Sunday, May 30, 2010

Guilty Pleasures

Ok, I have to admit it. The Real Housewives are my guilty pleasure. If you don't partake, run away now! This will bore the mold off of you!

I got hooked after the Big Kid was sick and I couldn't bear to watch any show (hospital, drama, etc) where peeps were dying.

There's nothing like watching spoiled society women roll around in the dirt like the rest of us philistines. My hubby won't watch it willingly, so when the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey started up, I got my buddy KL hooked as well (gotta have SOMEBODY to dish it with!)

This is my take so far this season...

Danielle (or Helen, or Nancy, or whatever her real name is)

If you looked up the definition of narcissist, this woman's picture should pop up first on Google. Every person in her life is a planet revolving around herself as the sun. Every event in the world is designed to have some sort of impact on her whether it be good, bad or ugly. She whines about the state of her finances, but is "too pretty to work".

Her gorgeous 15-year-old daughter makes the cover of a fashion magazine, so she holds a celebratory luncheon to congratulate herself. WTF?

Her only redeeming quality is that she's managed to parent two smart, seemingly stable daughters. Too bad they have to take care of her mentally and emotionally, because she is a nucking futjob.


Self-styled matriarch of the group, she talks mainly in pronouncements. "Me and my family are as thick as thieves". "If you hurt my family, I'm going to come after you."

Seriously, she's Uncle Junior Soprano with boobs.

Impressed with her prospective son-in-law Vito. He must really love their daughter to go around their backyard in formal wear and pick up dog poop.


This chickie annoys me. She has weird eyeballs, and we all know I have a phobia about eyeballs. Cute but stupid. Not a pretty person on the inside. Second only to Fran Drescher in the screechy "I'm gonna poke a pencil in my ear if you don't STFU" department.

But I have to give her some props. She goes into labor, wakes her husband up to take her to the hospital, and then MAKES FRENCH TOAST for her daughters while endlessly waiting for him to get off his hairy coffee-drinking ass. If it was me, the coffee and french toast would be spurting out of the stump that used to hold his head and I'd be driving my own bad self to the hospital.

And she is obsessed with vaginas. Hers and everybody else's. On one hand she calls Danielle a "prostitution whore" who must have a vagina as "big as the Lincoln tunnel", and on the other she brags (?) that her husband "has to have it at least once a day" even though she's about to pop out their fourth kid any millisecond.

Somebody should tell this doofus that if 100 cars travel a road, or one car travels it 100 times, the wear and tear is all THE SAME TO THE ROAD. Your "tunnel" may be quite a bit more high mileage than Danielle's, Sweetie.


I can't really criticize her too much because it would be like kicking a puppy. Sweet woman who gets bossed around a lot by her in-laws. Hubby seems to be a good guy with a smart head on his shoulders. She should let him deal with her spoiled, self-indulgent, self-entitled daughter for a change and go get a pedicure.


I think Dina is going to be the wild-card this season. I didn't like her last year, but I think her decision not to have her husband or child(ren) participate this year is an admirable one. She's very zen right now, but I'm wondering how many episodes it will take for her to go bat-shiat.

Dina's an interior designer who seems to specialize in Mafia Bordello. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I kinda like it.

So how many of YOU are watching this season?


Leeanna said...

OMG!!!! ahahahahhaaa I love your take on RH of NJ. That's my favorite show. I even got my hubby hooked on it. Amazing, I know. Your blog rocks hon. Love it !!!

TechnoBabe said...

Bore the mold off??? You crack me up.
We have not watched any TV for five years and don't know the various stories or series we hear about sometimes as we wander around the blogosphere. But I still want to leave a comment and say howdy and hope you are having a great holiday weekend.

Jeanie said...

I haven't watched it but I may have to now.

Charlie said...

I wouldn't watch this show for fear of my blood pressure not pressurizing any longer. And I like your commentary better.

I am not a violent person, but I suspect I would like to slap the poo out of Danielle, or whatever her name is. Of course she has no money; facelifts are expensive.

Jennifer Jayhawk said...

I LOVE the Real Housewives series!!!

On Thursday's after RHWNY Andy Cohen, one of the main Bravo people, has a show called "Watch What Happens". He has celebrities and RHW's from the shows on and they do a recap. They are all drinking and the show is filmed live.

Dina was originally on one of those "I'm having a big f%#$ing Wedding" shows. It followed her and her now husband through their process of planing their wedding extravaganza. It was very enlightening about their relationship. I would say her husband made a wise decision not to be on the show. Let just say it was not a flattering picture of him and how he treats Dina.

Here are two great websites that recap Bravo shows.

Heather said...

I don't watch this but your car and road analogy makes me laugh...a lot!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I've never watched any of the "housewives" shows but after reading this, I think I'll start! What a hoot!

Happy weekend, Atilla.

From Tracie said...

I watch all those Housewives shows.

This is such a great recap of their craziness!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I've watched just about all of the seasons except for this one. The NY and CA bitches need to send me some of the money that they waste on stupid shit.

Loved hearing from you today!!


Becky the Design Lady said...

These shows are too funny. I've watched the NY and NJ housewives for the past two seasons.
Nasal screechy voices, arguing and fighting over EVERYTHING... makes my life seem pretty sane by comparison.

You gotta wonder how much they pay these women to be on tv and be edited to look like freekin' self absorbed idiots.

Louisiana Belle said...

Last year I watched the NY and NJ housewives and had a friend to discuss it with. Both of us have grown tired of the bickering and narcissism. It's worse than high school. Much worse. I saw half of a NY episode last week where all the "ladies" were at a dinner and Kelly was acting psychotic. The whole thing turned my stomach. It makes me wonder if they are really like this or doing it up for the camera. In any case, I'm so over it. Have fun, though!

Beth said...

I don't watch Desperate Housewives - I have other guilty pleasures/addictions on the boob tube!

KL said...

And we talked this am and didn't dish on the show....I have stopped the NY one...don't like it at all...LOL

The Empress said...

Since I can't watch these shows b/c kids are clasped to my ankels 24/7 this is a great place for me to catch the next best thing.

Awesome job of recap.

Thank you.