that I find the whole notion a little disturbing.

I can't imagine what I'd do if I was standing in line at the deli counter and some lady next to me was eyeballing the kielbasa and buzzing like an electric toothbrush.

What will they think of next?


Manky said...

"The muffled thumping of my sons who are duct-taped and locked in the hall closet."

OMG! That is soooooo Morticia Addams (my idol).

This is a great post. Made me laugh out loud.

Myron said...

So what happens if she's in the store so long her eyes start rolling in the back of her head? And she's doing a Meg Ryan in the checkout line?????

Samantha said...

That's a really old story but it still makes me laugh. She's probably a dirty old bint who couldn't get away with wearing them at home!

Beth said...

Maybe she wore the Vibrating Passion Pants to the supermarket 'cause grocery shopping is so bloody boring???
(Not that I ever would - just throwing out a suggestion...)

Rootietoot said...

Gee I wonder where she got them.

Big Pissy said...


Love this post!

...and I'll bet those "Passion Panties" are selling like hot cakes in England right now! *LOL*

p.s. Where can I get some? ;-)

Ingrid said...

I laughed my ass off reading this post. Too funny.

Stinkypaw said...

OK, I have one of those Bullet thingy and I would never think to wear that while doing anything other than... well... you know! You need both hands to thing this sucker off, and it's not noiseless!

Anyway, I won't be fainting at the grocery store anytime soon, at least not because of that! ;-)

Angela said...

Well, I bet that was funny for the people who picked her up.

Litzi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
LMAO! I’m with you that there’s nothing exciting or arousing about grocery shopping. Maybe it was the English cucumber (those suckers are BIG) that enticed the 33-year old Welsh housewife to don her “hot pants” when she set off for her local Asda supermarket. These would make a marvelous “gag” gift for the right person.

Brenda said...

Ahahahahaha! How many stitches did she have to have?

phlegmfatale said...

I just don't see the appeal of wearing vibrating panties out in public. I'm enough of a misanthropist that the mere sight of all those other people would kill my buzz. *ahem*

abfh said...

The tabloid probably just made up that story, but it's funny anyway!

Litzi said...

Hi Attila,
The “Passion Pants” might encourage some of the La-La-Land tartlets to wear underpants again and save everyone from seeing their train wrecked privates every time one of them bends over. Ass-paragus Spears might really have something to smile about.

Tulip said...

Boy, now when I hear a buzzing sound coming from someone's pants I'll have to wonder, "is that a cell phone in your pants or are you just happy to see me" :)

Chris H said...

Jezzz that is sooo funny! I will be forever eyeballing chicks in the supermarket to make sure they ain't "buzzing" !!!!!

Trish said...

That is just so.....ewww. The supermarket? I'll never be able to step into a grocery store again without wondering who's got what attached to their cooters. GAH!

You could have some fun and bring a universal remote and watch the crows go wild LOL

digi-birder said...

I think you can get them with a remote control. Her boyfriend was probably in the next aisle with the handset!

Oh, The Joys said...

Where WOULD you wear your passion panties?

Eileen said...

This post is just too funny!! I loved your idea about the clapper for the silver bullet, now there is idea whos time has come.....bad choice of words there.
Thanks for making me smile.

carmachu said...

*Crosses that product off the christmas list for Attila*

Heather said...

oh i really can't even begin to think of a comment. ha ha ha ha.

i don't think i'll ever be able to hear a cell phone buzzing now without wondering if it's actually
NOT a cell phone. ha ha ha.

mia said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! Oh. My.

Clap on clap off.....LOLOL

Sven said...

Your description of a visit to the grocery store might be exactly why this woman felt the need to put a little zip in her trip. Turning the otherwise mundane into a the sublime. Me thinks there is a chapter of Bridget Jones in there somewhere.

kristi said...

Ewwww.........just Ewwwwwwwww.

Shell said...

OMG that is funny but your writing is even better!