Friday, December 29, 2006

Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce...No, Scratch That

I've been holding off on commenting on the below article for a couple of weeks, simply because it wasn't terribly appropriate for the holiday season (or any other season for that matter), but since it's close to the end of the year, it's time to clean out the "in" box to make ready for the new!

After reading it, I've been mulling over the things my kids have ever done in their lives that have really embarrassed me as a parent.

Beyond the fairly normal stuff like the Little Guy telling some elderly person that they're "really old" in the grocery store, or the time the Big Kid came crying out of the bathroom because the toilet seat dropped on his willie when he was peeing and asked me to kiss it to make it better in front of company (he was three, for pete's sakes!), I can't think of too many REALLY embarrassing moments.

The one that stands out the most is when the Big Kid was about 12 and had a goofy friend spending the night. They were horsing around in the living room when I came upon them.

"Queef!" Goofy Friend said. "Queef! Queef! Queef!"

Big Kid was overcome with giggles.

"Queef!" Both of them had collapsed on the floor and were laughing hysterically.

Oh. My. God.

Now I'm not a prude about bodily functions, but I insist that my guys use respectful terminology when dealing with certain areas of the anatomy. I know they pick up all kinds of stuff at school (many times they've come home and asked me what certain words mean), but I was a little shocked.

Plus, the LAST thing I wanted was for Little Guy to pick it up and walk around saying it over and over himself. "Queef! Queef!"

I lectured them severely. "I don't want that kind of language in my house!"

Big Kid: Is it a bad word?

Me: "Uh....don't you know what it means?"

Goofy Friend: No. I just made it up because it sounds funny. Is it a real word?

Me: "Uh...[oh sh*t!] Yes, it is. Stop saying it."

Goofy Friend: What's it mean?

Now there was no way on God's green earth that I was going to explain THAT to somebody else's 12-year-old son!

Me: "Ask your mother."

Needless to say, that was the last time Goofy Friend was allowed to spend the night at OUR house. I can only imagine what that conversation was like.

Goofy Friend to his mother: Big Kid's mom told me to ask you what a queef is.

[Cue demented screaming]

Yikes! It's been 6 or 7 years, but I still cross the street when I see her coming!

Anyway, other than the above, I can gratefully say that truly humiliating parenting moments have been few and far between. The guys have never had any trouble in school. They've never been arrested. They've never harmed anyone else.

A few weeks ago, some nasty little fart in Illinois decided to play a prank on his high school classmates. He took the communal Ranch Dressing off the condiment cart in the cafeteria (say that three times fast) into the bathroom and whacked off into it. And then put it back for everyone else to "enjoy".

Like a typical dumbass, he couldn't resist bragging to his friends about it. They weren't amused and turned him in.

This is a copy of the letter sent home to parents:

"Dear Wheaton North Parent:

A very unusual and disgusting incident recently occurred at Wheaton North High School. Because it could potentially impact other students and most certainly will be the subject of conversation among some students, I want you to be aware of the facts surrounding this issue.

There is no tactful way to give you this information, so I will explain it as it occurred. During the ‘D’ lunch period on December 6, 2007, a male student removed a Ranch salad dressing container from the Student Commons, went into the boy’s restroom, ejaculated into the bottle, and then returned the container to the condiment table. It is unclear if anyone subsequently used the salad dressing prior to its normal cleaning by food service personnel.

We became aware of this incident when several students reported it to the Dean’s office on the afternoon of Tuesday, December 12. The identified student was questioned extensively and later admitted his action. He has been appropriately disciplined and the matter is now being handled by the Wheaton Police Department.

In addition, we immediately asked our nursing staff to contact the DuPage County Health Department to discuss any possible health impact that eating the affected salad dressing might have on the user. While the Health Department indicated it is unlikely that pathogens could survive in that environment, it recommended that the student be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The student was tested on Wednesday, December 13. Unfortunately, the results of the testing will not be known until early next week.

Once the test results are received we will immediately notify you if the Health Department indicates a need for implementing any additional medical protocols. Only students who consumed ranch dressing in the Student Commons area last Wednesday and/or Thursday may be impacted. Meanwhile, our food service staff has changed to larger, less portable containers that will make it difficult for any similar incident to occur in the future.

I am truly sorry for any stress this may cause you or your student. Again, please know that we will contact you immediately if there is a need for any medical action for any Wheaton North student. As always, please call me at school if you have questions or concerns.


Jill Bullo

As horrifying and disgusting as this whole thing is, I can't help but wonder what that boy's mother must be feeling.

Even though there are many nutty and neglectful parents out there, I can't imagine any parent supporting this kind of behavior. I'd be opening up the BIG can of Whup Ass like there was no tomorrow.

Then I'd hide. Forever. Or enter the witness protection program.

How do you get past something like that?


Kim Ayres said...

