Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce...No, Scratch That

I've been holding off on commenting on the below article for a couple of weeks, simply because it wasn't terribly appropriate for the holiday season (or any other season for that matter), but since it's close to the end of the year, it's time to clean out the "in" box to make ready for the new!

After reading it, I've been mulling over the things my kids have ever done in their lives that have really embarrassed me as a parent.

Beyond the fairly normal stuff like the Little Guy telling some elderly person that they're "really old" in the grocery store, or the time the Big Kid came crying out of the bathroom because the toilet seat dropped on his willie when he was peeing and asked me to kiss it to make it better in front of company (he was three, for pete's sakes!), I can't think of too many REALLY embarrassing moments.

The one that stands out the most is when the Big Kid was about 12 and had a goofy friend spending the night. They were horsing around in the living room when I came upon them.

"Queef!" Goofy Friend said. "Queef! Queef! Queef!"

Big Kid was overcome with giggles.

"Queef!" Both of them had collapsed on the floor and were laughing hysterically.

Oh. My. God.

Now I'm not a prude about bodily functions, but I insist that my guys use respectful terminology when dealing with certain areas of the anatomy. I know they pick up all kinds of stuff at school (many times they've come home and asked me what certain words mean), but I was a little shocked.

Plus, the LAST thing I wanted was for Little Guy to pick it up and walk around saying it over and over himself. "Queef! Queef!"

I lectured them severely. "I don't want that kind of language in my house!"

Big Kid: Is it a bad word?

Me: "Uh....don't you know what it means?"

Goofy Friend: No. I just made it up because it sounds funny. Is it a real word?

Me: "Uh...[oh sh*t!] Yes, it is. Stop saying it."

Goofy Friend: What's it mean?

Now there was no way on God's green earth that I was going to explain THAT to somebody else's 12-year-old son!

Me: "Ask your mother."

Needless to say, that was the last time Goofy Friend was allowed to spend the night at OUR house. I can only imagine what that conversation was like.

Goofy Friend to his mother: Big Kid's mom told me to ask you what a queef is.

[Cue demented screaming]

Yikes! It's been 6 or 7 years, but I still cross the street when I see her coming!

Anyway, other than the above, I can gratefully say that truly humiliating parenting moments have been few and far between. The guys have never had any trouble in school. They've never been arrested. They've never harmed anyone else.

A few weeks ago, some nasty little fart in Illinois decided to play a prank on his high school classmates. He took the communal Ranch Dressing off the condiment cart in the cafeteria (say that three times fast) into the bathroom and whacked off into it. And then put it back for everyone else to "enjoy".

Like a typical dumbass, he couldn't resist bragging to his friends about it. They weren't amused and turned him in.

This is a copy of the letter sent home to parents:

"Dear Wheaton North Parent:

A very unusual and disgusting incident recently occurred at Wheaton North High School. Because it could potentially impact other students and most certainly will be the subject of conversation among some students, I want you to be aware of the facts surrounding this issue.

There is no tactful way to give you this information, so I will explain it as it occurred. During the ‘D’ lunch period on December 6, 2007, a male student removed a Ranch salad dressing container from the Student Commons, went into the boy’s restroom, ejaculated into the bottle, and then returned the container to the condiment table. It is unclear if anyone subsequently used the salad dressing prior to its normal cleaning by food service personnel.

We became aware of this incident when several students reported it to the Dean’s office on the afternoon of Tuesday, December 12. The identified student was questioned extensively and later admitted his action. He has been appropriately disciplined and the matter is now being handled by the Wheaton Police Department.

In addition, we immediately asked our nursing staff to contact the DuPage County Health Department to discuss any possible health impact that eating the affected salad dressing might have on the user. While the Health Department indicated it is unlikely that pathogens could survive in that environment, it recommended that the student be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The student was tested on Wednesday, December 13. Unfortunately, the results of the testing will not be known until early next week.

Once the test results are received we will immediately notify you if the Health Department indicates a need for implementing any additional medical protocols. Only students who consumed ranch dressing in the Student Commons area last Wednesday and/or Thursday may be impacted. Meanwhile, our food service staff has changed to larger, less portable containers that will make it difficult for any similar incident to occur in the future.

I am truly sorry for any stress this may cause you or your student. Again, please know that we will contact you immediately if there is a need for any medical action for any Wheaton North student. As always, please call me at school if you have questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

Jill Bullo
Principal"

As horrifying and disgusting as this whole thing is, I can't help but wonder what that boy's mother must be feeling.

Even though there are many nutty and neglectful parents out there, I can't imagine any parent supporting this kind of behavior. I'd be opening up the BIG can of Whup Ass like there was no tomorrow.

Then I'd hide. Forever. Or enter the witness protection program.

How do you get past something like that?