It Must Be Global Warning

We're having a conundrum of pantsy proportions.

Is there someone I can write to complain to?

When my good friend Beth blogged about a problem she was having with GMAC, she got some satisfaction.

Apparently, GMAC has people who just sit at computers and Google "GMAC" to see who's talking about them. I have to say, it's a great customer service idea.

Beth complained about a bass-ackward situation she was having, and somebody from the company responded in her comments section, and gave her some contact information. Wow!

Ultimately, she got the problem resolved. Way to go, GMAC!!

My adorable Hubby is a big man. I think he is practically perfect in every way, except for his fugly feet, which are evil and scare the crap out of me.

He's not obese by any means---not even on the insurance tables. He's 6'4 and has a large frame. I'm 5'11 and built like a line-backer (huge hands, huge shoulders), so any guy who makes me feel like a petite flower is practically perfect in my book!

At least Hubby can cover his feet up with shoes. Did I say that they were really fugly and evil?

Hubby is also very loyal to brands that have served him well.

Which brings me to my point.

Since we've been together (about 15 years) Hubby has always worn DOCKERS pants. His weight has fluctuated a bit over the years, so he's always worn between a 42 x 32 and a 40 x 32.

Don't sneer. With his bone structure, when at 40 x 32, he's practically svelte.

I'd do him.

Oh hell, I know that doesn't count. I'd do him no matter what, because to me, he's just the sexiest thing that walks on the planet next to Colin Firth. And Colin Firth is shorter than me, which is on my no-no list.

Plus Colin Firth probably wouldn't be interested in doing me anyway, but I like to think I'd reject him first because he's short so I'd be the one deciding.

Yes, yes, I know. Girl logic. And I'm digressing again.

Last spring, I noticed that some of Hubby's DOCKERS (I'm capitalizing to try attract some corporate attention here) were getting a little worn around the edges. He'd been dieting, and although his 42's were a bit loose, the 40's he had stored away were a bit tight.

He wouldn't be able to wear them for golfing, when he has to do all kinds of bendy stuff like hunting for his balls in the weeds (really it's his golfing---I didn't tear them off and toss them there).

Although he owns his own company, and every day is Casual Friday, I pointed out the worn out pantsy thing, and he asked me to order some new pairs for him. It was approaching summertime, and more beer and barbeque is consumed, so he didn't feel comfortable with ordering a less than 42 size.

I ordered a couple of pairs from Bealls of Florida, which arrived right after he had left to go back east to spend time with his Mom. I put the box on his side of the bedroom, he came back, life got in the way, and then 2 days after the 30-day return period, he took out a pair and tried them on.

They tore in the crotch. Not at the seam, but right through the fabric.

You know, women are usually more adept at that. If we have to wedge our heinies in a pair of pants with a shoehorn, we're confident the fabric can take it---and the pants are usually made of denim or some sort of steel alloy. If we get resistance at the hips (depending on the fabric), we either abandon ship or grease up our thighs with Crisco and lay down on the floor to stuff ourselves in.

It also helps to have a friend to hoist us up from the prone position, or else we'd remain on the floor wallowing like a walrus out of the water.

Guys just seem to have some inner confidence that says, "It's my size, so it must fit", and yank them up, no matter what the obstruction. Like hips.

Hubby was suspicious. "Did you buy these from some Internet Hucksters who sell fakes?"

Oh fer pete's sakes. They're not Coach handbags or Rolexes. The tag on the inside doesn't say "DUCKERS".

I had Little Guy try on the second pair. He wears a 38 x 32 in Levi's and other standard brands and they fit perfectly.

Hmmmm.

I bought another couple of pairs of DOCKERS, this time from Kohl's.

Same thing. Although they are Hubby's size (and DOCKERS aren't really exclusively the ONLY kind of pants he wears---he's got some Ralph Lauren and Columbia Sportswear golf pants in the same size), they fit Little Guy, who is 3-4 sizes smaller.

So what's up with that? It's not like Hubby woke up with a bigger, rounder butt. Is it aging? Gravity? Old people ass redistribution?

For all this time, was DOCKERS pandering to the big fat oblivious guy by deliberately sizing the pants to make them feel smaller (oh, the horror!), and suddenly got a "truth in advertising conscience" or what?

Who in the world would I call about that? What would I say?

My hubby's ass is too big for his pants?

It's a conspiracy! Where's Oliver Stone when you need him?