Enforced sex-change operation. Not only will it stop the lad doing anything like it again, it will make him harder to identify if he wants to disappear.

Oh, and I had to look up Queef on Google. I didn't realise that action had a name.

It's always an education visiting your blog, Atilla...

Rootietoot said...

to both stories...oh lord! HAAAA!
I am thinking "not my kid! not my kid! haahahaha!"
What is it with your family and bodily functions? I mean, I have twice as many boys and half as many stories... Tho my 19 yr old did have to explain what queef was, a couple of yrs ago. He refused to answer when I asked him how he knew.

Attila The Mom said...

Kim---I'm always happy to broaden someone's knowlege! LOL

Rootie---I have no idea why we have so many bodily function issues. Maybe because I grew up as the only daughter in a demented household with brothers. And now I have equally demented sons.

Or maybe it's just because I fart a lot. Who knows? ;-)

St Jude said...

Oh dear, boys will be boys, won't they! How terribly PC. Thankfully I have never really liked ranch dressing, so I, at least will sleep well tonight:0) I'm so sorry, but I find this a total giggle fest!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi, just thought I'd drop in and say
Have a HAPPY and great NEW YEAR!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks. I've done everything possible to avoid that story. But there it is. I must now avoid ranch dressing at all costs. And while I'm at it, I shall also avoid mayonnaise, cream soup, hollandaise sauce and anything else that's white, creamy and accessible by idiot teenagers.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Damn it, I was hoping someone else would own up to this in the comments so I wouldn't be the first.

(deep breath)

I didn't know what "queef" meant. I had to look it up.

I don't know if that is good or bad.

carmachu said...

I beat him balck and blue.

WTF is he thinking(the correct answer is he isnt).

Man I'd hate to be that parent too....

Annie Drogynous said...

I don't think any parent can get past something like that. I think it will be forever in the back of his/her mind and everytime someone looks at them! All I know is that my child would be off to boarding school in the next instant and I would withdraw to a small shack in the mountains, no phone, no mailing address and certainly no contact with anyone!

Anonymous said...

OMFG! That's... just... groce!!!

That will give a whole new meaning to Ranch salad dressing...

brenda said...

Ok, I've lead a sheltered life, you know I'm going to have to go look up the word now.

I would claim no blood kinship to my child if he'd done something like that. Ewww,,ewww,,just too gross for words!

Anonymous said...

I don't think there are words to express how disgusting that is! Yet, I am struggling to keep my mind out of the gutter! Forgive me- I feel certain that many women would be dead, if indeed, this substance were toxic! (hee-hee) I am so WEAK! :)

Anonymous said...

Now I know the difference between queef and squeef?

One is for ranch dressing and the other is for orange juice.


Anonymous said...

So come on Attila, what does queef mean? You don't want to send us innocents out on to the big bad internet to find out do you?

Attila The Mom said...

St. Jude---yippee! I'm so glad to see you!

LOL---Sorry, Dad! I think I'd add tartar sauce to the list too!

Fab---You weren't the first! But I have a hard time believing a guy with an intimate knowledge of nethers and lemurs doesn't know what a queef is. ;-)

Car---I hear you! I think I'd kill myself.

Annie---I think this would be close to a parent's worst nightmare (barring the obvious stuff like death or disfigurement)!

Dutchy---The first time I read the story I didn't eat a salad for 2 days. LOL

Brenda---Me too!

Heather---welcome to the gutter! I'm down there with ya!

Blogarita---Oh my Dog. I can't stop laughing! Fresh squeefed juice!

Jeremy---I'm not educating other mother's sons on that information, no matter HOW OLD YOU ARE! Nope, nope, nope, not going to do it.

Anonymous said...

I've been trying to comment for 5 minutes on this......words are hard to come by, expressions of disguist and my chin hitting the desk were not!

Two things come to mind......
1. I hope they have ranch security at my kids schools!
2. You'd probably see a for sale sign on my lawn the next day.

Can you imagine staying put after this and knowing people were whispering "her kid was the 'ranch' boy!"

Yep.....I think I'd have to hurt the child. Speaking of which, what did happen to him from the school's standpoint? You would think something like this would warrent expulsion (not that they hadn't seen enough of that!)

Anonymous said...

Okay, I don't know what "queef" means either and since you're not about to help out, I'll have to check it out myself. (Guess I could ask my boys. Nahh...)
Reading your blog is quite an education. I've been away and have missed my daily chuckle.

Rootietoot said...

I had to explain to mine own husband what queef was. It made me feel empowered and stuff, to do that.

Anonymous said...

Never heard that word,till now. Had to look it up. Sheesh, should know it as old as I am.

Michele said...

Good Lord. I'd be absolutely utterly mortified. I'm already the parent of the pied piper who tried to lead all the kindergartners off campus to go to the park. By themselves. At 5. I shdder to think.